A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up last year after months of arguing about what we wanted from our relationship. I wanted commitment, a family one day, our own home, whereas he wanted to stay living separately and just carry on taking things slowly. We had been together for almost 3 years at this point, and I was sick of waiting for him to grow up and make a decision about what he wanted. Our friends are all either married, living together, have kids or just simply single. I felt like we were teenagers half the time. He lived as his mums house to stay money, which I understood but as I lived on my own in my own rented flat, it wasn't like he was about to start spending as much as I did regularly. One day, I just had enough and broke it off completely. I was tried of being in a relationship going nowhere. He was really upset by this, and I think it gave him a wake up call as he started to try and convince me to get back together with him by promising me that he would be more committed. I took him back after four months apart and at first, it didn't seem like he was going to commit at all. He still wouldn't make any plans to live together or even take a holiday together without friends. I told him that he wasn't willing to commit and said it was fairer for us both to end things. It was then he decided to move in, and to be honest, I just let him because I was so shocked that he was willing to do that. We have even got a cat together and done stupid little things that he would never dream of doing before.But now, he is back to being the same way as before! I had a pregnancy scare last month, it was a false alarm but now he insists of wearing a condom with me, as he said "Having a kid would be the highest mistake of my life." And that's a quote from him! I don't want a child right now, but in the future I do. I feel like I'm wasting time with him when we clearly want different things out of life. I love him, I truly do but I can't say I believe he loves me anymore.
View related questions:
broke up, condom, get back together, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (10 June 2014):
You're talking about the future as if it's the present. If you want a kid now then have a kid. If you don't then wear protection. Having a kid now and later can be two very different things for people.
When I was your age I had a girlfriend just like you. She insisted that if things aren't going toward marriage than what's the point. I responded that I don't want to be married or have a kid now, but I could imagine that with you in the future.
It ended up driving us apart although she's contacted me in the years since and I feel like she thinks she made a mistake. She may be right, although I'm happily married to someone else now.
That being said, this is your life we're talking about and if you need something to be agreed upon now then he's not the right guy for you. Is that worth breaking up with him though? I don't think so because I believe happiness is more important than a ring, but again that's up to you.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (10 June 2014):
 I do think your being a bit harsh on this guy and making him sound like he is doing something wrong, or hurtful, by not wanting what you want. He has the right not to want the same thing as you, and although I accept that you may feel hurt and angry about it, he is (assuming he is your age) still young and wants to make the most of that. If that is a deal breaker for you then time to move on, but I suggest you give him a bit more time. Trying to force him to become something he isn't, or push him to "accept" what you want isn't going to make him happy, nor you in the long run. Just because he is not yet looking for the commitment you are looking for doesn't mean he is any less mature.
OP you are still very young, so many people think they want marriage, children and commitment when they are aged 22-25, only to get just a bit older and realise they made a big mistake. You are still at an age where you are developing, changing, maturing and as a result need to be wary of making big commitments that may seem absolutely right now, but less so as time goes on. We often feel ready and mature enough for the kind of commitments when we are in the first half of our twenties, only to appreciate the reality of the situation as we get a bit older.
You say all your friends are either "married, living together, have kids or just simply single" but that's completely irrelevant. Its not a competition nor something you need to compete with. Your relationship has to suit you both, not fit in with others. I know from my own experiences in my early twenties that most of my friends were married, living together, etc, only to be divorced or selling up a few years later as they had sadly rushed into it.
You have had a pregnancy scare. When your living with your parents as he is and still at a point of wanting to enjoy a bit of freedom, plus possibly not being financially or emotionally ready, that can be a major thing. Yes having a baby NOW would be a massive mistake as you are clearly having difficulties and are not in a great place in terms of the finance situation and not living together, etc. he knows you want a baby at some point and want commitment, we guys know that SOME women, and im not suggesting you would do this, but some will "accidently on purpose" get pregnant to make a man commit. Maybe he fears that kind of situation, or maybe he was shaken up by the pregnancy scare and wants to be more in control of that side of things.
Going form living with his parents and having a girlfriend, to being married, having children, a mortgage and bills coming in is a big step these days. These are tough times and most of us face uncertain future. Waiting until the time is right emotionally, financially and having a secure relationship before making commitments is a wise choice.
It sounds like your BF is saying no for now, rather than no for ever.
Mark
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 But you don't want a kid NOW, you want it in the future.
So, maybe in the future he won't use condoms, when he is ready to be a father , but as of now he is not, so wearing a condom is actually a very mature, grown up thing to do, and I can't see why you should object to that, - unless you were planning to get pregnant " accidentally on purpose " and then just convince him / force him to take responsability ( No you weren't right ? ).
Can we promise that he will be ready to be a father in future, can we tell you when ? Obviously not, I think you surely know more than us about it, you know if he has said, or hinted, " no kids ever ", ..or just " no kids for now " which sounds quite reasonable, seen your ages.
I think that you want him to grow up- real fast . Too fast. You are rushing him, or at least he feels that way. Come on, who is the 22-25 guy nowadays ( assuming that he is in your age range ) that already cherishes the white picket fence dream, with 2.3 kids and a labrador dog ?...Who wants to be a husband and a father with all the responsibilities and obligations it entails ?...
You say all your friends are married and parents, and I have no reason to disbelieve you, you should know though that the national average of first childbirth in UK is about 29 or 30 for females ( and more for males ) , so if you move in a circle of friends who got a headstart and were in a hurry to settle down,... I think it is not fair to "punish " your bf for that. Maybe he is the " normal " one , it's your friends who are the strange ones !
It's not even that he is not growing up, he is, at his own pace. He made important decisions, to come and live with you when he could save a lot of money ( and spend it on himself ) if he had stayed at his parents', to adopt a pet together, other little stuff you refer to.
I think he is getting there, just not at the galloping speed you'd be happy with. Now, that you have the right to decide which speed you are comfortable with, and what should happen exactly when, - that's indisputable, you need to tailor-cut a life that fits YOU, not me, not any other person.
But... accusing him of being an eternal Peter Pn just because he wants to ive the normal life of an average 25 ish guy, I feel it's a bit too harsh, so that's why I wanted to spend a word in his favour :).
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (10 June 2014):
 Is your boyfriend the same age as you? 22-25 years old?
Commitment is a massive thing to men, and at that age, they still want to have freedom. Freedom to do the things they want in life, go on holiday, travel, up-sticks and go somewhere else for a job etc. Go out with mates and get drunk. Be social and act like a young man.
Pregnancy scares men. I think he has probably just freaked out at the thought. In many ways, they feel they are not in control of the situation, and once a partner is pregnant, can feel a bit like a spare wheel, only there to provide money for the impending child.
Children do restrict freedom. Financially and socially for well over the 18 years it takes to grow a baby into an adult. It is a life commitment, even more than marriage is. Children are for life, not just for Christmas.
Even at 25, he probably feels way too young to have a child. I am 30, and I know I am not ready yet!
So many couples of your age "accidentally" get pregnant, and then go with the flow, only to wish later on that they hadn't made the choice.
In some ways he is right - having a child when you are a) not ready and b) not financially stable would be the biggest mistake of your life. Not just for HIM, but also for YOU AND the CHILD. He doesn't want to bring a child into this world, to be faced with a father who is scared, immature and not 100% ready to step up and act like a father. In some ways, he is actually doing the right thing, rather than going with the flow and acting like a dead-beat dad once the kid has arrived.
I think he is probably putting his feelings across in the wrong way. Maybe he doesn't feel ready for kids now - but in 5/10 years time, who knows.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 June 2014):
 Honestly him using a condom i sa the most grown up thing he can do. HE isn't ready for kids, so using protection is SMART. AFter all, who do you think would get "saddled" with the kids if you did get pregnant he he didn't stay? YOU.
Whether he doesn't want children AT all or not til some later date is impossible to say, for now though he doesn't want one.
You would need to talk this through. Because NOT wanting children at all, yeah, that would be a deal breaker.
Not being willing to take a holiday with you is ridiculous. It's VACATION not a honeymoon.
I think you are expecting him to "grow" up way faster then he is ready to do.
...............................
|
