A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a girl for nearly three months now and she is a Mormon and I am not. I am 19 and she is 26 and her whole family is Mormon and its all she really knows but knows she is bi but has never had a girlfriend before. I am her first girlfriend but she`s had boyfriends before but is still a virgin. She has had crushes on girls before. She told me she loves me a few days ago and we are really happy together but because she is mormon only a few of our close friends know (a lot of her friends are my friends too) and as its getting to three months now dating and she is calling me her girlfriend and we have had sex its getting me down not being able to tell people I have a girlfriend and be public about it. In public we kiss, hold hands and cuddle so anyone from her church could see her so I dont see why she will take that risk but not tell her parents or her church she is bi. Please help and I need advice on what I should do. I told her that she needs to make a decision whether she is going to tell her parents/church or not because I dont want to be in a relationship after 6 months dating and still be in the same position but she just really agreed and says she wishes that people were more accepting of gay people but that was it and she feels bad that I feel guilty like I am corrupting her into acting on her bi feelings.
View related questions:
crush, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 Well, so far so good.
I think you're right about the idea of sitting down and having a frank talk with her about what she might want, and what you want from your relationship.
Only thing to bear in mind is that she might not be fully aware - yet - as to how she wants to proceed, especially if her parents and others do give her a hard time later on. She hasn't (presumably) met a member of the opposite sex since dating you, so that is also an unknown quantity.
I really do wish you all the best!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice so far :) Update on the relationship is that people have found out that she`s bi and the word is spreading around the church and even down the country to where her best friend lives but she does not seem scared as I had warned her this would happen that eventually someone would see us. She just seems to have accepted that people know and has even told some other mormon people herself that she`s bi and with me. Everyone has been so accepting that I think it`s giving her confidence though like Denise said I do think about the fact that she could meet a man one day and be happy so I think the next talk I am having with her is if she does see this is a long term relationship because if not there`s no point continuing it because of the stuff about being bi and telling her parents she would have to go through even though I do really love her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): Having been raised LDS myself, I will tell you one thing for certain. She is FULLY accountable for her choice to live a Bi/Gay lifestyle. She is past the age of accountability where she knows right from wrong and also knows the consequences of her decisions- the age would be 8 years and increase in precept as each year passed as she would remain in her parents home under instruction and teachings of gospel principles and standards so please do not believe or feel guilt for HER INDIVIDUAL CHOICE.There is a vast difference to marriage in the church over marriage outside of the Church. So if she ever hoped or dreamed to one day be sealed in the Temple for All Eternity and wanted to be Exhaulted with her Eternal companion; which would have to be Male as gender plays an eternal role. We of the Latter Day Saint religion believe we had our gender before this life, while on this earth, and after as we are today, either Male or Female. So maybe asking her if she ever believed and wanted a temple marriage would be a great place to start.I would want to caution you as is she seriously committed to being Bi or just Bi curious? Is she seriously wanting to give up her membership and suffer the consequences for her decision? Good and/or bad. Even if her family may disown her (for a short time. If they are indeed Loving LDS parents, they KNOW they will always love her and even have her sealed to them as their Daughter for eternity).Marriage in the temple does not end after this life- as civil and other churches say until death do you part. We believe in being sealed to one another for time and all eternity. And if Mom and Dad were sealed in the temple in marriage, their children would be sealed to them as well. Being Bi Sexual/Homosexual will result in her losing being sealed to her parents along with her membership. To an LDS Person, it may still be of great importance so asking her about that would have her at least, be open and honest to you.Until that conversation; you may never know how committed she is to her decision.If you need further help or guidance, let me know.Hope this was of help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (3 January 2012):
Hi,
All I can tell you is that the Mormon church is STRONGLY opposed to homosexuality - and that would include anyone who is bi.
I suspect this is the reason she is afraid/reluctant to tell her parents about your relationship. She can expect a LOT of flack from them, and quite likely from the authorities in her local church congregation as well.
As she has been raised Mormon, this is her community and friends/family. If she feels strongly attached to (most) of the Mormon teachings and customs, her life could become extremely difficult (and that's putting it mildly) once the secret is out.
I think in a sense she's avoiding telling them because she realizes if she does she'll be "hit with a ton of bricks" so to speak, so she is attempting to get around her dilemma, in a way, by holding hands, kissing and cuddling in public so that someone will notice and spread the news. Needless to say, that's not going to make things easier: in fact it may well make them worse because it will be considered - particularly by her family - as a scandal.
Are you prepared to deal with all the trouble that will result once everyone knows about your relationship? Do you think you can face up to it, and support her? I can promise you it won't be easy!
Or, do you think it best to end things now? After all, if she IS bi, it's possible she might eventually settle down with a man and be happy........who knows?
Sorry, but this is the best counsel I can offer. I hope it will be of some help at least, as you mull things over......
...............................
|
