A
female
age
51-59,
*u45
writes:is there any hope?I live with and had been planning to marry a loving exciting, thoughtful, generous man who I adore. He also will do anything for my children aged 21 and 18. Financially he has given everything he owns.The problem is that just after we got engaged 2 years ago, he behaved very suspiciously about his mobile phone but swore on my life it was to do with work. The following day however he was forced to admit that he had met a woman on a business trip to Germany 6 weeks previous. He said nothing happened and it was just flirty banter but he refused to let me read the texts.I was devastated. Being devastated might sound dramatic for something that could be so minor in the scheme of cheating. But this man readily admits that he has cheated on every woman he has ever been out with and "tarts are so stupid, they believe whatever they want to believe" he finds this hilarious. He has always created opportunities to meet woman wherever possible and always tried his luck. He was married for 25 years and cheated throughout, his wife eventually left him for someone else, which he remains furious over.He loves women and is fascinated and excited about cheating. He watches films and programmes about it almost daily. He admits he finds it gratifying. He checks other woman out wherever we are, but says that he cannot help look and perhaps banter but that he is a changed man and his cheating days are over.Knowing all this about him and with this act of deceitfulness while we were in the midst of arranging our wedding has been a recurring cause of arguing. I am highly suspicious. I have never however been through his phone although a response from his ex-girlfriend declining his suggestion that they meet up behind my back, after he declared he still had warm feelings for her, popped up on his phone while he was showing me something else, caused more upset, albeit 18 months ago. There have also been other minor flirting issues but I think it would be fair to say that I'm finding what I'm looking for and reading far to much into it.He never goes out with his friends because it causes me too much stress. This is because, for him (and he admits to this), the only evening out worth having, involves being with women in bars or strip clubs (and several times - a brothel) with the only 2 friends that he has (who also continually cheat on their wives with women they pick up and escorts). They also would have to meet in London and this would mean an overnight stay in a hotel. I cannot cope with this, and so he doesn't go but I feel he resents me for it. The thing is he lies so much, has always been an opportunist and justifies everything. He gets angry because he says that because of minor cheating episode 2 years ago that I dont trust him and a relationship cannot work without trust. I say, that I trust him on a day to day basis, but not on all nighters to bars, stripclubs, in London with playboy mates. So he does not go.Things have now come to a head. He wants to get married and I am concerned that the minute we do this he will be off on these nights out that he hankers after and holidays away with his mates to clubland, which he did frequently before we got together and he reminisces about. I do not want to be in a relationship like he had with his wife, Ihave made that clear, but of course there are no guarantees.He now has no money. He has had huge debt problems in the past and had to remortgage his matrimonial home twice to cover debts of £70,000 twice. He says money means nothing to him and I only yesterday found out that he has now taken out a loan and maxed out a credit card. The credit card is full to thousands of pounds and all recent transactions are for candy crush sags to the tune of £400 in 10 days! He has always been extremely generous to me and my children and we have wanted for nothing. But I almost own my house (he paid £11,000 of my mortgage when he sold his matrimonial home). I have no debt and live within my means. He has no money, no property, very little pension, and is accruing debt. Im scared, that the longer this relationship goes on the more entitled he is to a claim on my estate. For this reason and to agree fairness I have suggested that we agree and amount of money that should we break up I will pay him back. He was furious and says that he would never want anything back, that he loves me, I have treated him better than anyone his life, and he would leave with nothing if it came to it. He refuses to discuss anymore and will not get legal advice. I said in this case would he then put what he says in writing bacause I am very worried that his creditors may make a claim on my house (that he lives in) in the event that he cannot pay. He is accruing more debt and by chance I have seen a credit card bill that he has not met minimum payments on. He keeps all statements private.I am 45 year old specialist nurse with several degrees,healthy fit. he is 55 year old salesman who had a big heart attack 8 years ago, smokes, drinks 10-15 units per day. We currently live together but he is acting like he hates me and the situation is not sustaianable. I love him, dont want to abandom him, I feel like he needs help, but he just seem to see there are problems other than I don't trust him. We cancelled the wedding. now stuck in limbo.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (5 March 2014):
 You are very brave and I admire you for your courage in writing your original post and the decisions you have made.
I wish you nothing but happiness
Love AB xx :)
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Lu, What a lovely positive post! You're an inspiration to all women who are struggling to step away from such a negative experience with such strength. I do think, realistically, you'll have some wobbles but you'll get there!
And do smile at strangers yourself! Not just potential Daisy's, harsh anons or Aunty Babbit's, (No smiles for leery men, though.). Smile, say hello, make small talk at the bus stop, train or in the supermarket, make new friends, be in no hurry to date just yet, and you'll get there.
Raising a glass to you and the next chapter of your life x
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female
reader, lu45 +, writes (4 March 2014):
lu45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDaisy daisy...and harsh anon....how can I tell you how helpful you have been! It feels like I've been in a dark room and you have opened the door and the light has come flooding in...it sounds a cliche but it is true. Its kind of sad that you and others on this site, who have had such a positive influence, remain faceless so that I could pass you in the street and not know it was you. I would love to share a laugh and a hug with you. You feel like friends.Harsh anon...the shame was already there...it disguised itself as low self esteem. And thank you...I am going to see if I can find the book on Amazon and research some forums on-line for support.Thank you all again. And if you see a 45 year old woman with her head thrown back, shoulders held high, glowing in new self assured happiness and confidence....smile at her..it may well be me!Wishing you happiness xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2014): Harsh anon here - I didn't mean to shame you, I took the harsh approach because it's the only thing that worked for me. After someone told me "it's pointless giving you advice because you'll never leave him", it gave me the strength. I think I wanted to prove that person wrong. I didn't mean to shame you about the type of woman you are - that would make me a hypocrite - but to help you realise that you are a better woman than you realise. A woman who deserves better than this. I recommend a book called The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It's a book of "daily mediations on codependency". So just one short chapter a day. I also recommend you join an online forum for women like you (and me, as I used to be) - because you are not alone. It could help you with ongoing support. Often people don't understand unless they've been in that situation, and they just scratch their heads and wonder why you are being so stupid. You and I know that you are not stupid. Helpful words from women who've been through the same thing may be very empowering for you. Since you now have some more time and money, think about the therapy option. It really helps me in building up my self esteem, though I admit it's a slow process with ups and downs - I often have flash backs of my own degrading moments, for example. Then I remember to be gentle with myself and forgive myself. Open up to your friends about the true extent of this relationship to your friends and let them support you. Be honest, don't be ashamed. Explain as much as you can to your daughters - obviously not the sexual stuff - so they understand your decision and also support you. Be so proud that you are now going to be setting a great example to them! A strong, independent woman! I'm very, very happy that you've reached the right decision and I sincerely wish you all the very best for the future. p.s. DO NOT let him manipulate/ guilt you in any way to change your mind. If in any doubt, come back here and read through your posts and all the responses.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 March 2014):
Lu, I read your last sentence and almost whooped and cheered. I am so glad that you posted here, read and thought about all the responses - and thanks also for giving us feedback.
You have made the right choice. It won't be easy, but it'll be so worth it. Please check back if you get the wobbles and need some support.
You're a strong woman. Enjoy your life! X
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A
female
reader, lu45 +, writes (4 March 2014):
lu45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I have been pleasantly surprised at the support and advice given.I actually feel ashamed of going along in this relationship, you are all right..and I am not compatable with this man.Daisy Daisy and Aunty Babbit ..my friends only see him as entertaining and good fun, he is the sort of person you want at a dinner party. However not one of them would have a relationship with him even if he wasn't with me. They see him as a player too. My children have mixed feelings about him. They are 21 and 18 and he is very good to them. I struggled, mainly fiancially as a single parent for 17 years. My partner has made life easier for all of us. This sounds mercenary, but I have worked 2 jobs often while being at university for years, although I fitted this around my children, by working through the night at home where I could.I now have far more free time to spend with them and we travel and do so many more things together, because we no longer live hand to mouth, and I have the time. Of course, I could find another partner who does not come with the same price as my current partner. My girls are grateful for his support which involves practical and financial help.They are not privvy to the sexual part of our relationship, but of course see the drinking and smoking, and when he upsets me they become upset and want him to leave. And yes..he clearly does have an addictive personality...drinking, smoking,womanising, cheating,pornography, spending, candy crush saga (sometimes 2-6 hours a day - £400 in 10 days, lying. The more I type this the more I realise how bad it sounds.We cancelled our wedding and I have no plans to marry him. anonymous reader who suggested co-dependency. you are spot on and I need "harsh." I need challenging. Your post did shame me into thinking about the kind of woman I am to go along with this..and question where my self respect has gone. I lost my dignity somewhere, probably where I left my self esteem.So, thank you all, I agree he is misogynistic, and certainly a personality disorder. I need out, and you have given me the self belief and strength to do this. I have weighed up the pro's and cons..and the con's win hands down. Thank you..xxxx
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 March 2014):
I wrote my response before your follow up was approved.
OP, I have read many, many posts on here and rarely has it seemed so clear cut to me that you should leave the relationship. Short of physical abuse, he couldn't much further away from a 'dream catch'. You can list his positive qualities, but in all honesty nothing you could write about how wonderful is would make up for what I read in your two posts. In particular, the bit about having to have unsatisfying, porn-like sex made my shudder; how can you keep degrading yourself like this?
OP, what do your friends and colleagues make of this man? Do they know what is going on behind closed doors? Do they like him? What about your children? Aunty Babbit makes a very good point about the effect of this toxic relationship on your children, by the way.
Look, I am glad that he has signed an agreement, but if you are hell bent on marrying this man please see a lawyer and make sure your assets are as watertight as possible. Take professional advice about his debts and find out what happens to them if/ when you get married. Do you want the debt collectors at your door, within their rights to take any of your possessions? Could your house be at risk? These are thing you must find out.
Sadly I don't see you leaving him, but we're here if you need more support. I'll be more than happy to keep on telling you to leave him, and why, if that helps at all.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (3 March 2014):
Thank you for your response OP, however I would just like to point out that pre and post nuptial agreements, in this country are very often not worth the paper they're written on, so please be sure yours is watertight.Please note that although your pre-nup may protect your estate, IF you marry, it will NOT protect you from HIS debts.
Of course your partner won't leave you, he's on to a good thing with you, and the fact that he has never left any of his previous partners only serves as a warning to me that they must have finally dumped him when they came to their senses or were so broken and let down it was their only option.
Men like your partner ARE funny, caring, charming and considerate, it's how they get their ladies to stay with them.
Only when you've had enough of his womanising, gambling, over spending and patronising will he move on to the next long term conquest.
You may enjoy feeling worthwhile, we all do, but it needn't come at such a high price. If you find a loving decent man who treats you well you will feel worthwhile but for a healthier reason.
I hope your daughter doesn't see this man as a male role model against which she will measure all her future partners.
I hope this helps and wish you well AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): Hi, it's same female anon who suggeseted codependency here."I know I have a lot to offer in terms of empathy and tolerance and could not be bestowing that on a needier person" - here's a positive suggestion, try redirecting that care and empathy to yourself. "My caring nature makes it almost inconceivable to ask him to leave" - thank goodness it is only "almost" inconceivable to leave. Therefore, it is conceivable. "I am practicing mindfulness and trying to distance myself emotionally from this toxic relationship." - that is all very well and good but you won't really distance yourself until you end the relationship. I am being harsh here because you need to hear some strong words, to turn the "almost inconceivable" to conceivable. No matter what good points he has, these are some of the facts:1) He almost certainly cheated while on the conference2) He was most likely trying to cheat with his ex3) He is disrespectful to women in general, and I agree with the label 'misogynist' that someone else mentioned. He sees women as objects. 4) he DEGRADES you with the sex routine you have going - you have to dress and act like a porn star to get him going, and you get absolutely NOTHING out of it (except pleasing him, which is basically what the whole relationship revolves around)5) He now acts like he hates you. 6) He is irresponsible with money 7) He is an addict! Is this how you really want to spend the last half of your life, tied to this man? Serious question. If the answer is yes, how else can we as aunts help you?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 March 2014):
I think the glasses Sage refers to are rose-tinted rather than painted black, but in all other ways I agree with him.
Reading both of your posts is quite horrifying, OP. I truly hope you can muster the strength to end this toxic relationship.
Take care of yourself. Put you and your children first. Let him take care of himself (or not - either way NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY).
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A
female
reader, lu45 +, writes (3 March 2014):
lu45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am truly grateful to everyone that responded. You are right "like I see it" I have posted several weeks ago. I keep letting the situation go on.
And yes...there is a lot to be said about co-dependency, and this is a likely possibility. I know I have a lot to offer in terms of empathy and tolerance and could not be bestowing that on a needier person. I then gain the reward of feeling worthwhile, and we end up feeding off each other.
I think that because naturally we only complain about the things we don't like it must seem so clear cut that I should leave. My partner is the funniest, loving, caring man going way beyond what many men would do to help out. He is a man of extremes.
He has signed an agreement that he will claim no money from my estate if we break up, die etc. He is very offended as he says he would never ask anything back from us ever. Easily said though.
My caring nature makes it almost inconceievable to ask him to leave and he says he has never left any woman.It is clear though that our relationship has changed. He can be the kindest loving man or uncaring decietful.
I am practicing mindfulness and trying to distance myself emotionally from this toxic relationship. Things evolve and I feel stronger from the reponses I have had on here.
Thank you for your support and wishing you happiness....lu x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2014): Read your post back to yourself and imagine if your son or daughter had written about how they were being treated. Just imagine what advice you would give them, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be telling them to plan a wedding...
He will never change. He has not changed from the day he met you. You know in your heart this man is a cheater, and you deserve better. Marry him and you become trapped in his deceitful little world, and become associated with all of his debts. Be strong and tell yourself you deserve better. Then tell him, and walk out of his life for good. It won't be easy but it will be easier than a future if sadness and upset. What sort of marriage will you have when you can't trust him for one night, and that's with very good reason!!
Please read back what you've wrote and look at the situation you're in. You seem an intelligent person, you deserve more.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 I'm imagining that you wear glasses....
.... and the glasses you are wearing, currently, have black paint over the lenses....
You put up a frightfully long and detailed description of a "man" who is - simultaneously - a child and a whore... Then, you tell us how much you love him and can't wait to marry him.....
It's easy to understand why HE wants to marry YOU... because, then, he can bring you in to the swirling eddy which is the commode of his life... and he will get a bit of a respite from the outlandish "life" that he lives....
Do you REALLY think that this cad is going to re-constitute himself on your behalf?
If you answer to this last question is "yes," then have at it.... and I will wait the couple of years it takes for you to be in such straits that you return to this site to pose your new question. If your answer is "no," then you KNOW that you will need to part from and distance yourself from this toxic creature, and get on with your life, BY YOURSELF....
Don't fall in to the trap of believing that having a man/husband is so important that you will sell your soul in order to have one.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (2 March 2014):
 You got sound advice here last time to basically the same question about whether this man is trustworthy or not:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-his-interest-normal-and-does-this-make.html
In that post you stated that although he had all these flaws that bothered you and a history of cheating into the bargain, you were wondering if you should stay and put up with them anyway because he was a "fantastic provider."
Since this is clearly no longer the case, I must ask... what do you now think you gain by staying in this relationship? He doesn't sound in the slightest like a loving and trustworthy partner, which is the only potential reason I can think of for CHOOSING to risk financial ruin in order to stay with someone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): You are an intelligent woman who deserves so much more. You are a caring person by nature (evidenced by your profession), and perhaps too caring at times. May I respectfully suggest that you do some reading about co-dependency in relationships?I suggest this because I recognise myself as being overly caring (great for my job, not so great for my personal life), and I also got caught up with a man who had problems with debts and addictions. He also had a history of cheating on his ex wife, and when that arose I finished it. I couldn't understand why I, also an intelligent woman, had got so embroiled with such a dud. But he was charming, loving, generous and reeled me in very quickly. It was very, very hard to leave the situation and somedays are still hard, but overall I'm happier without the angst this man caused me. During and after this incident, I started googling like crazy, and then I found out about codependency and I realised that my previous relationships had often been with men who had some problem or another basically rendering them unavailable (emotionally) or who needed 'fixing'. And then I started to go for therapy, which is gradually helping me with building up my self confidence and self esteem, and I'm learning a lot about boundaries. You talk about him needing help and not wanting to abandon him - again this flags up possible codependency. You did absolutely the right thing in putting off marriage and you are absolutely right to seek legal advice before considering marriage. But I wanted to add that I see this as an unhealthy relationship, and one that you should try to get away from, with help if need be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): He does not love women, he's a misogynist. Leave him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2014):
 I don't know if the UK have the same possibility to check your credit score (as we do in the US) but you can basically see if ANYONE has used your info for ANYTHING - such as credit cards or otherwise.Personally, I would end it. He ISN'T going to be faithful for you. OR ANY OTHER WOMAN. He considers women as a stupid subspecies" that deserves to be used by men like him. WTF kind of attitude is that? (pardon my English there).He has a LIFE LONG behavior towards women, that went on for the 25 years of marriage, probably before and most likely after too. I would contact a lawyer. See where you stand. And do it now.I think you DID wisely in NOT getting married. THAT would have forever screwed up YOUR finances and honey, he doesn't care. Does he?I don't understand why he feels he can leave you in the dark with his finances yet, still wanted to marry you. He gives absolutely no flying farts about the consequences.You can't trust him when it comes to being faithful, you can't trust him with money. YOU can't trust HIM.What is it you think you OWE him by staying? What about what you owe yourself and your kids?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (2 March 2014):
I'm so sorry, but I'm reading your letter and seriously wondering why you're still bothering.
Yes, he's been sweet, attentive, charming and kind but all players are like that.
This man was married for 25 years and cheated throughout, you know damn well if the opportunity presents itself he will cheat again.
Why do women always think they're going to be the one who changes the bad guy? It won't happen, he's too long in the tooth to change his habits, which have been born out of a lifetime of treating women like sex objects and bimbos.
You are a smart and intelligent woman, if your daughter was dating a guy that behaved as your partner is doing what would you want her to do? You know the answer so why aren't applying the same respect to yourself.
Ok, he gifted you with some money, that does NOT mean he owns you OR that you owe him anything.
He has a gambling problem, clearly, which as you quite rightly say would become your financial responsibility if you marry.
He also has a problem with fidelity, flirting by text or email, on line and phone sex are ALL cheating and acts of infidelity, do not be lulled into thinking that just because the actual act of sex has not happened that it is any way less demeaning, disrespectful and unfaithful to you.
This man has some serious issues and an addictive personality. I would rethink this relationship if I were you.
Your gut told you to call off the wedding and gut instincts are never wrong in my experience.
Take a step back and read your letter as if your daughter or dearest friend had written it, now what would tell them to do?
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 March 2014):
 I think your fears regards claims on you estate are spot on.
If you were not in the UK you could be my cousin, her partner of 20 years dropped dead suddenly. From out of the woodwork came a woman, bereaved, his partner (??) who thought due to her long relationship with the man, she was entitled to HIS house ... that house was my cousins for a lot of years before he came on the scene ....... and then the truth started coming out
Credit cards in her name, he forged her signature. Mortgages against the house, debt to the eyeballs.
My cousin lost her house and her assets, and she is a decade older than you. She is having to start again, is having to look for work, and living in a single room in a family member's apartment.
Take heed, your man appears to be cut from the same cloth, and I believe your gut and instincts have been trying to tell you something since at least those texts two years ago.
Who is paying his debts? They are not your problem, listen to your instincts at as a minimum seek legal advise.
I have a horrible feeling you will do nothing, in order to spare this cheat, this crook, this utter cad's feelings, I hope you prove me wrong!
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