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We broke up and he hasn't even tried to get me back. I need closure!

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 March 2011) 15 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I split up with my boyfriend about a month ago and I am finding it really difficult.We were in a LDR but he hardly ever got in contact which really hurt me. We'd been together 2 years and he wasn't really treating me like a girlfriend, i always came last. Anyway he hadnt spoke to me in 3 days and had lied to me over something he knew would really break my heart so when i found out i just deleted him from facebook and changed my status to single. The thing that hurts the most is he hasnt even tried to get me back,hes such a coward that he tries to avoid confrontation by any means possible. Every time i bring up what hes done and ask why he ignores my texts, he ignores my calls too.

I dont know what to do, i dont think i want to get back with him but i need closure, i need him to talk to me. Please help, how can i go about this? do you think its just his pride thats stopping him talking? does he not know what to say? i want to know if he even still cares or loves me, i dont understand. He said to me about a week before we split that if we broke up hed be in a bad place and would miss me because you dont know what youv got till its gone, but he obviously doesnt think that now. Should i just forget about it all and leave it? or should i pretend iv moved on to see if i get a reaction? Any advice would be suitable, i would also appreciate a guys point of view as well as girls. Thanks

View related questions: broke up, facebook, split up, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanx for all the comments, I know everything that you're all saying is true and I just need to come to terms with it, I guess its just easier said than done. But I haven't been in contact for a while now and I'm not going to be, if he ever wants to talk (which i doubt he will) he can make that step but I'm not waiting around for it and I'm just going to get on with my life and try my best to forget about everything.

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A male reader, eric.troy South Africa + , writes (28 March 2011):

"all i want is to understand why he did it to me in the first place as i have been driving myself mad thinking of all the reasons. I wish he would give me an explanation to why he treated me the way he did so i can just move on a lot easier, but he wont so thats why iv just given up now on trying to get one"

oh, so many of us here know exactly what you mean 'driving myself mad thinking of all the reasons'. The more you try, the more texts and calls from you that he just ignores, the harder you make it for yourself.

Next time, when something no matter how outrageous happens, maybe it'll help to immediately focus on one thing: The only power you need to keep going on with your own life, the only 'reason' that matters, is your ability to keep your dignity intact in the face of any kind of shit life throws at you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011):

sometimes you will never get a answer from the other person . men are like this more than women . like everyone said you need to move on and get on with your life . not everyone is open on why they do things.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No not at all, i dont want him back, i think all of you think i did it so he could come running back, i didnt at all, i did it because he pushed me too far, all i want is to understand why he did it to me in the first place as i have been driving myself mad thinking of all the reasons. I wish he would give me an explanation to why he treated me the way he did so i can just move on a lot easier, but he wont so thats why iv just given up now on trying to get one.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011):

Is your secret desire to see him crawl on his knees, beg you to throw him a bone, so you can laugh on his face and kick his butt.

Well it not happening that way.

So just cry a bit and move on.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011):

Anon poster here:

For the record, I think you did make the right choice, and had I been in the same situation with someone as unwilling to communicate, I would have likely done the same.

I just wanted to emphasize that you should make the choice for yourself, not to win someone back.

Good luck with moving on!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanx for all the advice, really appreciate it. I take into account what you all have said and I really do believe that I just need to forget about him and move on because he obviously couldnt care less. To the last anonymous reader, I know what you're saying is true and maybe i didnt handle it in the best way but i literally felt like id been left with no choice. I told myself that if he got in touch and had the decency to explain to me, i would finish him then and there, but he didnt, instead he chose to do something that he knew would really break my heart, he didnt once consider my feelings. And like i said, he never answered my calls, so he wouldnt of answered even if i did try and get in contact especially if he knew i was angry with him. I maybe did do the wrong thing, but im not going to feel bad about it because i did what was the best thing for me at the time, i was in bits and hysterics completely incoherent. I have also sent messages explaining how i feel but he hasnt once got back to me to explain, so i have given up now.

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A female reader, amazingk United States +, writes (26 March 2011):

amazingk agony auntYou're playing games. He didn't treat you like a girlfriend before, so what would make you think he's gonna go out of his way after you dumped him? Don't "act" like you've moved on, just move on. He's not worth the time or the trouble.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011):

How you go about breaking up with people says a lot about you.

In his case, it seems he didn't have the courage to break up so he neglected you instead. He never approached you and he never wanted to talk about the relationship. He just let his emotions for you and the relationship fizzle out. You called this sort of behavior cowardly and I think you would be right.

In your case, you became angry at him because he hurt your feelings. Then you made the independant choice to break up with him on facebook. I think his is also a cowardly way of ending a relationship. Afterall, you didn't call him, you didn't leave a message, all you did was click a button. He had to find out from the internet that you no longer consider him your girlfriend.

The good thing you did was that you made a pro-active choice....it was probably right choice too in my opinion. But if you made this choice in the hopes that you would bring him closer to you, I think your expecations were a too much.

You broke up with someone to make them care about you? Do you know how insane that sounds?

People don't get closure because they deserve it, the get closure when they move on.

I do know why you're so upset with him not trying to contact you. Indifference is worse than anger and harder to accept, because it means the person literally doesn't care about you enough to get emotional one way or the other. It is the worst and I've been through it.

I've also been afraid to break it off with people literally because on some level, I knew they didn't care about me. I didn't want to see their indifferance if I foramlly broke up with them...and so I avoided ending it and just "pretended" to be in the relationship until a valid excuse came along. This is also cowardly. But when I was finally out of the relationship, I was at least relieved.

Don't you feel relieved at all that you don't have to worry about his neglect?

You can't make people care for you or love you. You can't make decisions expecting that either. What you can do is accept this break up as a person choice and take responsibility for the fall-out. You have to make the choice to care for yourself rather than worrying if he cares about you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (25 March 2011):

Honeypie agony auntYou obviously didn't get what you needed from the relationship so you ended it.

You don't always GET closure. But if he isn't MAN enough to want to talk to you, know that you didn't break up with someone worth hanging on to.

Accept that you did the RIGHT thing in letting him go and begin to move on.

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A male reader, PM Canada + , writes (25 March 2011):

PM agony auntYou do not have control over whether or not another person wants to talk to you, all you can do is figure out what you're going to do with you.

Because you can't talk to him, try writing him a letter (with pen and paper) of all the things that you would want to say to him. You don't have to send this letter, but you can if you choose to. It's about you getting closure and telling him all the things that you want to tell him if you could.

Break ups are difficult and what you're feeling is very normal. Trying to get some closure on a past relationship and trying to figure out how to move is definitely a good way to go.

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011):

You could try writing to him and explain how you feel. That might give you some closure. If he is a coward he may not respond. Good luck.

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A male reader, lolakkatuk United Kingdom +, writes (25 March 2011):

Well, I'm a guy. (lol) and to be honest, he sounds like a d*ck. I wouldn't get back together if I was you but, if you do love him still or if you just wanna be friends with him I suggest you maybe pay him a visit. Actually talk to him face-to-face. If you don't want to do this, you shouldn't be with him. . .

I feel that, if he likes you, he will be shocked by your appearance and might think about what a d*ck he has been.

(I'm a 13 year old boy but I have had something similar with a girl, I met up with her and now we are good friends).

Good luck! Hope this helped!!!

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A male reader, eric.troy South Africa + , writes (25 March 2011):

The 'closure' that you're saying you think you need actually sounds like wanting to hear that he 'needs' you more than the little you're currently seeing.

There's nothing anyone can say or do to give someone else true closure. Whatever they'll say you'll be going in circles with the sense that it's not quite that, and when they address that new thing it'll again not be quite that, and so on.

True closure comes from within oneself when one's mind is at peace, having acknowledged one's true responsibility to its fullest for the course of events.

What the other person does or doesn't do will then seem to have much less bearing on our progress than we were hell-bent on believing. A pretty empowering feeling if you ask me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011):

If you have been treated as anything less than an Empress, he is not worth the skin he is made of; and the last two years might have been a complete waste. Get a guy who adores you, returns all your texts, holds the door open and everything.

And at your age, you can do exactly that.

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