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We are uneasy with our son's choice of a wife that we know very little about

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Question - (3 August 2019) 11 Answers - (Newest, 5 August 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My son works abroad and is engaged to his Brazilian girlfriend for a year.

They were planning to get married next year.

Now he has told us that they tend to marry next month in Brazil without us being there!

Both myself and my husband feel very hurt about this.

He is intending to work for another 5-6 months abroad and then return home to settle here in the UK.

We both have worked very hard to provide a good home and opportunities for our children and we were always there for them.

He wants us to keep it all a secret from everyone until he comes home in 5-6 months and then has a party!

When he went to work abroad he said he would save and come home and buy a house ect. but he doesn't seem to have saved much at all.

Although he has taken her here to the UK on holidays we don't feel we really know much about the girl at all.

We both did notice that our son seemed to have to do alot for her and she slept alot!

We understand that it is his life but we don't want to be in a position that we didn't choose ourselves either!

When he comes home he does not offer to pay anything towards his keep for 6-8 weeks at a time and although he has done some jobs around the house when asked he sleeps most of the day and stays up most of the night on the phone to her.

When his girlfriend goes back home she pays bills for her family.

We are just really worried about the situation we are getting into here.

All advice appreciated!

Thanks to everyone who takes time to read our post.

View related questions: engaged, on holiday

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2019):

You are getting all upset over nothing.When your son comes home tell him they cannot live with you that they must rent their own flat.Tell them now so they can save.They probably do not want to live with you anyway.Letting them live with you will not help him at all.Let him go.Yes he is your son but let him be a man for once and not your little baby...really do you want him to grow up or not.Just do not support them in any way. Now it is truth time...I think you really do not like her but let me tell you this...if you let your dislike of her show you will lose your son.So be kind to her.Do not try to make her life suck.Congratulations to your son and his new wife....time for them to be grownups let them.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (5 August 2019):

mystiquek agony auntMom, you and dad need to talk to your son. You need to stand united and tell your son that you love him and want him to be happy but if he and his wife are going to move in with you that there HAS to be some ground rules. They are adults and must understand that you can't foot the bill for everything. They need to help both financially and also do chores around the home..not just when asked to. Explain to him just as you did here..you aren't there to be a hotel and you aren't young and you do need help and you shouldn't have to ask the two of them should know they need to help with things. Try to remain calm and logical. Your husband and you need to decided beforehand exactly what you want, what you are expecting. Don't just assume that your son/daughter-in-law know what to do make sure they understand. As much as I'm sure you love your son, its not fair if he thinks they can just come home and sponge off of you and your husband. Don't suffer in silence, its your home and you have every right to expect things to go smoothly. If they aren't going to step up and help you then maybe they'd better make arrangements to live somewhere else. Try not to stress so much..just state how you want things to be and hope that your son understand where you are coming from. I wish you all the best.

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A female reader, KeW United Kingdom +, writes (5 August 2019):

KeW agony auntHello OP,

I'm sorry you're feeling so desperate about this. Perhaps your son needs a stern talking to about his responsibilities while he stays at your house *before* he comes to stay, so he can find other accommodation if he is not happy with the rules. Work it out with your husband first, then tell your son together.

As for the future, nobody knows what will happen, so please try not to panic about the worst case scenario before anything even begins to go that way. If you and your husband are truly struggling with this and feel unable to improve how you feel by yourselves, please seek a few sessions of therapy through your GP.

You do not have to allow him to sponge off of you. How he spends his money is up to him (even if you think he spends too much on her), provided he pays his way when staying with you.

As difficult as it may seem, a lot of this stress can be reduced by you putting your foot down and your husband backing you up. If you don't build the courage to do this, you are inflicting more stress on yourselves than necessary.

Best of luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019):

Thank you so much everybody for your honest answers.

His girlfriend is not pregnant, he said he needs to get married now so as she can apply for her spouse visa to come to the UK when they are ready, that it takes 3 months from they get married for her to get the visa.

We totally understand that its their relationship & weather we like the girl or not its not for us to decide who or where he gets married.

We needed some time to save to go to his wedding, just like most people & its much harder to save when you have more living in the house & not paying their way or helping out much! We both work full time & have went through a tough recession here in the UK. We have been just keeping heads above water with not much over for ourselves by the time we pay the bills to be honest! We have explained that to him many times & its embarrassing having to do so! He is 28 & when we were much younger than him we were independent & paying our own way.

He hasn't told us his full plans & I don't think he really knows himself exactly what he is doing. What we have picked up though is that although she is not from a well off background herself that she likes nice things but has not completed working obligations to fulfill them herself & that our son spends his earnings on her while she sends hers home ! We really cannot afford to keep 2 extra people & go to work all day while they sleep & then come home in the evening to find the kitchen in chaos with not a clean pot or pan to make our own dinner! & the heating full blast in the middle of July! The stress of that again would just finish us off, we can't cope with it, especially when it could be for God knows how long!

To be honest I'm not just worried & annoyed now about it all but physically sick & we are both worried that if they have kids & it doesn't work out how are we all going to cope if she decides to move back to Brazil.

My heart is broken & so is his Dads.

Thanks everyone so much again & please any more advice is still very welcome.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (4 August 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think it will help you if you can hold onto the fact that he is not getting married in Brazil without you there to hurt you but because that is where his life is at the moment and that is where he and his fiancee have decided they want to get married. It sounds like they have decided to not having anyone there from the UK and that is their choice. They are going to invite friends and family to celebrate their wedding when they return to the UK. Most people would not be able to afford to attend a wedding that far away, so this is probably quite a sensible compromise. It is certainly not unusual.

As for you not really knowing his future wife, well, you are not the ones who are marrying her. HE obviously knows what he needs/wants to know about her and HE had chosen to marry her. You will get to know her better when they move to the UK. Hopefully you will get on well together and understand why he chose her as a life partner. If not, then you will just have to stand back and let them get on with it, hard as that may be. You have based your opinion of her on a snapshot of their life together, a short period when they stayed with you. So she slept a lot? Perhaps she was unwell? Or homesick? Or jet lagged? Or uncomfortable in your house? Don't judge her until you get to know her better.

As for money, why are YOU not asking for a contribution when he (and she) stay over? You have extra costs to cover. Work out how much more it is costing you when he/they are staying and ask him for a fair contribution. If they had to stay in a hotel, it would cost them a hell of a lot more. He is an adult, earning his own money. He should be paying his way, not sponging off his parents. If he doesn't have the manners to offer to pay, you need to spell it out to him that you are not prepared to support him and his fiancee in this way.

I would strongly suggest, when they are due to come back to the UK, that you have the conversation with your son well in advance about where they are going to stay. You can help him find accommodation before he comes back so that you are not saddled with the pair of them. If this is not possible, set a definite time limit on how long you are prepared to allow them to stay with you while they find somewhere of their own. Also make it clear that they will have to contribute towards the household expenses WHILE they are staying. Unless you are happy with them staying with you (and, of course, paying their way), do NOT agree to it and then be unhappy with a situation you have created yourself. Don't be a push-over, just because he is your son.

Good luck. I hope you get to love your future daughter-in-law.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 August 2019):

Honeypie agony auntHow old is he?

If he is past 25, I would be pretty upfront about him helping with some expenses when he is home for 6-8 weeks. Your house is not some flophouse, it's your home and HE is a grown ASS man. If he was staying at a HOTEL he'd be paying too. Financially, he should be responsible for himself.

As for her. Well, you can't PICK his partners for him. Not in this day and age and in most cultures. HE has picked her. Doesn't mean it will work out, doesn't mean it won't.

THAT is up to them. I think as LONG as they don't RELY on you and your husband to take CARE of them. I can imagine that this is hard because you don't REALLY know her and you haven't really seen them that much together, but fact is he is a grown up and will make his own choices and mistakes.

I would also advice that they DO NOT move in with you when he is done working overseas and moving back to the UK. If you DO put them up, do so for a SHORT and CLEAR time like such as a month, while HE finds them a place to live. Otherwise you will get stuck with the two of them and that will be NO good for anyone.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (4 August 2019):

mystiquek agony auntI caution you to be very careful as to how you approach your son and what you say. I know that you want the best for your son and as parents we can often see things that our children do not see or have not experienced yet and although it can come across as meddling...we are trying to help them and do not want to see them make mistakes. BUT...they are adults and even though we may give them incredibly good advice it doesn't mean that they will follow it. Everyone has to follow their heart and when the heart is leading..pain can sometimes follow.

I speak from experience, I have 2 children of my own, both in their 30's. I seen my daughter go through a heart wrenching divorce and now she is married to a man that causes her much heart ache, she apparently "loves him". All I can do is be there if she needs me. Its hard to stand by and watch your children hurt but we have to trust them in their judgment and god forbid if things don't work out, be there to help pick up the pieces. I advise you to try and give him the benefit of the doubt, try to give advice if he needs it and if he doesn't..then just be a loving supportive parent as much as you can. Don't alienate your son even if you don't agree. It will only hurt everyone.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI'm sorry you feel conflicted about this. For what it's worth, if she sleeps a lot and he does many things for her, she may have a health issue that includes exhaustion.

Another note in this lady's favour is that she goes home and pays her family's bills, but your son doesn't.

He shouldn't be making international calls on your phone bill (if he is) - he should have a mobile for that or use a free online video chatting website like Google Hangouts or Skype.

Ask him to give you as much notice as possible for their wedding, so you can send them a card (or be there, if you could afford to). Show support because it's his mistake to make, if they're not a good match.

You will have to stop thinking of it as "we don't want to be in a position that we didn't choose ourselves either" because it isn't your life. You acknowledge that it's his life, but then make it about you. It does affect you and I can understand your concern, but everything everyone else does puts us in a situation we didn't choose and we can't change that; we just have to do the best we can with the choices we do have.

My old friend was 22 when he married his wife and moved to Barcelona. Two years later, their son tells them that his wife is now his husband because his spouse came out as transgender. It was a shock to them, but they have been accepting because he is happy with his spouse - whether they are his wife or his husband. His parents were in a situation not many people find themselves in and they didn't choose it, but they decided to trust their son to make the decisions that were right for him (whether they turn out to be mistakes or not) and they wanted to do the best they could as parents of an adult - which means supporting him and his husband.

If he senses that you aren't sure about her, it will put distance between you. She may even sense it. Talk to your son about him paying towards his expenses while staying with you. Also make the conscious decision to ask more about her, their life, their plans, etc. Be interested in them and her. You'll never know much about her if you don't make extra effort to show an interest.

I understand your concern, but this is not a "situation you are getting into" or one you have any control over, so you'll have to do what you can with how his life is panning out.

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A female reader, NORA B Ireland +, writes (4 August 2019):

At a time like this it is very difficult to be a mum and dad..and maybe watching your son make a big mistake..yes i do really understand your situation.First of all would you consider having a gentle but firm words...on helping out on a money level when he is at home...also a mention of the phone bill..i feel this would be only fair.However with regards his girlfriend..this is a very sensitive area.. and would be a good idea to thread with care..after all you do not want to to back yourself into corner.Because believe me if he has to make a choice.....hurtful as it would be ..he would choose her.So on this level you might consider going with his wish with regards to wedding plans and in keeping his secret.....because he will carry out his wishes anyway.Right now you both have to use the wisdom of the years....hurtful as it is..and go with his plans.He will see it as his life,his choice of wife ,where he chooses to marry..and his party after.In a situation like this all one can hope for that he will apply the standards that he was reared with.You are both very lucky to have each other to discuss this situation.When 2 people are in love they sometimes forget their mum and dad has feelings.So all you can do right now is trust your son that he has made the right choice of girl to be his wife.No it is not easy to deal with..but maybe in time.Kind regards NORA B.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019):

You are right to be concerned. For a marriage to be successful it needs a good grounding with parents, family & friends also & your son doesn't seem to recognize that, more so when marrying someone from a different country & culture. Things are different when we come home. Working abroad is like one big holiday even though it is still working. I worked abroad for a number of years & got engaged to a native girl. We came back to the UK as she got a 3 month holiday visa. It was fine at first until the novelty wore off! The UK can seem to foreigners like the place to be & that life will be perfect. They don't factor in that we here in the UK have to work for a living & its not one big party!I invested years in that relationship & alot of money! Needless to say we are no longer together & I wouldn't change my life now for the world!I guess maby I needed to experience what I didn't want to know what I did want!

I am married now to my lovely wife & have 2 kids! We are looking forward to our 5th Wedding Anniversary & also my 40th birthday! So we have booked our local hotel to celebrate with our whole family & friends! Life is good!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2019):

I'm afraid there probably isn't much you can do other than support your son. If they are planning to get married much sooner than expected, is it possible that she is pregnant? You can of course express that you would like to attend their wedding, even if you have to travel there, but its his choice at the end of the day. Have you asked your son why they are getting married sooner than expected in Brazil?

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