A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and we have been insanely happy together... except that for a while, he has been having urges to go out and "experiment". We both have limited exposure to other people, and he is still in high school. He also has significant influences, such as his mother and his friends, telling him that it's important for teenagers to go out and "sow their oats" so to speak, and not be committed this way. We initially decided to go on a break last September, until he said he only wanted to be with me and that he would deal with it on his own. Several months later, I found out that he has been cheating on me online with girls who he has never met in person- instant chat, etc. I almost broke up with him at this point, but he told me that I was what he really wanted and he would do anything to keep me. I've been struggling with this since then (roughly two months ago) and our relationship has not been the same. He is now saying that he has a problem- although he really wants to be with me and me alone, and one of his greatest fears is losing me and what we have together, he has nearly uncontrolable fantasies about other women, other situations, etc. He does not trust himself not to act on them, and I don't trust him either. However, he says he genuinely wants to get rid of these and fix our relationship. My question is this: How do I help my boyfriend learn to control these urges? How do I teach him that it's acceptable to be with only one person, and that he isn't missing out- that these are just fantasies? Also, how do I let this go myself and avoid feeling resentful? He's says he's willing to do anything... so what should we do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2007): If you are 17 and have been with this boy for two years, that means you were 15 when you first started dating him.
My dear, as enjoyable as it has been, and fond of each other as you are, it is not good to be committed to one another at such a young age.
The fact is, teens are MEANT to "play the field" - and I don't mean have sex - but to meet other boys and girls and see what they're like. This is why he feels the urge to "experiment" and why his mother and friends talk about "sowing oats." This is also important for YOU to do.
Unless you do see other boys, you will be in a very poor position to know what you really want in an eventual long-term relationship that might lead to marriage. You won't have had experience of dating others to make comparisons.
I do realize this is not something you want, but you won't be able to prevent him from meeting other girls online and you will feel resentful and unhappy. As I have already said, the thing to do is to realize that people your age are expected to meet and date numerous others, and that this is a normal and natural part of becoming a fully rounded, responsible and mature adult.
Let it go for now, see other boys and if in a couple of years from now, the interest is still there for both of you, why then you can "revisit" your relationship.
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