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We are getting married soon and I'm tired of family living with us

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 October 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 October 2017)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello, I've been with this man for almost 6 years we have a solid ground relationship as to knowing to take care of the important things like bills and kids. He proposed to be in 2016 and we haven't actually started planning our wedding together, I've done it with a close friend. He's more concern about the money. As we decided on our date for us to sign our papers which is coming up soon at the end of 2017. His family (mother and sister) decides they want to move in with us.. I can't say much because my family had their fair share of living with us in the past.. We open our home for everyone down to animals but now I think it's time to close our doors because we will be getting married soon. When people are in our space I feel stuck in the corner because my privacy is gone, I feel like he doesn't notice me when people are in our space or around. Let's just say he's more nicer to me when we're alone. Our relationship isn't perfect but we built our bond on LOVE and trusting in Jesus. But then I don't know if these are signs from God now.... My engagement ring only last for 3 months, we barely go on dates because of bills, bills, bills. Which we make sure we aren't in debt at all. Back to the family members moving in... I have a weird feeling about it. Married Couple comes back home to people laying on your couch.. how would you feel? I don't want to go through the rest of my relationship/marriage being watched as a mother,wife or a human at least. I don't want to come in between a mother and son. But once I turn into a man's wife I want to take care of my man and kids, clean, nature etc... having two other woman in my space. I'm wondering are they going to clean, cook something??? I have kids and a man plus myself. I need advice because I'm thinking back and feeling like I deserve so much more. I know I need to invest in a vibrator because we don't have sex anymore because people are in our living room. I know something is terribly wrong if I'm up at night... two seconds away from watching open. Le'Struggle is real. There's more signs but If I keep going it will sound crazy. Just know the good out ways the bad. But the devil is definitely trying us for goodness sakes.

View related questions: debt, money, notice me, vibrator, wedding

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYou really NEED to have this sorted out. Because you can't start a marriage with such a big gap in what you both feel is right.

YOUR home should be the "sanctuary" for your family. The husband and kids. Not a place for the rest of the family to shack up when no one else wants to pay for them.

My advice?

Step 1. TALK to your fiance. Tell your fiance that you wish to put the wedding on hold till you have come up with a solution that works for you both. So GET on that ball NOW, in case you are renting anything or buying things for the wedding.

Step 2. STOP catering to these people. Don't cook them breakfast, lunch or dinner. If they don't work they can get off their asses and do that for themselves.

Step 3. Set up a chore rota and add the mother and sister. If they (again) are not working and not helping financially... they can pitch in with chores. It might "encourage" them to move out.

Stop 4. Look for available and affordable rentals for your MIL/SIL and give them the listings.

I see what your fiance's issue is. You are the one CATERING to HIS mother and sister NOT him, so he doesn't see it as a problem. He is gone all day and doesn't HAVE to deal with not feeling at home in his own home. He used to live with his mom and sister so that isn't strange to him.

I would crawl the ceiling if I had to have any of my husband's family living with us. We have a camper that we use for when family and friends visit - so THEY and US can have SOME privacy.

I think you need to be firm here.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2017):

He keeps bringing up my family and I've told him I learned from it and this is why I speaking on it now. He doesn't understand because he works and I'm home. So when I'm home and there's awkward silence in the house coming from people that expects me to feed them breakfast, lunch & dinner. How am I supposed to be feel? His mother even asked me to polish her TOE nails. I told her in a very nice way she could take her self to the nail salon. Just like I do. My thing is if she's comfortable on asking me something like that what kind of questions am I going to get in the future?? Like should I marry or just so bad all by myself. I already took on his other kids from a previous relationship and they come here as well...so the walls are definitely closing in. The mother made a comment about us moving when my lease is up... I have no intentions on moving while my credit score is going up and they have bad credit. I will not be setting myself up. Once I got on my own, I already said am I not moving unless I have all the funds for a nice house. Not a house to make it convenient for everyone else. All the bills are in my name and it's my place. I had a week to get my life together years ago and I did with a kid/plus working. I don't understand why everyone comes here. And not try for themselves.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2017):

He said it will be differently from when my family lived with us because my side took from us instead of helping us. As for as for his family, they are coming from a place they both were laying their heads. I guess they had money issues and the people they used to stay was asking them for more money. And from what I heard they

(refused) to up the money. So they came here. Which is showing me now if they won't pay there, they won't pay here. He told me they will help out with the kids but I haven't gotten any help and I'm not looking for any either. She doesn't do pampers nor dishes and apparently not clean. So where's the help? I am a woman with responsibilities the help will be nice. Instead of sleeping all day and I'm still doing my part as a woman just can't be free in my own home. Down to the clothes and they could.... I don't want anyone to feel like they can walk all over me especially not in my house. My fiancé told me to Learn to let go things and just let it happen. Ive been silent for too long, if you want a healthy, successful, marriage let us build that in our space. And For one I have kids, my kids shouldn't have to tip-toe around the house all day long. I know the struggle is hard for people but Why put your struggles in someone else's home?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 October 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYou need to talk to your partner about this. He might feel it's totally natural to have family living with you and think this is GREAT! But he might also FEEL like you. You won't know till you talk.

I think this NEEDS to be sorted BEFORE you tie the knot. If you two don't see eye to eye on this, what then?

Is your BF taking care of the mom and sister too, financially? Or are they helping out with money for food, rent? Do they help clean, cook, etc?

Did YOUR side of the family?

SIT down and talk to him (make sure you two have privacy for this so his mm and sister don't feel like you only want them out because they are HIS side of the family, if you get my drift.

We (my husband, my kids and I) stayed 3 months with my BIL when we relocated and to be honest? It was nothing short of a nightmare for me. Because NO ONE on "their" side did anything around the house. No cooking, no cleaning, no laundry (unless they had no clean towels) so it kind of fell on me to organize and get stuff going. I could probably write a few pages on how it all went down... lol and how STRESSFUL it was.

My husband even talked about buying a house with his BIL big enough for both families (when we first relocated) and I told him no. Not going to happen. I shudder to think how much of a clusterfu#% that would have been.

Write down the points you want to put across to him and then talk it over.

I think it's time his mom and sister move out. They are still family, always will be. Give them 30 days to find a place and move out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2017):

I totally understand where you are coming from and you must not allow his family to move in even if this means cancelling the wedding.

If they move in you will regret it and wish you had never got married.

Tell your fiancé exactly how you feel and if he can't understand this himself then it's time to move on because you will not be happy with this man.

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