A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After being attached to his phone the TV and napping all day I asked my husband if he would spend some time with me. He suggested we have friends over I replied I would rather spend the night with just you since we haven't had a night alone in a while. He got all bent out of shape told me I talked to him like his mom and made him feel like an idiot all because I wanted the night to be just us. Then he went on to tell me that this is the reason he doesn't want to spend time with me because I nag him. I am completely dumbfounded because all I said is I would like a night alone with him. Then as we went on to discuss this more I said it would be nice if he made an effort to spend time with me because the only time we spend together is when I go into the room he is watching TV in and sit there. No talking because I will get yelled at for interrupting his show so we just sit in a room together no interaction and he thinks that is spending time together. When I asked him to make an effort he said no I don't want to make an effort it should just come natural if we are going to spend time together. I don't know what to do. I don't want to just be ok with him spending all his time on YouTube or watching TV but I don't feel like fighting for his attention any more. It is getting easier to be without it and that scares me. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Hello there. What is interesting about DearCupid as it seems there are so many people dealing with narcissists or at least narcissistic tendencies that is quite mind-blowing.I suggest you go onto youtube and look up Angie Atkinson, who has a series of brilliant videos about narcissists - how to spot them, how to heal from them, etc.1, You express you desire. He tells you no. He then informs you it is YOUR fault HE doesn't want to be alone with you. Now, where is his care of your feelings there?? So, you want intimacy, you are denied intimacy and told it's YOUR fault you can't have it. Where is HIS responsibility at any level on this? It's YOUR fault HE doesn't want to be alone with you. YOU. YOU. YOU.2. YOu may now NOT talk when he is watching TV. If you do, you will be verbally abused. How is this even remotely reasonable?? I don't mean loving I mean basic REASONABLE civilised behaviour?3. He has now CONDITIONED you to stop asking. This, in my view, is a narcissist. Get out now.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (30 October 2017):
 I'm looking at this from a different perspective and angle.
I actually think that you need to tell your husband that it's time for the two of you to have a serious talk.
Only you know him better than anybody, so you will be more aware of his prospective reaction.
Even if it's more adverse, still let him know what's on your mind/chest.
You've every right. You're his wife.
You don't need to sound angry, be upset or lose your cool, but it's important to be yourself and to be truthful/transparent.
You guys are married and if a married couple can not talk to each other openly, with patience and respect, then what do you really have?
Your husband may not know exactly what to say, because you aren't being very specific, however, this doesn't take away from his rather abrupt and cold behaviour toward you.
It shouldn't matter how many years you've been together, nor should things go downhill either.
True love grows, it shouldn't start to wither and die.
A relationship, like a flower or a house, requires plenty of TLC, otherwise it will eventually crumble and die.
It sounds as though your husband is bored, isn't feeling what he once felt when being with you.
It's a bit like trying to find a needle in a haystack though.
Unless you ask your husband exactly what you want to know, then you'll most likely never know.
If you get it all off your chest, regardless of the outcome, at least you'll know where you currently stand with your husband.
He may not like what you have to say, but if you have to say it, then say it.
Just remember to be respectful, to be calm and rational when speaking with him.
If you remain calm and composed and non-emotional, so will he.
I have no idea how long you've known each other and have been married, nor do i know the exact nature of your relationship since day one, so it's a bit hard to give you more accurate advice.
From what you've shared with us, it sounds as though you and your husband really need to talk things through and yes, away from the tv and all the technical gadgets.
You may even require a bit of a walk down memory lane type scenario, just to bring back more happy and exciting memories of the two of you.
If all that fails, then you should try doing totally different things together and if that fails still, then it may be time for couples/marriage counselling, before even thinking of throwing the towel out.
I wish you the best of luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): To explain the context by the use of the term "man's world."
Don't look at women the wrong way. Don't let your eye-contact linger too long when looking at another guy. It's either taken as a challenge, or you're gay. Correct your tone when responding to an insult from your boss. He or she is offering you a pissing-contest; but you feel pissed-on, and pissed-off. You make a mistake, and all the other guys feel that any weakness they can find is cause for picking fun. Someone says something that hurts your feelings; but you have to pretend you're tough, but it stung like hell. The boss treats all the younger guys like he's looking for your replacement. Some new-guy has no idea what he's doing; but he's dumped on your team to clean him up.
That's a guy's world.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): What do you want to do together? Do you have any specific plans or desires? Any specific activity or place you want to go?
Being married, you are together all the time. If you need something special from him, you have to be more specific. Maybe he isn't good at planning things. So maybe you'd like to go dancing? Maybe you feel like seeing a movie together; or just make reservations for a weekend at a country-inn for a change of scenery.
Men think logically. So when you want something, sometimes you have to tell us what it is. Not something as open-ended as "doing something together." He works all day, in a "man's world." Everything is gender-specific and challenges his masculinity. He has to take crap from a boss, or deal with a difficult employee; but control his temper and what comes out of his mouth. At the end of a day, he hates the public.
In your single-twenties, there's nothing to hold you back; you can misbehave, and you're responsible for nobody but yourself. We have to grow-up!
Testosterone requires a great deal of restraint. You're exhausted at the end of the day keeping it in-check. Not that women have it easy, just different. Women don't have to restrain the inner-brute and primal-beast who wants to punch somebody for a snarky-comment; or not raise your voice at a bratty-child, or suppress your temper around women. We come home and retreat into our boyhood. You need to push him out of the house on weekends. Plan your vacations for only the two of you.
His day is totally different from yours. I don't mean job-wise; I mean what is expected of him as a guy. Home is his haven and retreat. TV and his digital device is his escape.
The beer is free, and the couch fits him like a glove.
I think doing things on your own is nice; but what I pickup from your post is you want him to do something with you that is romantic and openly demonstrates his affection. You want his attention focused on pleasing you. Am I right? You want to feel desirable and be shown-off like arm-candy! To laugh and giggle like you used to! I feel you there!
Try being specific. What is it you'd like to do together that would make you happy? If he isn't creative; then remind him of what you did when you were dating. Live concerts, walking on the beach, a picnic under a tree in the country. Maybe a walk on the upscale-side of the city holding hands; just sightseeing and window-shopping. Rent a convertible and ride with the top down. Or, take a long ride with the top down, if you have one. To cite a few examples for you.
He has been so busy being a husband, maybe a dad, and a provider. His fun has become more simplistic and requires less effort or expense. He has been tamed by married-life. He's domesticated and content. That's what marriage will do after a few years. His needs are few and simple.
You have to coach him back into being a date. Which means you yourself have to be more interesting.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2017): It's normal that he wants to be left alone sometimes, but if that's the only thing he does and always prefers it to spending quality time with you, then something IS wrong.His behavior is (passive) aggressive. If you're giving us all the info, it seems that the moment you ask him to spend some time with him, he creates and argument, accuses you of constantly nagging et voilà he doesn't have to make an effort and do something he doesn't feel like doing.What bothered me is that he doesn't mind having some people over, he minds being alone with you. That says a lot.What comes natural for him is to exclude you, to avoid intimate contact (I'm not just talking about sex here).Be honest with yourself. How was your marriage and what has it turned into? Is he still even there or is he just going through the motions? How are your finances? As a couple and individually? If he wanted to leave you could he do it easily? (important to know if something like money problems could be keeping him from leaving). Is he a clingy person who's afraid to be alone? (if that's the case he might be afraid to step out into the cold world, but at the same time wanting to leave the marriage and hating you for his own weaknesses).If I were you, I'd focus on myself, my needs and prospects for self-betterment. Eat healthy, join a gym, yoga, go to meditation classes, (re)connect with friends, work on your CV, polish a foreign language you've learned... whatever! Just focus on yourself. You'll achieve double benefit. First of all you'll feel much better and second of all you'll give him space.Decide what you want to do with your life. After a while (when you're ready) you should have an adult conversation about where you're headed. But, chose a neutral moment, don't nag him, don't ask anything from him, just a calm conversation. If he explodes, well it's an answer in itself.Another thing, depressed men are often aggressive. Has he ever suffered from depression? Is he taking any meds? Since he wanted to hang out with his friends and not you, I wouldn't say that it's (just) depression, but it's worth checking it out.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 October 2017):
I was going to suggest something similar to honey pie. Go out and have fun. Enjoy your life, don't make him responsible for your enjoyment.
If he asks what's going on tell him the truth. Maybe he'll get a clue.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 October 2017):
 Maybe you need to start leaving the house and doing things with friend and family. I don't mean going drinking or anything like that, but LET him miss you. If he doesn't WANT to interact with you at home I'd honestly start focusing on my social like OUTSIDE the home. At least for a while. It doesn't seem like this is a subject he wants to talk about, which means he expects YOU to shut up and put up. Which in turn means, nothing will change from his end.
So it's up to you.
If you starting to have a social life doesn't get him off the couch when you get home, you have to consider if THIS is what you want to come home to every day.
How long have you been married, and for how long has this been going on?
...............................
|
