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We are both married men but bi curious. We have had sex but I think he's in denial. Any advice for me?

Tagged as: Dating, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 December 2006) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 December 2006)
A male age , *hrisCross writes:

I am a 42yo male. I've been struggling with same sex attraction for years. But I had convinced myself it was something that could be supressed and never acted on. I've been married for 10 years and have a child. Over the last 3 years I've become very close friends with a guy at work. He was also married with children. From the beginning there was attraction between he and I. As the friendship grew, the vibes got stronger and stronger. He and his wife seperated about 6 months ago. Around that time the flirting between he and I had become very intense. One night when we were just hanging out, it was like someone flipped a switch and we both started talking openly about the attraction between us. He said that he has always been very curious and had in fact experimented previously with 2 other guys. But he maintained that he considered himself to be straight but just very uninhibited. We had sex that night. He was very cool with it, but said we just needed to keep it "recreational". I told him up front about my questions concerning my sexuality, and I also told him that to me this was more than a sexual thing, that there were also some emotional feelings for him. He said he was cool with that but I shouldn't expect him to return those feelings. We had sex on a regular basis for several months. During that time, I admit I fell in love with him. As this was happening I also began to admit to myself that I am at the very least Bi and possibly gay. Whichever was the case, I knew I had to be open about it with my wife. I came out to her about a month ago and we are working through this the best we can. My friend began dating a girl about 2 months ago. He said one day that he had the best of both worlds, meaning me and her. Around that time he and I went on a little r and r trip for a week. We had a room with one bed. We had sex a couple of times but I could tell something was bothering him. He finally told me that he feels guilty because he can't return the feelings that I have for him. He also said he doesn't know if he and I being together is right and he feels guilty afterwards. He said that he's afraid that it's going to come between our friendship. So we haven't been together since then. Every time we're together, his eyes and body language tell me something completely different though. And last week when I told him that I was thinking of going out with another guy, he got visibly upset, and the jealousy was apparent. He even started being really flirty and sexy. But when I asked if he wanted to have sex, he paused for a minute and said that we'd better not. The next day he said he was sorry if he upset me by saying no, but he is afraid a continued physical relationship will come between the friendship. This is all new to me. I don't have a clue what's going on in his head. Is he in denial or is he just trying to dump me gently? Help!

View related questions: at work, fell in love, flirt, jealous

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006):

I had this same incident happen with my ex-boyfriend in college. What it means is that there are issues between sexual chemistry- which exists, and legitimate feelings. Don't confuse sexual jealousy with emotional jealousy.

You need to be honest with yourself, and with this guy you're with. You need to have an intervention with him, and ask him, "What's really best for us?"

You might be elated/disappointed with the results, but at least you won't flounder from point to point like this. Otherwise, it will ruin you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006):

hey there,

well your situation is a little tricky, but I'd recon you need to have a serious chat with him, and clarrify this as he is constantly giving you mixed signals which makes you wonder, "well, is it YES, or NO?" You need to have that at least and he should respect you to know that you have feelings and not drag you if his intention and feelings are not pure like yours.

Be careful, and chat with him, he is confused and in the process using you while seeing this other woman and playing both sides.

M xxx ps let us know what happens.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006):

He is just being on the DL and you are going for a whole different thing. Those approaches are probably incompatible.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006):

it sounds to me like he is denial if he got upset

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