| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Thank you Aunts and Uncles for the advice you gave me last time I posted on this subject:I've had a friend since we were born - my father's best friend's daughter, who's been using my inability to tell her "no" for a few decades...Anyway... I did better this time when she invited herself for Christmas. I told her that she should participate in expenses of her stay, shares the chores... and she did. Most of the time. What bugs me the most is that before the Christmas holiday (that she was about to spend with my family at the house we rent) she offered to do something and when I gladly accepted, she promised she would and then... well, she just found a reason not to.Here's what happened:Everybody knows that she invites herself over for holidays and that that's only one of the many things she asks me to do for her. (I know, I'm responsible for letting her and I've been working towards changing that, as I said I had done better this year ;). In retrospect, I think she may have felt a bit embarrassed because of it. So, somewhat theatrically, she offered in front of my family and friends if I wanted to use some of her business contacts to expand my work. She then went on to say how much she knew how talented, capable, hardworking... I was and that it won't be a problem. I accepted (and was surprised since she had never EVER done that before, not even when I would ask her). My family was no less surprised. The only one who told me to watch out was my grandma, who has known her ever since she was a kid.Anyway, during the holiday she would return to the subject from time to time - usually when some of my friends or family were present. She even went so far as to ask me to prepare my portfolio that she would later own give to her contacts - there was nothing to prepare I already had everything so I gave it to her. She was surprised but said that it was great and that nothing should be changed. I was never the one to bring that subject up, she knew I was interested. fast-forward to January 1. On our way home she suddenly changed her tune in the car. She told me she would have to wait for *something* to happen before she could talk to her friends/business contacts about me. My husband just looked at me and said nothing (we were all in the car together)... because that *something* had already happened! i was there when she got the confirmation. She was on a speakerphone on a parking lot standing next to us...So... I don't know what my question is. Could it be that she was manipulating us, because she felt bad. Did she want to look good in front of my friends and family without actually wanting to help?I don't know...Thank you!
View related questions:
best friend, christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2019): Hi, I'm posting again, I'm the respondent with the mentally ill sister. Just wanted to add that there are many different diagnoses of mental illness, and it is not as 'black and white' as it once used to be considered. Mental illness is something that can affect someone mildly or extremely or can be 'episodic' i.e.. can come and go.Your friend could have something like narcissistic personality disorder. Without professional help and a professional diagnosis, she herself will not get better for her own sake, never mind anyone else's. If you feel you can't take her to a doctor or professional, then maybe ensure that you and your family have lots and lots and lots of discussions, in her presence, about different kinds of mental illness and / or personality disorders. If you want to be kind, then you could talk a bit about how everyone is a little 'off the wall' in terms of their behaviour now and again, and all bring up times when you have behaved anti-socially or whatever. In other words, if you make this kind of conversation part of your normal environment when she is around, it can be the ice-breaker needed to get her to reflect on her own behaviour at least a bit. From there, you can talk about others (invented or real) who had great experiences getting professional help. If you make it seem like a positive thing to do, it may well appeal to her vanity and she will be more inclined to take you up on it. You could even discuss this relative to celebrities with mental illnesses and personality disorders, to make her less afraid of confronting her own behaviour.Also, reflect further on your behaviour towards her - you've come a long way, making the changes that you have, but decide soon whether you have a duty to ensure this person gets care or whether you want to effectively 'enable' her behaviour by more or less going along with it. Sometimes you have to be at least a bit cruel to be kind. Opening out and normalising discussions of mental illness and anti-social behaviours would be a good place to start.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2019): Thank you s much for your answers and support!It is hard for me to say NO to this friend, but I'm learning. And the ultimate test will be the next time she invites herself for the holidays. As for her offer to help. I'll be very careful. She's narcissistic and cares only about #1. It's mostly the little things that drive me mad. E.g. I made a biiiig cake, more than enough for everybody. It was on the counter for all to see and help themselves. She kept eating and eating and eating so much of it that at one point my husband politely asked her to leave some for others. She didn't listen so we had to put the cake away (which we never do) and share what was left after dinner when we all were at the table.Same thing goes when she has any kind of a problem. Let's say she can't pack her stuff in her suitcase, she tries to monopolize everybody's time to help her. basically, she's a 4 year old kid always asking for attention. If we watch a movie - she voted for, by the way, she will play a video game on her phone and keep asking about what she had missed. I don't know if this makes her mentally ill but she would definitely benefit from professional help.Thank you again!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2019): I remember your earlier post. I was one of the respondents who said maybe consider treating her as if she is mentally ill - don't cut her off entirely but point her in the direction of help.I think Honeypie is absolutely 'spot on' with her advice. The LAST thing you want or need is to be introduced to this woman's contacts - even if she DID ever follow up on it, she's so unreliable and untrustworthy and selfish that she'd be bound to mess things up for you and RUIN your reputation in the meantime. I'm actually surprised you didn't see it would make no sense for you to take her up on her offer.You definitely would be minimising this woman's involvement in your life. Even if you still feel duty bound to include her in your family gatherings then you can continue along the lines that you have, ensuring that she makes a contribution. You can become firmer with this over time. It does NOT mean that you have to involve her in your intimate or business life in any other way. Your whole family can be polite, friendly up to a point but very limited in terms of what they will actually DO for her AND very limited in terms of what they ACCEPT from her.My guess is that she sensed a change in you, due to you ensuring she 'pitched in' and sensed a change in her status in your family gathering and this is why she came up with this false offer of help. It's highly likely that she will play a similar game all over again. If she offers ANYTHING other than what you yourself have clearly dictated to her, just don't accept. She is the kind of person who will only ever give something as a means to an end, and it seems like she is the same with taking too.Meanwhile, spend far more of your time building your own contacts in your own way. You can make it very clear to her you are building your own contacts and her 'help' is not needed, thank you very much. Boundaries are absolutely key when dealing with mentally ill people - which is what I think this woman is. Some mentally ill people are experts in manipulation - I know this because my elder sister is mentally ill and will try anything and everything to get what she needs. Offers of anything from her can never be taken at face value.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 January 2019):
 I would say yes, it was all for show, to make HERSELF look good. I would also say that IF she REALLY had wanted to help you, she would have done so AGES ago. Now, does she OWE you to do so? I don't think a friend (or acquaintance) HAVE to mix friendship with business. AT all. I think it can in some cases be a really bad idea. In this case, YOU really DO NOT want to depend on her to make a living. THAT is on you. Make your own contacts, do your own networking. Succeed because OF your talent, not her contacts.
If you feel you can't cut her off entirely, I would say you need to SERIOUSLY downgrade her to an "acquaintance" and that means NO more inviting herself to family holidays etc.
I would NOT bring it up with her, but I WOULD as soon as she talks about NEXT Christmas let her know that next year there will be no guests, that she will need to figure something else out. Not because she didn't keep her promise about the business contact but because the FAMILY holiday should FOR ONCE just be about family. It's something YOU and your family have wanted for a long time but haven't had the nerve to tell her.
And if she still has your portfolio, get it back. If you don't think she really intends on helping you, there is no need for her to have it.(And DO get it back before you make sure she knows this next Christmas she isn't going to butt in on your family).
Other then that, good that you told her to pitch in and that she actually did it. GOOD for you.
...............................
|
