| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I need some objective advice. I am too close to the situation and too emotional I think.My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 3 years. Yesterday, he had family over for the day and did not contact me at all. I texted him at the end of the day telling him what my day was like and told him I missed him and hope he had a good day too. There was no response.I saw him this morning and I was upset he did not contact me at all yesterday. Not even a quick text to say thinking of you or hi. He said he saw the text this morning. That he was busy with family and did not have the phone nearby nor was he checking it. He said he knew he would be seeing me this morning and did not feel a need to text back.I am still upset by this. He made me feel unimportant. Pushed aside and not wanted. Yes, he was with family but could he not have spared a few minutes to text hi or thinking of you? Or a kissy face? Even before bed? Surely he could have checked his phone at the end of the night to see if there were any texts from his girlfriend? We have had this discussion before and he knows how I feel about communication. And yet he still dropped the ball. When he does this, I feel like he is distancing himself.I am not sure if our needs are different or if he does not care about me as much as I care about him? If it is time to walk away? Or am I blowing it all out of proportion?Can anyone help me see this clearly. I am just wallowing in my unimportance and insignificance to him right now. :( And I really do not feel like texting him ever again.Thank you.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 August 2016):
 OP you have over reacted a lot, and not only that but you have made your boyfriend feel bad about not texting for one day, surely after three years that is acceptable? The thing here OP is even after all the feedback your update still makes it sound like you had a right to be upset, that he needs to try harder, and that you have gave him a pass this time. I must admit I feel sorry for your boyfriend if you are always this needy. Relax on him a little bit, distance in a relationship is good and healthy at times.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 August 2016):
 I vote for big overreaction too.
I do not quite agree with llifton, I think that it's more about personality than about age.
Sure, it is certainly true that we " oldies but goldies " Aunts cannot relate much to texting dilemmas because we grew up in a time when people only used phones to communicate, and even that, sparely, because phone calls were expensive. Reason for which I would not even dream to text my Whattsapp contacts " Very hot today here ! I am sweating like a pig ! "- same as I would not CALL people on purpose to tell them that I am sweating... while this is kind of a normal text message nowadays.
Oth, since for work, family and personal reasons I always was and still am often among people much younger than I, and in your age range too, I can see that definitely not all of them rely so heavily on texting to fulfill their social, emotional and psychological needs. By no means. I venture to say that most people, in fact, would not feel bad or worried in your place.
Of course, it all depends from the context, the background.
If you are having a secure relationship, and normally your bf is reasonably caring and attentive, and not stingy with communication- take him at face value : he was busy. He was with family. He did not feel the need to check his phone constantly, because he knows ( or hopes at least ) that his relationships with the closest people to him ( girlfriend and best friends ) are secure and won't be affected by an occasional silence of a few hours. He was going to see you anyway first thing in the morning, and he was going to tell you about his day and ask about yours THEN: what's the big difference ?
When you love and you are loved, you do not need to reinforce that with a kissy face every few hours - it's a given.
I have a grown up son, and I love him of course, but I do not feel the need to call him 3 times a day to tell him : I love you son, I love you son, I love you son. He KNOWS that.
Well, yes, of course it's a different thing, you are talking about a romantic relationship , and we all like the little ego stroke of being reminded daily, or almost, that we are cherished, desired, thought of. But that' s what it is : a little ego stroke. An indulgence, not a necessity. The little cherry on top of the cake, not the cake himself.
If you instead are talking about a relationship with a typical Tweetie- Sylvester dynamics, where you love him and he ... lets himself be loved, where you always have to initiate and push and prod for attention , where you have the reasonable doubt that, left to his own devices, he could easily stay a week or two without contacting you....
then , alas, his silence confirms his emotional distance, in the sense that ANY alteration to his day and schedule makes you slide down in his list of priorities.
( That too, btw, would not necessarily mean that there are no feelings at all, or that he does not care at all . But, that your needs for intimacy and closeness are not well matched. Some people are not that good at doing
" closeness " even when they do have feelings- but obviously these people are not suitable partners for you and will always leave you frustrated and insecure. )
But , since you do not mention anything like that, if we have to assume that normally it is a good, happy, secure relationship ....chill. You have a life, he has a life, accept that some times the events of these lives will keep you apart for a few hours, and it's no big deal.
All this of course assuming that you are NOT a mistress talking about her married lover, as Tisha-1 suggests.
In that case, eh well, what do you expect ??!! Don't you think it would be a bit impolite of him, to say the least, to tell his wife / in laws/ adult children " Excuse me guys, I 'll be with you shortly, I need a few minutes to go text my mistress "?.....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2016): It's the OP.
Thank you for all your answers.
I talked to him about it today. And he said he will make a greater effort. He is usually in touch every day by text and by phone. And I see him almost everyday. So, that is why his not contacting me was out of the ordinary. Usually if his family is over and I can't make it there because I am working, he will still call me or text me. But I guess this time he got really busy. So, I can give him a pass. He does not disappoint me very often. So, maybe because of this, I did not expect it and it threw me off.
He was in touch with me today a lot. I can see that it bothered him that I was hurt and upset by what happened.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (22 August 2016):
 I think you're over reacting as well. It would be a good idea for you to learn to become more emotionally independent.
He spent one day with his family. He did nothing wrong. Being in a relationship does not mean you have to be in touch throughout the day every day, like teenagers. Do that and you'll quickly run out of things to talk about, if you haven't already. He'll grow bored before you will, I'm guessing, and you'll find yourself left behind.
Your expectations are totally unreasonable in my opinion.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 August 2016):
 Wait, re-reading this post reminds me of the woman who's been having a passionate sexual affair with the married man.
In which case, his lack of texting and attention makes sense.
If he's a married man, hasn't separated from his wife, and you've been with him in the extramarital sense for three years, then he's reminding you of your place in his personal hierarchy.
You must be so tired of being the afterthought, after 3 years.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 August 2016):
Why aren't you with him during family visits if you've been together for over 3 years? I guess you were prevented due to work or your own family commitments?
By this point after over 3 years together I'm sure you've made connections with a few members of his family. You could easily handle this by sending a group text to him and the family members you've become close with.
"Alain, Simone, Sarabeth, so sorry I wasn't able to be with you today. I hope it was a great day! All the best!"
Them because he was in a group text he'd know he would have to reply... :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2016): As someone who was a young adult long before cell phones and text messages I can tell you that I find it extremely rude and inconsiderate when people engage in phone or text conversations while in my company, and such boorish behavior makes ME feel unimportant and insignificant and distanced.
Congrats to your boyfriend for NOT being a slave to his phone and properly focusing his attention on his guests. My age may be showing but I simply can't comprehend the ego or vanity or insecurity or neediness that makes someone believe that his/her girl/boyfriend must remain in constant contact while engaged in his/her own activities.
You should be thankful your boyfriend has his priorities in order and doesn't think you need to check in with him several times per day.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 August 2016):
 Everyone has different opinions about this type of stuff. You and I are moderately within the same age range. The majority of our adult life consisted of meeting people and texting as a form of communication. That is what we consider normal dating. So that is what you are used to and that is what you know. That is the norm for you. So deviation from this norm upsets you and confuses you.
With that being said, I fully understand where you are coming from. Whenever I am in a relationship with someone I tend to get along better when we are in contact on a regular basis and I have a routine with them. I like knowing what to expect. I find when that routine gets broken and I don't hear from them for an entire day it throws me off, as well. Not to the point of breaking up but it definitely does make me feel a bit unsettled. That's just my personal preference in relationships. It sounds like that is yours also. I don't think it makes him a bad guy and I don't think it makes you too needy. You both just seem to be on different pages in regards to this matter. He doesn't get how much it really truly bothers you.
Bottom line I do not think you are overreacting because you are entitled to your feelings no matter what. You should be able to communicate this to him and he should be able to reasonably accommodate you. You should learn to meet each other in the middle. If you are persistently feeling let down then there is a problem. I would try to communicate to him once more how and why that upsets you and see if he isn't willing to work on it. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 August 2016):
 You know, it might just be because I'm from a generation that DATED/COURTED etc before cell phones were readily available, but I find this such a OTT "problem" to have to NOT talk to a BF for one day. He had family over, THEY were his focus that ONE day, doesn't mean you were not in his thoughts or heart.
Make your conversations COUNT. Texting is nice, but it's shouldn't be to prime mode of interactions.
NOT talking to each other EVERY day doesn't mean one of you don't care.
And really, the FIRST person he was seeing the next day was YOU. Because HE wanted to see YOU.
Learn to accept that you two are not attached at the hip and that sometimes it's NICE to not be GLUED to your tech. There was really no reason for him to text you and tell you all about the visit when seeing you the next morning.
You know when my husband and I was dating, we were in a LDR - seeing each other ever 4 months in person, CALLING once a week on the phone, e-mailing once or twice a week and sending snail-mail here and there too. I never felt insignificant or unimportant. Even if I missed a call (which happened).
I don't think he dropped the ball last night... I, personally, think you are over reacting.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 August 2016):
 I hate to say it, OP, but this sounds childish. "A kissy face before bed"? "I really don't feel like texting him ever again".... Because of this? Surely this isn't it?
I know you missed him, but that day was for his family, not for you. If they were only there for a couple of hours, I get it, but you can't let yourself feel unimportant just because he didn't text you on a day you knew he was busy.
However, if this happens a lot, even when he's not busy, then your needs are definitely too different to work.
Calls should be more important than texts, but it would be nice if he could have spent two minutes before bed just wishing you a good night or something.
...............................
A
female
reader, princess precious +, writes (21 August 2016):
 maybe you are thinking to much of him let it loose a little family is very important and yes he might have checked hks phone before going to bed but remeber family can be exausting maybe he just wanted sleep. dont think he is distansting from you this happens to quite a lot of people
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2016): Wow. If ever there was an over reaction to something this is it. He tries to please and appease you by the sound of things and also by the sound of things you are pretty hard to please and appease. You can't go ONE DAY without communication from him and you've been together three years?! Whatever is your problem?I'm sure you're very important to him otherwise he would not have tried to meet your very exacting demands for three years. Why can't he have a day without you in his thoughts? He was busy. You know that. I really don't get it. I thought I could be insecure but you're on a whole different level. I strongly recommend that you interest yourself with things other than your boyfriend. Interests and hobbies and friends. Then when you are together, you are an interesting person with new information, things to talk about and laugh at ...together. This is infinitely preferable to someone moaning and throwing a strop about never texting again, because he went ONE DAY without communication. You sound needy and clingy and insecure and that is not attractive. Most men would run from these character traits. Also read up on how men and women are so VERY different in the way that they think and feel about relationships. Men and us are not the same. If you crowd him like this I am surprised you have both lasted this long.Ease up on him for goodness sake :-)
...............................
|
