A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm a bit confused by some actions of my boyfriend, we were visiting his family on the weekend, we all had a nice dinner a few drinks, and then went upto bed. We were having chit chat before sleep, and he said something like all Londoners are 'east end' people, 'pikeys' the only middle class people go and live in Chelsea. So, me , having grown up in London, started to feel slightly hurt, and asked what do you mean, so am i a an 'east-ender?' he said my 'bluntness' means that as all Londoners grow up as its a big city, you don't trust anyone and have to be like that to 'survive', i asked a bit more, but this hole kept getting deeper, he said thats why people living in the countys outside London are seen as soft southerners, mostly they are middle class and they don't do confrontational stuff and thats why he feels safe around fellow middle class people in those situations... it went on. If you have to put a label on it, my background is working class, however I'm an only child and both my parents have always worked hard, tax payers, put me through very good (private) education, his parents would be put into middle class, but his mother is admin of a pharmacy and stepdad a glorified carpenter, the dad is an accountant and step mom is an office PA. He went to pretty average schools but is intelligent. His family are probably more cultured and seen more of the world than my parents. Oh and do have bigger houses. However neither of his parents could afford property comfortably living in big Chelsea houses, that is a fact!But at the crux of it, I don't feel 'inferior' or feel at all out of place, I've had friends far more 'middle-class' than he has ever been or could ever be!Nevertheless this boyfriend of mine for 3 years, astounded me with these mumblings, and I ended up staying awake all night going around this in my head, he fell asleep. He does occasionally say the snobbish comment , which i just let go over my head, but i started to recall the snobbish things he had said throughout the night, and begun to wonder has he always felt like this in our relationship? he's the rebellious son who brings home 'the pikey' to spite his parents.but he really has been the best boyfriend he can be apart from this, he pays 100% attention 95% of the time, we live together, we make plans together, laugh together. He woke up and profusely apologised, said he had no idea what he was saying and it didn't make sense he had too much to drink, he looked genuinely sorry. he was shaking and had watered eyes. I sucked it up because we had to spend the day with his family. We got home, and i broke down and cried because i felt so hurt, I couldn't really do anything about while at his families house. I said I'm scared that you don't deep down have respect for me and my family. He apologised again and said he feels like an absolute twit... I forgave him and we went to sleep peacefully. But I'm just a bit gobsmacked at it all today. Anyone come across anything like this? Have I been a walk over? Or do people really say such 'rubbish' when they are drunk? I say things when I'm drunk, but usually its an over mis construed exaggeration of the truth! Not something false!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2014): Thanks for your thoughts guys! I have forgiven and forgot now, as he seemed genuinely like a douchebag for saying it. I guess the general class distinction bits didn't bother me, and often makes snobbish comments which I let go over my head, and I've read that book before and laughed out loud and totally agree cindy cares! it was when he used examples of my personality, or said my father must ' have dark connections' he was getting personal picking on my traits which in all honesty I disagreed with as nonsense. Which is why I felt hurt, I was very tired when I got home hence I was crying a bit. But I am now at peace and really pleased to hear the comments on the thread ! I do think some of these things cover up insecurities as cindy said too, just from knowing his personality, he takes an instant dislike stance to people who speak ' real posh' which I always find an internal amusement To watch, or sympathy, helps me to brush off the snobby comments, usually !!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014): Being human beings, everyone carries around garbage or baggage in the back of our minds. You included.
Some of us have a better moral compass than others. Yet sometimes we catch ourselves being judgmental over those passing judgment. It becomes catch 22 when we want to be fair and upright. Your boyfriend apologized for foul comments said under the influence of alcohol; and like you and any person reading this, has done on one occasion or another.
You sometimes unintentionally hurt feelings. Once words are in the air, you cannot take them back. Sometimes we don't know the impact they may have on the ears that hear those words. Anger we bury about one thing manifests itself in many ways. You may really harbor resentment about one thing on your mind; but you choose a totally unrelated subject to purge that aggression.
Your boyfriend may have been insulted by one of those "pikeys" or "east-enders," and let it slide. He may have kept it bottled up, and he decided to vent it; after an overdose of "liquid-ass-holiness" overtook his tongue. You were the unfortunate captive-audience of his toxic performance. So very very sorry about that! We never like to see the ugly-side of our beloved. It happens. He may not have made a big deal over it when you did it. You may have totally dismissed it, and it never came up again. So this time, perhaps he gets a pass.
You have to have pride in who you are, and not feel too sensitive of opinion. You can love people who have opinions we don't like. Don't fool yourself into thinking you are so pristine and upright in your thinking, you've never said anything equally as offensive. You've been together three years; and this is the worst thing he has ever said to you?
Wow! What a great record!
There is never an excuse for cruelty or hurtful remarks. As adults we must take two things into consideration. The source and intent. It's just that human beings sometimes have bad thoughts and opinions that they don't mean; but you can't control everything that comes out of your mouth. Especially when your judgment has been impaired by the use of a substance, or alcohol.
If he didn't love you for who your are, regardless of your origins; he would not have taken a three-year chunk out of his life to spend with you exclusively.
If he were ashamed of you or looked down on you, he would not share his parents food at their table, or allow you to sleep on their sheets; and enjoy the comforts of their hospitality. All around, you were offered welcome in their home. All was given from his/their hearts; but he spoke out of line to someone who obviously cares very much for him. Therefore; making the sting that much more painful.
Knowing all the most intimate details of his upbringing and background, I say what he said can be easily overlooked as total bunk. What we call in the states, "total smack!"
Drunken bullshit, in more vulgar terms.
Love him for who he is, don't take that nonsense personally.
People don't get as emotional and remorseful for what they've said as he did; if he meant a solitary word of it.
Not to say he is entitled to getaway with it. You have a right to debunk what you've heard, but in a tactful way.
Do as you will, I personally would ignore it.
Have a thicker skin. If it makes you feel better, and you think it may help; let him know that he has said some hurtful things that will take time to wear-off. It is important that you let him know that you realize he didn't mean it; but it helps you to know that he corrects such awful and snobbish opinions. It is because you find them unsavory and out of character. Then, allow this incident to evaporate into thin air. "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone!"
If you can't, then there must be some personal-shame of who you are and where you come from; that you might need to work on. You can't allow hurtful words to penetrate so deeply that are untrue, or said under unusual circumstances. Especially, when they've never been said before; and you were not in the heat of argument. It was not intended as a personal-attack.
You are in your mid to late 20's, and if you haven't aired a snobbish remark? Congratulations!
I think forgiveness is in order, and you can put this all behind you as total rubbish. Love is difficult to find. Working things out is one of the challenges that gives a relationship endurance. It was both the drink and a little snobbishness, but don't be a snob by blowing this too much out of proportion.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 I don't know if you will like my answer :), but, FWIW :
read a great book called " Watching the English " by social anthropologist Kate Fox. It's serious research, but also wickedly funny.
And it fully confimed my impression, as a ( frequent ) foreign visitor of your lovely country, that ALL British people are... well, let's not call them snobs. Not to put necessarily a negative spin on this. Let's say , they are very much class-conscious, class- aware, class mindful.
And how could they not be, I mean , there is an evident grouping in social classes , and subclasses, it's a cinch to spot them , in all they do , wear, say, eat , drink, buy,read etc. If I, as a foreigner, can perceive the difference between a lower- middle habit or behaviour and an upper- middle, a native has a true radar for all the conscious and unconscious sub-sub-divisions.
In many other countries class distinctions are somewhat more fluid, less visible. Like, you may be a duke or a plumber but you'll watch the same news channel on Tv, or drink the same brand of spirits. In UK... but do read that book, it's fun albeit it's social science, I promise.
Now mind you , I don't want to offend any British reader, and I also do NOT imply, that, at the end of the day, UK is not a democratic society, or an inclusive society, or an enlightened one- because IT IS, from a political, institutional,operative point of view. Which is what matters. Just , not from a cultural one (in an anthropological sense , i.e. you guys like your tribes and sub tribes ad sub sub tribes, and they have very different languages, habits and customs ) . And everybody , deep down, is well aware of it. The only difference that, with the complicity of a drink or two, your bf came out and SAID it.
Don't cry. He does not hate that you are from a working class background. He does not disrespect your family nor criticize it. He is not ashamed of dating you and to introduce you to his parents.
Is he aware that you weren't born from the same background ? According Kate Fox, very keenly. Does he notice more the differences than the similarities in your backgrounds, mentality, traditions.... regardless of you having evened out things by getting an even better education than his ? Most probably, yes.
Hey, don't worry. The same must have hold true for Prince William and Kate Middleton, and they are going strong :)
P.S: : Middle class lives in CHELSEA ? I'd be curious to know where he got that info from. I really don't think so - no way that any middle class person nowadays can afford to buy or rent property in Chlsea .. So, after all... maybe he was just VERY drunk !
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 October 2014):
 Drink or no drink, I think he's just a bit stupid over all. To invite you over, then act like a jackass means he has no class. He can blame whatever or whomever for anything but the bottom line is never was taught how to act properly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 October 2014):
 I think if anything that HE feels inferior. And talking these kind of "truths" (to him), shows you a bit of those insecurities of his.
He knows you went to a better school, he knows that you can not stereotype people as easily as he does, but he somehow feels he "should" be better then you. Not sure why, because in this day and age, it's irrelevant for the most parts.
I think, if this continue to nag you, then instead of crying TALK to him. And don't let him use lame excuses to deflect what he is saying, drunk or sober.
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