A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I recently started seeing a therapist because I have issues with my parents at home. I've been verbally abused my whole life and that is why I've decided to seek out a therapist. Last night I had my fist session with my therapist and I told him the nature of my issues and how my parents would tell me i'm fat and ugly.... he sat there in disbelief/interrupted me and told me "Ok I will tell you the truth... you aren't fat, so far from it and you're a beautiful young woman.". My question is... is that appropriate to tell your client? I didn't think therapists were supposed to make comments like that and stay rather neutral? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 February 2013):
 I think after all the years of you being put down you don't really know how to deal with the "truth" as a non abusive person (your therapist) sees it. (and most like most other people who saw/met you sees you).
No, it wasn't inappropriate, it was a compliment to make you see that not everyone sees you as your family does. Your family used the "fat & ugly" to keep you down. Keep you feeling unworthy. He was telling you that that is NOT how reality is.
Now if he had started on a tangent on your bra size your your lovely butt, THAT would have been VERY inappropriate.
Therapists don't stay neutral. If they did they would have a hard time helping anyone. Imagine a girl with sever anorexia (this is just an example) and the therapist tells her she doesn't look skeletal at all, she looks fine... Would that help her deal with it? No. Sometimes a therapist needs to "hold" a mirror in front of you for you to "SEE" and "find" the real you.
My suggestion bring it up next time, and If you STILL feel odd about it or uncomfortable, find yourself a new preferably female therapist.
A
male
reader, Gmmick +, writes (5 February 2013):
I don't think your therapist was saying these uplift compliments as a come on. Simply trying to help you see yourself in a more positive light. Obviously it worked a little since you've deemed his comments as crush worthy. Although if this were to cause some uneasiness for you in future sessions I would suggest seek a new therapistGood luck
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I wouldn't consider it out of line. I think he was trying to dispel the years of emotional turmoil you've been under. I think a better question he could've asked you is if you believe you are ugly or fat and, if so, why you see yourself that way and why do you hold so much value in what others think.
Take his comment at face value. Part of your recovery, I believe, will be taking a comment and accepting its value. For years you've bought the bull that you are worthless and now when someone gives you a compliment, you turn it aside as rubbish and untrue. Once you see this dichotomy, you'll be half way to being whole. You probably are attractive and you have a lot to offer -- if only you believed it.
If you felt that he was coming on to you, however, it would be a good time to find a new therapist -- one that is a woman but going what you've given us I don't think this is the case.
Good luck in your recovery.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2013): I don't think this was inappropriate. To call someone "a beautiful young woman" conveys a sense of generality and also seems to be (in my interpretation) a very third person observation. There's nothing personal in that statement.Perhaps he doesn't know you well enough to know that sort of observation might make you uncomfortable. And idoneitagain is correct...therapy isn't about opinions.However, I admit that the reason I went to therapy on a very basic level was to find another perspective on my problems. When I accept that personal motive, it makes it very easy for me to accept that my therapist will have a personality and their reactions will be colored by their life experience. If they try to convince you of anything, that's out of bounds...if they make an observation, it's not a problem. Personally, I didn't want a therapist who acted like Spock. All that said, it's hard to tell from one session.For what it's worth, when I was your age, I hated any physical attention that might be construed as sexual. Because of past issues with men and probably because of my upbringing, I tended to get very anxious when men complimented me in any way or paid any attention to me in a sexual way. To tell you the truth, I still get a little angry when men leer, but I've learned how to accept a tasteful compliment.His statement might embarrass you or make you uncomfortable, but have you asked yourself why?Is it because your parent's are hyper critical and you've learned to take their impressions so much to heart that no one else's opinion's counts? That's sad, because it's probably true and you are probably a very beautiful young woman.Therapy can be challenging and uncomfortable. If you're up to it, tell him that that statement made you uncomfortable and have a conversation about it, it might be an insightful session and it will give him a clue not to go there in the future.But if you're not ready to confront him about it, I'd recommend asking for a female therapist until you're ready.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 February 2013):
This is both a question of whether it is appropriate, and more importantly in my mind, whether it is good therapy. It is generally difficult to judge comments outside of the context of the therapy session, or to know if what he said was exactly as you have quoted him, but I can say that his response goes against practically any theory or modality of counselling that I can think of. It is basic counselling 101 to not respond in that manner, and certainly not to interrupt you while you are saying something as important as that, it runs completely contrary to the intended therapeutic process and is basically an indication that he is either not a good therapist, or if he is, has some kind of blind spot towards you as a client. General therapeutic practice is not for the therapist to give you his opinion on whether or not he thinks you are ugly and fat in response to what you said, but to explore in a deep way why you might be thinking and feeling that way about yourself. His opinions are not important in the therapeutic process, they hinder the process, and a good therapist won't volunteer their opinions on important issues such as these. As a general rule, that is. A good therapist will never "tell you the truth", his version of the truth is insignificant in the face of your truth, which is what is at the centre of the therapy, and which might not be the same as your truth and therefore actually interfere with the therapy process, once again.
As to it's appropriateness, generally this would be considered inappropriate, but there can be many cases in which this would be appropriate to say. Such a statement would never be sexualised of course and would only be stated in support of the therapeutic process. However, it would practically always be considered inappropriate to make a statement like this in a first session, when no client-therapist relationship has been established. This is another reason why this kind of statement should be considered a red flag.
However, the biggest indicator is your own intuition. Your intuition tells you that you have a feeling that it might have been inappropriate. If your feelings tell you, based on the whole session not just that statement, that you don't feel good about him as a therapist, you should rather seek out one you feel good about. If you feel good about him and were just bothered by this one statement, another good option would be to speak to him about it in your next session. Based on what you have said, if it were me I would probably look for a better therapist, but its not possible to judge in this way, based on a few lines that you have written. You be the judge.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 February 2013):
A comment like that wouldn't normally be considered out of line for just about anyone to say to anyone else, so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt here and continue seeing him until you have a better picture of what he's all about.
If he makes you feel uncomfortable again then leave, even if it's not major. There are too many therapists out there to stay with one that says things you don't want to hear.
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A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (5 February 2013):
 I think he was just try to make you feel better. I wouldn't say hitting on you or acting innappropriate towards you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 February 2013):
 He probably just thought it was what you needed to hear at the moment. I wouldn't say totally inappropriate, but if it made you uncomfortable just find a new therapist.
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