A
female
age
30-35,
*tephanie Davis
writes:Am I in the wrong here or is my ex boyfriend? I invited him to my sisters bbq at her house. When we arrived my sister asked me what I was drinking and if I wanted some wine so she poured me a glass. My boyfriend said he didn't want a drink, I think he got a soft drink instead. Anyway the bbq wasn't even lit yet and people would be coming very soon but my sis and her bf were just focusing on drinking and having a good time (basically they were in that party mood!) which is understandable as they both work hard. My boyfriend then decided to start the bbq and help out. It took a long time but he got there in the end. People started arriving and we're drinking and socialising. Nobody was really too concerned about the food and most of them just picked what they wanted from the bbq. My boyfriend could see that I was drinking, i only had another glass at this point and was fine. I was socializing with everyone. Half way through the bbq when the food had been done, he left the garden where we all were and went into the house and and sat on the couch in the front room. I followed him and asked him if he was ok and he said "yeah I'm fine, carry on with what you were doing" or something along those lines. I felt bad and so stayed with him and he was playing with the 2 children in the front room (kids of my sisters friends). I went back into the kitchen because I wanted to be with the others as well. My sisters boyfriend and his best friend were there and poured me a drink. We are all geminis funny enough so we got into a circle and and put our arms over each other and chanted "gemini gemini" my boyfriend walked past and kept watching what I was drinking and i even tried to hide my glass and he saw me do it and then I started giggling as if it was a joke, he was giving me that look with his eyes! As we went pass the bathroom i told him to come in with me (he was moaning) and we had sex quickly. After we came out, he was telling me how good it felt and smiling then minutes later he said that if he had said no to having sex then I would of kept pushing and pushing till I got a yes. He went back into the front room and said he was tired and happy just playing with the kids. We decided to go home, it would take us about 15 minutes to walk back. I was tispy at this point but as we left he was clearly upset with me and the walk home wasn't very nice. He said that we have to be strong as a couple and when one person is drinking then we are not strong together (I still don't really get what that means) I regret that we should of just sat down and spoken about all this as mature adults and compromised somehow but sometimes you don't realise what you have to do until it's gone and then it's too late!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 March 2016):
 I have followed your posts, and they are all surrounded by you drinking. You say you hid your glass from him? Why? Secretive drinking really is a big problem. Yes it is okay to have a drink, but when we start hiding it we are lying to those around us, and ourselves.
Look he is your ex, you are both finished now so you should concentrate on getting over him and getting on with your life.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2016):
 It seems , also from your previous questions on the same subject, that you are really keen to find somebody to blame, either your ex or even yourself, but there HAS to be a culprit, someone who did it all wrong.
I do not think it may be so clear cut, and I do not think , in fact, it's really a matter of " right " or " wrong " : Just a matter of being two persons with incompatible habits and lifestyles. Your ex has got his dealbreakers, one of which is not wanting to date a drinker, or to be precise, a " feisty " drinker, someone who gets loud, "cheeky ", argumentative, too talkative, giggly, etc.etc.
Now, I kmow that you probably want to just be told again what some Aunts told you already : yeah, he is a bastard, he's controlling, he's nevrotic, he's uptight...
( Btw, it does sounds like you had other problems in the couple beside the drinking, so probably that you split up is for the best , you'll find someone who is more compatible with you ).
But that's a bit too easy and ingenerous. Same as there's no law that says you can't drink what you want when you want, there is no law that says that he has to LIKE the kind of person you become with a few drinks inside you.
It is obvious that you do not see this as a problem, in fact you have a hard time understanding how this could even be a problem. As long as you do not get sick in public, or you do not pass out , right ?..
Wrong.
Obviously your family, your friends, your environment, you location support the habits you have and the behaviours you display, filing them with a smile all under " girls just want to have fun ". But be aware that this too is not an universal law of how people SHOULD feel .
Many people ( and boyfriends, of course ) would shrug your antics off , or in fact find them cute, funny, adorable.
But many others, even if maybe not that many within your social circle, would feel very embarassed or annoyed or turned off. ( For instance you would not have much game in my country - although not an abstemious country, with all that wine !, there's very little tolerance for
" exuberant " drinkers like you; the drinking culture , lifestyle and rituals are different from yours ).
The funny thing, though, is that I lived in Dublin for a while many years ago- a place where surely they do like a glass or two , particularly over the weekend! - and there too, I could notice it was the same thing. Some men would not mind or notice if the women in their company were a bit out of control, and would laugh it off - but quite as many others would instead get clearly pissed off and row about it.
So, it's not really your " fault " if you do not handle drinks that well , but still choose to drink. I suppose that , as long as it does not affect your phisycal or mental health , and you do not become violent !, it 's all harmless innocuous fun.
Just do not demand or expect that what is fun for you MUST be fun and endearing to otehr people too. Some people
( apparently including your bf ) just don't get this kind of fun, they don't " do " fun this way.
Why putting blame and pointing fingers ? Obviously you and your ex have a widely different way to enjoy your leisure time, and a widely different idea of social boundaries , of what " it's not done ". And that always make a relationship very difficult, if not impossible, to carry on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 March 2016):
 Did he grow up with alcoholic parents?
I think it's besides the point in who is "wrong" and who is "right" here.
I see nothing WRONG in having a glass of wine or two at a BBQ, and I see nothing wrong in NOT having a drink at all.
I do think it was more about YOUR ability to socialize and his own inability for the same. I think he felt out of place, awkward and he didn't like watching his GF having fun. If you only had a couple of drinks (and you don't have an issue with alcohol in general) I don't see the big deal.
He CHOSE to ISOLATE himself at the BBQ, first behind the grill and then inside. Making you having to CHOSE to follow him inside and stop socializing.
So my guess is he was insecure in the relationship. Afraid that you when drinking might go look for a "better" guy.
Being a teetotaler is fine. Some people just don't drink for various reasons (such as having watched alcoholic parents or family members growing up, religious reasons, medical reasons) but.... There is a fine line between not wanting to drink alcohol himself and then expecting YOU to do what HE wants/expects.
Again, it seems a little pointless as you two are no longer together.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (9 March 2016):
It appears your boyfriend doesn't care for seeing his girl tipsy. Unless you have a problem with alcohol then that is really his problem.
Here is the thing though - if it upset him this time it's going to upset him in the future too. I can see this potentially causing all kinds of issues for the relationship in the future. Might be best to evaluate things now - are you willing to either abstain in the future or deal with his attitude if you decide to party a bit?
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