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Was it cheating or just acting? And should I tell my husband, or let him think that Jim was wearing underwear?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 June 2009) 5 Answers - (Newest, 29 June 2009)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I need some advice, both to make myself feel OK, and what to tell my husband.

My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, we have 3 kids together. I have some college, but never finished (kids). My husband has an extremely good job, and I don't need to work, however, so I don't get bored, I take college classes now and then, when our youngest starts school full-time, I'm going to finish and get my degree. I like teaching, but I also like the arts and acting, etc.. So I've been taking a lot of classes over the past few years, photography, arts, and drama.

I'm in a summer acting class, which is an advanced class, it's the 3rd class in drama that I've taken. Our professor took us down the road of what it's like to do love/sex/nude scenes. Sometimes the actor or actress or both are married or in a relationship, and how to deal with jealousy, and sometimes they're not, and they end up in a relationship, etc... How hard it is for actors/actresses to be in a marriage or relationship due to all the sex/nudity that are in films nowadays.

We got an assignment to pair up and do a love scene on our own and record it, then write 3 papers about the experience, 1 from each actor/actress, and 1 joint paper about how it felt to 'pretend' to have a love scene, dealing with insecurities, and dealing with potentially jealous husband/wives, or if single, gf's or bf's.

I got paired up with Jim, and we drew an oral sex scene (it was random), the professor said we could do like 90210 and be in a pickup truck, the actor makes noises and the actress sits up and everyone assumes what happened. Or, we could do a more seductive scene in a bedroom with the camera behind the actress or have the lights go off, and leave it up to the audience's imagination, this is all part of acting and 'fooling' the public into thinking something really happens.

I talked to my husband, and I expected him to be very upset and forbid me to do this, but he was actually very supportive. He said it is probably a good lesson, look how many actors and actresses break up because they let the acting turn into something more then they break up their marriage.

Jim and I went to a set stage at school, and put the camera on, I didn't want anyone to watch the scene, so we just did a general wide scene shot of the whole set. Jim was going to wear tan underwear so it looks like he was naked and we were going to pretend we were a couple and do the scene in the bed (I didn't want to do the car/truck thing, I think that would come off as trashy). We started the scene by kissing, boy did that feel strange to kiss another man after 10 years with only my husband. I started kissing down his chest and put my hands under the sheet, figuring I would rub his legs or his underwear to make it look real.

He wasn't wearing anything. I touched his penis. I was shocked and was going to stop, but Jim whispered it's more realistic this way let's finish the scene. I figured that was better than stopping and having to do the whole scene again, or just not doing it and failing that part of the class. I kissed him lower and lower and I guess my hand kept touching his penis and balls a little. My mouth only got about 2 inches away from 'him', and he 'pretended' to finish and we ended the scene. I feel like I did something wrong. I know it's only acting, but I think my husband would be very upset and furious if he knew just how far this actually went.

Did I do something wrong? Was it cheating or just acting? And should I tell my husband, or let him think that Jim was wearing underwear?

View related questions: jealous, kissing, oral sex, underwear

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009):

you know you did somerhing wrong. it was not acting and you know it. your hb trusted you and you let him down. in fact you f8cked up. you knew what you were doing yet you continued to do this with your co conspirator. you want to make yourself feel better/ well darling , what do you want me to tell you? that i is ok to feel another mans penis and balls in your hand? then i will be a bigger fake than you are. you sound like a bored housewife maybe you need to start "acting" like a married woman, that is if you can act, oh, but wait you can, you certainly had your fair share of acting recently. your poor hb, so supportive and so naive thinking that his wife was a professional. why not get a real job and quit the acting. after all there is no oscar waiting for you, a possible divorce in the near future for your oscar performance with Jim.

"Did I do something wrong?" stop the acting now and quit the drama for goodness sake. you know exactly what you were up to. as for hubby he will catch on to you pretty soon. but then i am hoping another woman will be feeling up his privates. after all, you did nothing wrong, did you!

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A male reader, mytwocents United States +, writes (29 June 2009):

mytwocents agony auntWhen it comes to cheating, INTENTION is everything.

Let’s imagine a ridiculous example for a minute: you get all dressed up one night, go out to a bar hoping to meet a guy, meet one, talk him up, and leave for a motel room with him. But, nothing happens because he gets arrested on the way there on an outstanding warrant. Did you cheat? After all, nothing happened. Of course you did--you had every INTENTION of doing it.

If, on the other hand, you innocently (truly) did an assignment in a class--with the approval of your partner--and that assignment involved incidental contact, it’s not cheating. You never intended to “cheat.” You didn't escalate the situation. That your partner left his underwear off doesn’t make it any worse. His intentions were probably pretty innocent too.

There is one caveat, though. Did you MASSAGE his penis and balls or just accidentally "bump" them a few times? WAS it just the incidental contact of acting in the scene. Are you perhaps feeling guilty because you started some INTENTIONAL sexual contact? It doesn't sound like it, but those are questions to ask yourself.

Or are you just feeling a little guilty because you got a little aroused doing something innocent? While that may be a little upsetting, it's pretty understandable after 10 years of marriage. If it's only that, don't bother telling your husband and move on with your life.

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A female reader, betty_black United Kingdom +, writes (29 June 2009):

betty_black agony auntI dont think there is any need to cause a fire when theres no ignition. Your acting, not cheating and what you did is something many actors and actresses have to do every day, its only normal. Your husband was supportive of it and so i dont think you really need to go into details, im sure he's aware of what a sex scene would entail you doing. You didnt actually do anything, or have any intention of it so dont even bother. It was just drama, pure and simple drama.

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A male reader, holikdad United States +, writes (29 June 2009):

Wow, I don't think I've ever heard a story like this before.

I think Jim was trying to get a free Feelskee, since the camera was not on his lap he could have easily worn the tan underwear that you spoke about.

I would of slapped the crap out of him if I was you and informed the teacher about his inappropriate actions.

I certainly wouldn't have continued fondling his private parts.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009):

Well.. If it were me, I would have not done any of this class whatsoever. I would not put myself in a situation with another man for a grade, money or any reason.

But i'm a little more conservative than most peopel appreciate.

Quite frankly, I don't think you should tell him. It was not right of your partner to xnay the underwear without confronting you first. You told your husband what you had planned with the man, told him the scene and what had to be done and he was supportive, therefpr you did not cheat on him in my opinion. I believe if you had gone behind his back and done this because you knew he would disapprove, then that would have been crossing your boundaries.

The fact that he didn't wear underwear is not your fault, and there was nothing you could do about it. You probably should not have put your hand directly on his penis however, when you went to reach down, and you should've tried harder to keep from touching any part of it again. But this is not something that should eat away at you, your husband and your marraige. And i think to tell him would just cause unnecessary argueing and/or jealousy.

That's only my opinion though.

~Sy.

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