A
female
age
,
*ralee
writes:Help someone,Thanks you to all who help here.My mom died.three years ago.My sister and I went.through boxes of things that belonged to mom....I have some China which will help me to remember my mom.My brother and his wife split a decade ago.He had two children by this union and I stay in touch with his first wife....she is the.mother of my niece and nephew and the split has tough consequences on his two children....they are both in their twenties now.My brother has since married again,has an infant son now and he just turmed 63....wife thirty.years younger...he is a successful professional.same old same.old.I have promised some of moms china to.my brothers first wife and I am being accused of disloyalty by both my siblings.My brother was married to first wife and my friend for thirty years...she knew my mom well and told me she never had a way to say goodbye.....just thought it would be nice to offer her some china.Does this seem so terrible?Just wondering.....
View related questions:
ex-wife Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Kate1967 +, writes (16 March 2016):
It would be nice to give the ex sister-in-law something to remember your Mom by. Get it for yourself and pass it on to her and not tell them if you have to. After all, she is the mother of the grandkids and was involved for 30 years. Just because a couple splits does not have to destroy all family ties.
The others need to lighten up.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (16 March 2016):
 In your heart of hearts, what do you think mum would have liked? If the china had significance to those that complain, I figure it would have been out of the box and on display some time ago.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2016): You can give whomever you want whatever you wish, as long as it's legally yours to giveaway. Your brother has no right to place the burden of you choosing sides when the woman happens to be the mother of his children! The connection was broken between the two of them;and that has no bearing on your continued friendship. You didn't divorce her. Nor does it make you disloyal to love them all. He's using you as a pawn to get back at her. Don't allow this.
In fact, it makes you a very caring, generous, and loving human being. Never allow anyone to stand in the way of that.
I'm really not sure why you felt compelled to write, when you're an adult and capable of making any decision you like.
You cannot yield to the bitterness and meanness they've decided to hold against you and your friend/ex-sister-in-law. If she raked him over the coals during the divorce; his feelings may carry some scorn for her, but he cannot extend his ill-will through other people in the family.
Give her the china. Speak no more of it. Your continued friendship with her isn't contingent on giving her china anyway. Heirloom or not, it's up to you what you wish to share with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 March 2016):
 It's china not family heirlooms, I presume.
I think some people get VERY petty after the death of a loved one, and instead of understanding that THINGS can never replaced a loved one they somehow seem to focus on materialistic stuff, money and possessing "things".
It's been 3 years and NO ONE asked for that china, but now that someone else got it - everyone is up in arms. It is Ming dynasty, Waterford, Royal Copenhagen ? Or is it a more obscure brand? I CAN see that someone in the immediate family might have liked the dinner set as a reminder of your mom. And I DO think it would have been a good idea for you to ASK your siblings before giving it away - specially if it's rare or expensive. Some people rather keep those items in the immediate family.
But it the "deed" is done, I'd sit them down and explain why you felt it was the "right" thing to do. And tell them both to GET A GRIP - it's china, not their "birthright in a box".
Sometimes the WORST comes out in people over stuff that REALLY isn't theirs. You mother's things were HERS. IF you felt your mother would have appreciated that the EX-SIL got some items, then GO for it.
I'm sure both your sister and brother got "things" to remember their mother by, that she left more than china behind.
I'd let it go, and let them be petty.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 March 2016):
 Having just gone through clearing out my parents’ house not that long ago, I’ve learned sadly that young people just don’t want old china.
It would have been very helpful had they done a bit more work specifying who got what, but I guess very old people don’t do that as often as one might think.
If the boxes held nothing but china and there was very little left to remember her by, then perhaps another tack to take is to split it up evenly between your Mother’s children’s children. Obviously your Mother never met the new grandson, but wouldn’t she have wanted her grandchildren to have equal shares in her things?
From your post, it’s pretty clear you disapprove of the split and your brother’s new wife, so perhaps that is playing out here. The brother and new wife have something they can point out as something disrespectful and so are taking it on.
I’d go back to what your Mother intended. Did she want to offer something to her former daughter-in-law? Would she have wanted her family to make sure that happened?
It comes down a bit to what was left by your Mother. If all she had was boxes of china, then there does need to be some very equitable distribution of that, based on your mother’s wishes. If it’s just a tiny bit of a larger estate, then perhaps another way to approach it is to split it up by the family units, including your adult niece and nephew, and then engineer it so that their mother is the keeper of that china until she is gone and it’s passed on again to her children.
It certainly sounds like a lot of family grudges now popping up.
Are you the executrix of her estate?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 March 2016):
 If you're the executrix of your Mom's estate.... and, if you believe that the ex- rather covets something of and from her ex-M-I-Law (even moreso than your siblings might) ..... then pass the stuff along to her, and turn a deaf ear to whatever siblings might have to say....
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2016):
 Well this all really depends on who the China belongs to now, was it left in a will to you? If it was then well it is up to you if you want to give it away. But if it was left to you and your siblings, well then you are not the only one to have a say in this, and if they disagree well then that is their choice.
I can understand that you thought this was a lovely gesture, and it shows you are a kind natured lady, however in my opinion it might be best to keep your mothers china in the family. Maybe even pass some on to her grandchildren?
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 March 2016):
 I have been through similar dilemma with the passing of my parents. It is a very "tricky" and delicate subject. Here's what I would do if I was in your shoes. Assuming you are still on good terms wit your brother(if you are not then it's a different situation. It sounds like you probably stay on good terms with everyone. I'd call the brother and say something like; "Hey brother I was wanting to bounce something off you. A long time ago, I promised(fill-in-the-name) that I'd see to it that when mom passed I'd give her few pieces of mom's chine to have in memory of her life. I just wanted to make sure you were OK with me fulfilling that promise?"
...............................
|
