A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:hi i recently asked a question about whether i had a right to be upset at what my boyfriend said about his exheres the link here for background infohttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-i-have-a-right-to-be-upset.htmlanyways, we had a chat and he said he was just being honest and if we work on it together our sex life would hopefully improve. So a few days ago we started to get intimate but im really nervous about touching him because what he said about his ex really knocked my confidence and obviously what i have done to him in the past was not what he wanted. so we were kissing and he was touching me and i asked him to tell me what he wanted or show me. I figured that if he told me or even guided me with his hand for a bit then i would see what he wanted and could carry on without him and please him. However, he stopped kissing me and sighed and when i asked him what was wrong, he said it was a turn off being asked that and it should come naturally. Also it was a turn off because he doesnt know exactly what he wants, he just wants to be touched. He then moved away and i apologised and explained why I said it and he said we need to sit down and have a talk about sex. he then put his arm around me and went to sleep whilst i led there feeling like utter shit and actually started crying a bit becuase i just feel utterly useless.I want to please him but i cant - obviously what i have done in the past hasnt turned him on, he then compares me to his ex and said things were better sex wise with her so my confidence takes a huge knock and then to top it all off when i ask him to tell me/show me what he wants he says its a turn off.was i wrong or stupid to ask him to show/tell me? is that not what i was supposed to do?to be honest, i personally thought it would be better and easier to tell eachother and show eachother what we want as we are doing it rather than sitting down and talking about it over a cup of tea and scones? Also, if he doesnt know what he wants, how the hell am i meant to figure it out??
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confidence, his ex, kissing, sex life Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Tremor  + ♥, writes (19 June 2008):
 Of course you didn't do the wrong thing!
Sex is not naturally perfect - you're not going to know what your partner likes unless you ask him. You aren't a mind reader, so how else are you going to find out?
Honestly, it sounds to me like your boyfriend is a bit of a knob. It seems like he's expecting you to be a sex goddess first time, every time, which just doesn't happen. And what is he doing comparing you to his ex? There's no better way to knock a girl's confidence, and when you feel crap about yourself, there's no way you're going to be able to please him either.
Talk to him about all this - perhaps the tea and scones route is the one you'll have to take. As DiovanLestat has said, tell him how you feel, and then leave the ball in his court.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, troubledtoomuch  + ♥, writes (18 June 2008):
 I think what you did was perfectly fine. My wife and I often talk about what we want to do during sex. Like what position is next or does she want me to use a vibrator this time or when does she want me to stop the foreplay and go to oral or whatever. We have been together for many years, so we do know what the other likes most of the time without any words being spoken. We do plan some things in advance, but those are things that we have read about and want to try. We use whatever method makes the best sense.
The next thing is he should not be comparing you to his ex. I have never done that. My wife and I have discussed things that we have done with our exes that we liked and would like to try, but only after we were comfortable with our sex together. It was a long time ago, but I think it was after a couple of years at least that we did that. My wife knew that a couple of girlfriends were better at something than she was and I knew that a couple of her boyfriends were better at something than I was. We learned to be better lovers from that knowledge. However, we both let the other know that we enjoyed sex with each other more than we had with anyone else. It was not a lie. It was true because we loved each other more than we had anyone else. He should be happy with the sex that you give him and be willing to help you improve by talking and guiding you. One of my ex girlfriends told me what to do and taught me some things and I appreciated her guidance. However, it looks like he needs much more instruction in how to be a good lover than you do. He is falling very short.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (18 June 2008):
 Idiot, idiot, idiot. He's behaving like a child instead of a mature adult. You've done nothing wrong the fault is all his. You could try the scones and tea discussion when you tell him how you feel and leave the emphasis on him to appologise and tell you what he intends to do to make you feel better.
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