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Was I wrong not to thank the ex who agreed we would go “no contact” for the flowers?

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 June 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So, my ex fiancé sent me flowers Monday, about a year ago he left me for his ex that he was stuck on. I knew something was wrong but he never admitted it.

When she rejected him when he went back home he tired to get back with me. I flat out ignored him he then started to stalk me by leaving gifts on my car and then he started to show up to my job a lot. About six month ago he moved to another country he is in the military.

The last time him and I spoke we both agreed to never contact each other again. And I told him I hated him which was months ago, I’ve been doing well he knows anytime anyone does something for me I say thank you. I’m just that type of person but I never want to speak to him again.

He sent them and I never said anything I think it is unfair that he’s doing this because It’s a way to force someone to talk to you. I’ve blocked him and everything he has no reason to send me flowers. I feel bad but I want to close the door with him forever was I wrong to not say thank you?

View related questions: flowers, his ex, military, my ex

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (23 June 2018):

CindyCares agony auntNo, you were right. No contact means no contact, and sending flowers or gifts is clearly an attempt to force you to reestablish contact. Thanking him for the flowers would mean rewarding him for breaking your agreement.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (22 June 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are completely right to ignore him. It doesn't mean you are an ungrateful person, its just he is boarder line stalking you and if you say thank you it will just entice him to keep on doing so. The best thing to do is to keep him blocked and ignore him. If he shows you any more unwanted attention write down the dates and times and report him for harassment.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (22 June 2018):

Ciar agony auntAnother vote for the 'no' camp.

Any time you feel guilty, just remember, if things had worked out wonderfully with his ex, you wouldn't even exist to him.

Stay the course.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 June 2018):

Honeypie agony auntNope, you are definitely not wrong. Toss the flower and keep moving on. You don't OWE him a thank you for a gift you never wanted.

The dude might have thought that flowers fix everything but YOU know it doesn't.

He might have sent them because he knows he was an ass to you or it's just another attempt to manipulate you, like with the stalking. I would presume the latter because it fits his previous behavior and there was NO REASON for him to send you flowers.

If he tries ANYTHING else, GO to the police. Even if nothing of this has been threatening most police knows that stalking is a form of insidious harassment. The police might contact him through his unit. His CO will deal with it on their end. It will probably be no more than a warning, so don't FEEL bad for reporting it. It will also show his behavior IF he tries contact again, it will BE there on black and white.

I think the ONLY way to make this stop is to SHOW him (by no contact and if it happens again, going to the police). Enough is enough, OP

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia +, writes (22 June 2018):

holeymoley agony auntYou should not feel bad at at-he should. Treating you second fiddle was bad enough and now he is just trying to emotionally manipulate your good nature. I wouldn't think nothing more of it or him.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (22 June 2018):

N91 agony auntNope. You agreed no contact.

He’s a manipulating slimeball. Don’t forget that he left you for another woman and tried to come back to you when she didn’t want him. He’s not worth a single breath.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (22 June 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhile your good manners are to be applauded, in my book you should only say "thank you" for something which is welcome. The creepy attention from your ex is NOT welcome, so don't encourage it by reacting in any way. Just completely blank him.

The stalking would worry me. If he carries on with this behaviour when he returns, you really need to report it to the police. Just reading about his behaviour makes me uneasy. Remember, the vast majority of attacks on women are carried out by men they know. Don't become another statistic. Stay safe.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018):

You were absolutely right to stay mum. However; he knows you. He is counting-down the days until you break, and respond. Don't give him the satisfaction!

Flowers wilt. He's playing on your emotions.

Be strong! He left you for someone else; and now he wants you back as his second-choice. The consolation-prize, or Plan-B; because the other deal fell-through.

It's not you he wants; he wants to repair his crushed ego, and save face in-front of everybody who knows he dumped you for somebody else. That is totally humiliating. Yet you got a sweet-dose of justice. She dumped him!

Consider the flowers an olive branch and peace-offering signifying the last time you'll ever acknowledge him.

No response is warranted. Save your good-manners for someone more deserving. Call the cops if he keeps cropping-up at your job. That's the kind of personal-stuff employers don't care for employees bringing to work. It's threatening to the safety of other employees; and could be a huge liability, if he goes over the edge.

The stalking must STOP! It's not romantic. It's creepy!

His persistence is neither love, nor regret. It's telling you he dumps you, not the other way around!

This has to stop!

You can contact his commanding-officer, or the military police; and report his persistence at bothering you. He's active duty; and the military doesn't allow him to harass civilians. A man in uniform isn't suppose to behave like he is. It's not love; so don't get confused.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (22 June 2018):

YouWish agony auntNope, you're not wrong. No contact means no contact! If he sends you flowers, the ONLY best response is static.

If you feel yourself wavering, remember that he left you for an ex. I guarantee that if he's trying to contact YOU, there's a new girl he's treating just like he once treated you. You're just now playing the ex's role in his immaturity and cheating, because you're now the ex.

You're right to stay "No contact" because you don't need his game any more than you need him.

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