A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:We had our work post Christmas party last week, at a restaurant. I arrived slightly late but a few people came after me.I'm older than 80%-90% of my colleagues, didn't bring a partner, (as I have none) and I have a little bit of social anxiety, and am shyer in big groups, so.. I was a bit nervous.I'm sure I'm known as quiet but am not bullied, and always am polite, (ie always say hi when I come into work etc) and.. I am friendier one to one, in a group I tend to shut down, and always have since i was a child. I go to work, (average worker, nothing special) do my work, I work in a hospital, so its VERY differet to an office, and very cliquey, and I try my best, but im shy.ppl at work dont understand how hard it is for me in groups sometiems, not always. As I walked in I said a general "hi" to the few that were there, and then as I was eating vegetarian that night, I was told to sit at the vegetarian table, I did, no one else was there yet, so I waited for some other people who were sitting with me. My work is quite cliquey and some people came in passed my table not saying hi and went to their buddies, hugging and all over each other, it was a bit intimidating for me to go over to tables full of cliques as the night went on and we ate our food. Some people , young 20 something cliquey managers included didnt say hi. I am worried what they may think of me when I go back to work next week. I am on leave this week, as I didnt go over specifically to the table, and say hi but neither did they come to me.. Yes I should have maybe but it was too much..I spoke to a few people, listened and chipped in the converastion at times, but was generally quieter as groups are intimidating for me.I said hi to my boss, she gave ne a brief hug, as she did everyone, but I didnt really speak to her, as she is the number one clique member,and was chatty wth everyone. how can I redeem myself with the young managers that I didnt speak to, what if I am gossiped about?Need advice. Im older, and I do say hi and bye, am polite, and do my work and speak one to one but am not in the clique, which is Ok but... I dont want ppl to think Im weird, do I go back to work and be polite Im scared they may..say "she just sat there" but some of them made no effort and talked around me! one young manager walked right by me..even glancing my way slightly.. I did talk to a few ppl but found it qyuiet intimiadating, dont want to be the subject of hate.but.. it was a busy night, big group etc..it was a work Christmas party with partners and wine, I dont drink, im older than most colleagues, Im in my 30s,them 20s. THis one especially popular young manager looked in my direction a few times, she was sitting with her cliuque and im sure she was judging me.. and I almost waved at her but them she would look away, very cliquey, but one to one shes ok..? do I say hi to her when I see her and ask about the party? genuine advice much appreciated thnks sorry for length, please please need some advice, I dont dislike them but do have to work with them.
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at work, bullied, christmas, my boss, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 January 2013):
 The key for me is in the beginning of your post.
You say you have social anxiety. they make medication for this now... speak to a professional about some meds and therapy if you think it's called for. I think once you deal with your anxiety you will be able to cope better.
I'm in my 50s. My HUSBAND is in his 30s for a few more months... we get along just fine. It's not about the age.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): I agree with other posters. You are way over thinking it. Though age difference is not that big, but still, it's significant. I m in my mid 40s, my daughter is 26. She lives in a different state. I visit her twice a year, and usually we interact somehow with her friends. Some of her friends are in their 30s, because her boyfriend is 32. Some of them even in their late 30s, like 37-38, which really makes it just a few years difference between us. I look very young for age, but they know I'm her mother, and the way they talk to me, it's Ike they are talking to a teacher. Which is really funny to me, as I have friends who are 10-15 years younger than me.If there is such a big difference between you and other people in your company, that could be a fact that they don't consider you to be a part of the group. But then again, do YOU want to hang out with a bunch of 20 years old. What do they know anyway about good manners? To put you at the separate table, and just make you sit there by yourself? The only thing that I think happened is that didn't put too much thought into it, and it was not malicious.Office gossips are unavoidable. You don't have to be a part of it. The important thing that you like your job, and you want to be there. I'm sure they already forgot about that party, the attention span of 20 years olds are not that long. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 OP, why should we tell you to leave your job, you haven't done anything wrong. And, basically, neither did they ,although, sure, it would have been nicer if everybody had done more of an effort to make everybody else feel included and at ease, but, you know how it goes with this big social does with a lot of people in a public place, people go around casually and do their thing amidst crowds and distractions, the personalized attention is something more expectable from the hosts of a smaller house party.
You are way, way overthinking this, I bet all you want your colleagues are NOT talking about you, or making fun of you. First , because they have seen you at work, they sort of know you, they have seen that you are shy and reserved, they sure weren't expecting you to dance on tables and being the life of the party. Second, you did NOT just sat there, you smiled, were polite, greeted, hugged the boss, listen to the conversation and chimed in occasionally, all perfectly normal. Third, frankly, because they don't particularly care either way, I am sure that they have other things on their mind than spying your behaviour, you are not even that close regardless, they are just people you happen to work with and have superficial contacts with, they are putting their energy neither in loving you to bits nor in hating you and ridiculing you, since the formal nature of your relationships .
Relax, I think the only one who magnifies the relevance of some details is you. The age difference ? Come on, you are a young 30something, they way you talk one would think that you are on the verge of retirement, when in fact you are 30 they are 20, big deal. They may have less things in common with you than with other 20 something,true, but be sure that they don't see you like a dynosaur. The cliques ? ah well, most work places tend to be cliquish, it's not necessarily such a bad thing, if you don't feel like making efforts to socialize more and be accepted in the clique , you can just ignore them and let them be ( as long as they are respectful and polite )... or, create your own clique of shy people :). Being shy is not a crime, - and you are doing the best you can to be social .
Tbh, seen how partecipating to a group event sends you in overdrive and takes your peace of mind away, your social anxiety may be more than just " a touch ", so you may want to consider seeing counselling if you find your issues interfere a lot with your daily functioning, and, mostly, your happiness. Otherwise , you can simply just skip the ordeal of big gatherings and carry on your interactions on a smaller scale.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I don't really understand the concept of vacating the veggies to another table.I'm a vegetarian and i'm fine with sitting with meat eaters, as long as they don't feel the need to launch chicken nuggets at me across the table.I'm sure your colleagues are aware that they're not school children and mature enough to understand that some people prefer to keep to themselves.If you're quiet in work i'm pretty sure nobody was expecting you to jump up on the table and greet everyone.I think your paranoia is getting the better of you, you don't like big groups, it's not your fault, they didn't make the effort to come over to you, so there shouldn't be any gossip.Nobody is going to hate you for it.Whoever came up with the separation part is to blame, stupid idea.If you speak to your manager about the party just say
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): The turmoil you felt during the works party and how you feel now are symptoms of your low self esteem/confidence. Have you ever thought about trying confidence building classes or assertiveness training? It can be fun and you will reap rewards. I would advise you to seek such classes in your area and give them a try. Don`t be afraid to try them, remember EVERYONE there will be feeling exactly as you do! When you go back into work just try and get back into your normal routine without mentioning the party. As you have been off work I am sure they have already dissected the party and moved on to other things by now. So try not to worry too much, just look into some classes to take in your spare time. And IF you do attend any, don`t tell the folk at work. It is your business, they don`t need to know. All the best.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (9 January 2013):
 You really need to stop worrying about how you came across and what you can do now. I actually think that they were really rude not to come talk to you, especially if you made an effort to try and join in the conversation when you could. I'm sure they have realised by now that you're shy, not rude and as you say it was a busy night so they probably have plenty of other things to talk about than the fact that you were quiet. Don't stress yourself out over this, you haven't done anything wrong & I think when you go back to work you'll see you had nothing to worry about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): this is the original poster
sorry for the spelling errors, very bad keyboard, please no nasty replies, I dont need any nasty judgments, please. I know I can try harder but I try my best but have always been awkward in groups, esp cliquey ones, as are many ppl! and.. no Im not leaving my job! I like and need it,(and like most ppl there,) dont say that!
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