A
female
age
41-50,
*immeansers
writes:i started seeing my bf last june. we both work for the government and there is a strict non fraternization policy so we keep it on the DL. i have been 2 LTR's and do not have a lot of experience playing the field. but i really liked this guy so i was like what the heck im gonna go for it. we continued to see eachother, i never asked him if we were exclusive, i ddnt want to be too pushy. i should have asked because we were sleeping together, but i ddnt. i am a very loyal person so of course he was it for me. fast forward to thanksgiving this year: he asked me to be his "girlfriend" on this day. mind u we have already been dating for about eleven months. life is good. he is my dream man. he is always asking about marriage and having kids with me. on the last day of january i was terminated from my employment because i sustained a debilitating knee injury and was not able to recover in the given amount of time. yay for me, now we dont have to hide anymore right? next chapter: there is this girl who he knows, she is obsessed with him.they met during softaball season in 2009 and became friends. when we first started sleeping together she came over one morning and was banging on his front door while we were naked in his bed, he locked the door and ddnt answer. i had heard about this girl, pep said they were dating. i asked him straight up, he said no, she wants to be with me but i dont want her that way and she knows it. ok so we continue to hook up, we have alot of fun together, its too good to be true......ok back to when i got terminated. from my employment. so this girl continues to stalk him regularly. i stay at his house every night and she txts him all crazy like every time she sees my car there, which is every morning. so the day after i get fired i am sitting with a new friend i made in this town browsing facebook. i have never met this girl before or seen her in real life. i am curious about her so i look her up on fb. turns out she is really fat and ugly.(shallow i know, im srry but its true!) i am surprised he even wasted any time hanging out with her to begin with when he had me. moving on, so the day after i get fired i go to her profile which is locked but it has a profile pic. on this day there is a sonogram instead of her regular pic she usually has. im like "omg" to my friend sitting next to me. "oh" she says u know whose it is right? then she tells me the worst news of my life. **** is prego and she has told the entire town it is ****'s baby. (my guy's baby) i am the only person who ddnt know. i am devastated because she is far enough along to have a sonogram which means if it is in fact his that he was sleeping with both of us at the same time. as i stated earlier we didnt have the "exclusive" conversation persay but he was talking like we were an item so i ddnt push it. then 12 days after i find this out she comes to my house trying to start a fight with me. she tells me she has had sex with him since she found out she was prego, which was in november, among other nightmarish claims such as them messing around the day after new years. she told me he still has sex with his ex wife.i realize that she is somewhat biased because she wants me to dump him so she can try to get to him. he of course emphatically denied everything she told me. he has since gotten a restraining order against her because she tried to start so many problems for him. we are still together but i do not trust him anymore. anytime he gets days off he leaves town.To go where? whether its staying with his ex wife to visit his son or going down south to visit his parents or to garden city to rope with his friends and bar hop. Who knows what he's doing?oh and when he leaves he doesnt call me at all while hes gone like i suddenly do not exist. im having a hard time with all of this. please help me. i am a very objective person and am trying to see both sides of this. im from northern california and some days i just want to leave and not look back. i love him but i don't know how much more i can take. its my birthday tomorrow and we had plans to go do something as soon as he had days off. he just told me that he works 10 days in a row then hes leaving again to go down south for his 4 days off,that is it! this morning i told him what was up, he got all mad like he had a right to get mad at me? yeah right, i'm not even trying to hear that rubbish. i told myself if he blew me off one more time that would be the last, and so here we are. please please i need an objective opinion!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): This whole thing is such a mess I would just get out of it and save yourself the emotional pain and recover from what has already transpired. His trust is gone and now he probably and more than likely ha sa baby with another woman. You dont deserve that as youre looking for exclusiveness and thatll be hard to deal with when that woman will always be in the picture cause of the child. Good luck on this.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 March 2011):
 you have been well and truly duped by a complete utter cad. This man could not be faithful even if put into a straight jacket in a padded room.
How arrogant that he thought he could ever get away with it? Not for him? He'll probably be unfaithfull all his life. Telling nice girls what they want to hear.
Yes he is a player. Go to profile of
Anonymousmale123 as i think he is the Uncle with the best article on how to spot a player.
Just for ease of discussion i am going to designate your boyfriend as 'Puny' as it's a short descriptive word. Hope that is OK with you.
You are way too good for Puny.
Yes, i know you loved Puny and it all seemed so good. But Puny is 'too good to be true' because Puny is a well practised LIAR. He has to compartmentalize his life just to keep his women (plural) from comparing notes. You can bet his wife, his pregnant girlfriend, and you are not his only dalliances.
It is probably because you had to keep your relationship secret due to the NoFratenizing rule that you did not learn about this other woman's hook ups with him. Puny has indeed been duplicity itself.
But for the NoFrantenizing rule i am sure someone would have told you earlier. Certainly the poor pregnant girl knew. Sad for her too. Her life will be tough. She should not ever blame you. Puny knew exactly the score, but kept the truth to himself.
Yes you do need to get away from Puny, permanently. And never listen to his lies again.
Try not to see this as sad. What Puny has done is wake you up to how to 'qualify' men in future before they get to date you and before they put one finger on you
First your knee - get that checked out, see if swimming will help strengthen it. It's horrible to have an injury. Try some temporary strategies to improve it, with medical advice. And physiotherapy which can make a huge difference. And get some vitamin D with calcium tablets from health food shop as girl i know swears her knee felt better and her nails grew better after chewing two of those Vit D with calcium daily for six months.
Now to you. Take stock of you. List your ten best points. You have many good points. Celebrate them. Remind yourself daily of what a jewell you are. You will find TrueLove. Though don't be in a rush to find it. Get your life how you want, decide where you want to live, work, enjoy life, first. You are in control of your life now.
Be glad Puny is out of the equation.
Right now i understand you will be feeling angry, betrayed, and very distressed by Puny. But Puny is not worthy of your time, attention, nor your thoughts. Puny is a deceptive loser. You can't waste time on what 'might have been' with Puny. Since Puny could not even lie straight in bed.
You, on the other hand are much more important.
Start compiling a list of things you think represent an Honorable Trustworthy Good Guy. A man respected by his peers. A man who is proud to take you home to meet his parents. A man who tells the world you are his girlfriend the moment you and he have agreed to be a couple.
A man who does answer his front door. Who does tell you where he is and how he can be contacted. A man who honors you on your birthday and welcomes the times on his days off, when he can enjoy his leisure time with YOU.
Puny is incapable of meeting those standards above.
Next time you meet a guy DO get to know him as a friend first. You will not lose a good guy if you hold off on sex first. Yes the Puny's of the world will disappear if you say No until they qualify (except the Puny's would have to change SO much to qualify). Whereas a GoodGuy will stick around, with no sex, in order to demonstrate in many ways, how he does qualify for your trust and respect.
DO get to observe and meet his friends and decide if his friends are people who treat you respectfully and kindly and DO have their girl friends with them when you all hang out together.
Because birds of a feather flock together.
You do not need to know a guy's past, nor does he need to know your past, if any. But you do need to know his intended future with ou. Therefore before you start dating a guy it is OK o set some ground rules.
It is OK to confirm exclusivity. It is not pushy. It is a respect thing. You have a right to ask that he meet your standards. One of those is exclusivity. If he can't meet that, then show him the door.
If you have any concerns, before you do start having unprotected sex it is OK for both parties to ask each other for medical tests re any Sexually Transmitted diseases. If someone has nothing to hide then there should be nothing to get offended about. All it is is a ten second blood test then a wait for results, plus a follow up. From then on, in an exclusive relationship, after results are back it is all OK
Because how can a Puny promise he knows all about every one of his hook-ups? It only takes one person with an STD. Puny gets with that one person, and goes on to infect his wife and his girlfriends and his many hook-ups. It is not worth it to land a Puny and get your life ruined.
Once you restart your life without Puny then do make sure you keep yourself fit, healthy, happy and develop some friends doing wholesome healthy activities. Keep your ears open amongst girlfriends for any brothers or male cousins of your girl friends where such guys may be single.
A nice girlfriend will recognise nice in you and be happy to recommend you.
Even with a bad knee you can still look for work. Even if finding a job gets hard, then consider some volunteer work, as this can also give you skills, and a smart employer will see that you were enterprising, capable and pro-active even though unemployed.
Improve your belief in you by complimenting yourself every day on something you did well, or learned, every day. get out in the sunshine. Try to look foward to the future,
And Bless the day that you recognised that Puny was never going to come up trumps. Be thankful that you woke up to the fact that Puny is not worth the dirt he walks on.
You on the other hand are worthy of far more than a deceitful liar who two times every woman he connects with.
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