A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Do I cause the abuse? My boyfriend and I broke up because he is verbally abusive. He doesn't really call me bad names, but I've done my research on verbal abuse, and he definitely has acted that way toward me. For example, he denies and ignores and counters me and trivializes things. Basically, if he doesn't want to talk to me he will close his eyes, ignore me, and tell me that the conversation is over. He won't let me talk or express my concerns. He also gets mad if I choose not to smoke cigarettes, or do the things he wants me to do. He is 35 too! I told him that I won't accept him disrespecting me, and that I want him to get help, but he is in denial that he is abusive, and I know that I can't change him, he can only change if he first wants to, and puts in the work. He said he hasn't had this problem with any of his exes, so my question is, is how he treats me my fault? Do I not have clear enough boundaries? If I knew how to react and respond earlier I would have done so. He changed after we got engaged, and I guess I just was in shock and didn't want to believe it. What blows my mind is that he says he is easy going and that I should just love him and be with him, and if I don't then I never really cared. Tell me if I'm wrong, but just because you love someone you don't have to be with them and tolerate abuse and disrepect. I really want to call him on things more often, but he has moved many states away. He wants to be with me, but this has been going on for like 3 years, and I don't want us to waste anymore of each others time, if he is not willing to admit he has a problem. I want to express my boundaries and be stronger, but not to only get hurt more. Please tell me if you think I have somehow caused the abuse, or let it go on. When I don't want to do something he tells me to or when he ignores me I say no or leave, but then I usually try to explain myself. I have learned that that is a common response from victims of abuse.
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broke up, engaged, his ex Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (19 September 2009):
I would like to say that there are men that are not like him. There are men, friends of yours perhaps, that would gladly help you get out of the situation. These are the people you should be with.
I'll admit, I got arrested 4 days after you made your post. However, I got arrested for being party boy for halloween. I did not get arrested for hitting a woman and battering her emotionally, because I feel empty inside. I did not harm anyone, etc.
Find yourself a good guy. You can do better than that, no matter what he has said to you. No matter how many times he has hurt you. No matter what he has done to you. You are still a woman with her own gifts, talents, beauty, and worth.
You have the right to be happy.
A
male
reader, artian  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 looks like as long as your giving him attention he will continue on his path of whatever he believes.
If he has contained anger why should he pass the victim that lives in him to you and make you a victim too.
Its not your fault!
If he believes he is manipulating you or controlling you then if you 'move on' and cut communication he will have to change that way of thinking. It will probably help him realize what he really needs. An end of a relationship makes us realize what we done wrong so he should learn and maybe wise up.
But do it for your sake and you wont have to put up with the not needed negative input.
Seek the positive and put your nose on the joy trail and re-balance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): I promise you that you are NOT the cause of any type of abuse. I am 2 weeks out of a horrible relationship with a man that manipulated and toyed with my head. I have been physically ill from his "silent treatments", accusations and blaming. I lost my job because of the stress and pain he caused me. He also emotionally abused me. He lives overseas, so I understand the long distance aspect. I didn't trust my instincts and now I am left with the pain and counseling appointments while he merrily is going on with his life. Leave this relationship and don't look back. It will not get better if he is unwilling to accept that he needs help and then goes and gets the help he needs. I want to encourage you to be strong, value yourself and your future. You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (11 March 2009):
 Well, in a way, yes you are the cause.
If you weren't with him, he couldn't verbally abuse you, right?
So you didn't cause it, but you are allowing it to go on.
The real question you should ask yourself why you are letting this happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Hi - I know how you feel, I took 12 years of it, but my advice is that you have not 'caused' the abuse. If you hang around with this constant but somehow not overt abuse it will grind you down and gradually you will not be able to leave even if you desperately know you need to. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that verbal abuse leads to physical abuse so that is another thing to consider. Trust your instincts and walk. I wish I had. I don't know why but we just want someone to change. we want them to be something they will not be. You will constantly feel belittled, degraded and generally unloved. With this foundation for your relationship other aspects will suffer and you will simply lose your sense of self. If you need any more information the website I have recommended to many people on this site is www.hiddenhurt.co.uk for me this website told me everything. However only you can judge when 'enough is enough'. That is the hardest part and the easiest part - I say leave. You sound like you have a lot of love to give the right man. Don't waste it.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (11 March 2009):
 You are not wrong here! In fact you have answered your own question, I think you have done your research and found out the answers we'd give you.
Forget him and find a guy who will respect you.
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A
female
reader, Jmo +, writes (11 March 2009):
 No one is EVER the cause of verbal abuse.
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