A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now. A few months ago I met a guy at work who I messaged after I left the job. He was quite flirty with me in this conversation but I didn't think it meant anything. About a month later he messaged me again asking if I was around to go for a drink. He knew I had a boyfriend and so I thought nothing of it, but my boyfriend was unhappy with me agreeing to go. I felt that he should trust me when I said that he was just a friend and I felt nothing for him, but he felt that my insistence on going was because I liked the guy. I didn't go in the end, but the next day messaged the guy to apologise and deleted the message so that my boyfriend wouldn't see. However, he did and now has lost all trust for me. I know deleting the message was a mistake, but I didn't want to have another argument with my boyfriend and now I don't know how to regain his trust again. He says he doesn't know whether he still wants to be with me and can't understand why I made a big deal about meeting this guy. Looking back I know I should have respected that it made him uncomfortable but I didn't like him telling me no and that he didn't trust me. How do I get his trust back and prove that this guy meant nothing and I was just being stubborn?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 October 2017):
 If this was an old male friend who wanted to catch up with you over a drink I would say your boyfriend was completely out off order and he should not stand in your way off having friends, male or female. But this guy is not your friend, he is a old co-worker who flirts with you and then asks you out, not only that but you agree and then when you don't go you message him but you try and hide it from your boyfriend. Am not sure I could trust you either to be fair.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (20 October 2017):
 OP, it's not simply a matter of being able to trust that you won't hop into bed with some guy behind his back. And this is not about his ego.
It's that he cannot rely on you to exercise maturity and sound judgment, to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries, to recognize possible threats, to avoid temptation, to get the measure of others and act accordingly, and to consider how your actions might be interpreted by those around you.
Being an adult doesn't just mean you can stay up as late as you want and no one is the boss of you.
He simply cannot rely on you.
And let's face it, the only thing you've learned here is that there is a limit to how much you can get away with. If your boyfriend had been the type to suffer in silence, you'd already be planning your second date with that guy.
'Meant nothing' is a tired old claim that men who have been caught cheating give their wives. The truth is he was worth risking your relationship for. That's a whole lot more than nothing.
My advice is that you take some time to reflect before trying to convince your boyfriend of anything. And even though it hurts you, give him the time and space to decide whether you are someone he wants in his life. It would be the grown up thing to do.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 October 2017):
 You were out of line and I suspect you know it. Of course nobody can stop you from seeing your friends, but this guy was not a friend. He was not somebody who shares your ardent passion for, say, antiques and could not wait to show you his late purchase at the vintage fair. He was some guy whom you barely knew , who flirted with you , and who, basically, asked you out on a date , and you accepted.
Real friends aren't "quite flirty " - if they are quite flirty, they are already putting your interaction on a different level than platonic friendship.
I believe that you did not mean to do anything physical with him, and that you were simply intrigued / flattered by his attention, but that's already disrespectful to your boyfriend. Basically, you wanted him to be ok with another guy hitting on you under his nose, and to accept meekly you showing him off your conquests. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I bet you'd have found it unpleasant- and unacceptable.
Why all the mistery afterwards, then ? You chose to not go- why not telling your bf" I am not going, but I will have to apologize to X for standing him up "? I don't think your bf would have had a conniption if you wanted to be polite,- but of course he did not like your being secretive and disloyal.
It seems that your bf has good reasons to not trust you. Loyalty is not just about the physical . Going out with a man that hits on you is already disloyal, even if you are not going to let the guy even put a finger on you. You may say that you weren't " sure " he was hitting on you - it might have been just banter - but flirty banter, coming from someone you do not know that well after all, allows room for a reasonable doubt, and, when in doubt -abstain.
How to regain your bf's trust . There's not much you can do, other than not being defensive, and admit honestly that you screwed up, out of ego and vanity- and promise to toe the line from now on. Hopefully , if this is your first "strike ", your bf will have the patience to let you show that you mean it and will be transparent with hin from now on.
Anyway, this incident is interesting and should offer you food for thought, and a chance for reflecting. Are you really happy in your relationship, is there something missing from it ? has the relationship become humdrum or routine, has anything changed between you ?.. I am saying this because, all in all, when a woman is happy with her partner, some random guy hitting on her - would probably annoy her or irk her, rather than making her interested....
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (19 October 2017):
You have the right to have any friends you want. But the guy didn't ask you out because he wants to be friends. And you know that. From your actions and your boyfriend's reaction I have the feeling this relationship may have run it's course.
It says you're 22-25 and you've been with your bf 5 years. That is 1/5th of your life, a really long time considered.
If you want to stay with your BF apologize and hope that time heals his ego.
I have a question for you? How did your BF find out about this? You say you apologized to the guy for standing him up and you deleted the message but BF found it. Is he monitoring your phone? If he is you may have bigger worries.
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A
male
reader, VitaminZ +, writes (19 October 2017):
The guy wanted to sleep with you and you agreed to meet him for a drink. You were out of line.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (19 October 2017):
You won't be able to regain his trust. This will be on him...it'll take either high-level stupidity or a case of total amnesia.
You agreed to go out for a drink with a guy who'd been flirty with you but he knew you had a boyfriend, so you "thought nothing of it." Whenever does a woman go out for a drink with a flirty guy and not think he has romantic intentions?
All you'll get out of this is a good lesson. If by some rare chance you do regain your boyfriend's trust, let us know how you did it. It would answer a lot of the problems we see here on DC.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (19 October 2017):
 As a woman just like you, i'm going to get straight to the nitty gritty, because i know how we women work.
You felt special when this guy flirted with you and gave you attention.
You knew very well, what you'd be getting yourself into if you'd accepted this guy's invitation.
The fact that you admitted that he did flirt with you, then you were still prepared to go ahead and meet with this guy, tells me you weren't being totally sincere and honest with yourself, nor with your bf.
Your bf deserves your total transparency, loyalty, honesty and respect, just as you demand his, because guess what?
You're no more special than he is.
Let me ask you this.
If this entire situation was the other way around, whereby it were your bf of 5 years chatting to a flirty woman at work and texting her and even deleting her msg via his mobile ph, so as to hide their conversation from you, yet you caught him out, how would you seriously feel?
I can almost guarantee that you'd be totally upset and feel somewhat envious/jealous, as most women would.
Firstly, you'd be disappointed in your man for even giving of his time to another female and one that you've never met, plus you'd come to the conclusion that perhaps he is really interested in this other female & you know what? You'd most probably be right on target.
So why treat your boyfriend in such a disrespectful way?
It's wrong and you know it.
I'm not going to tell you what you wish to hear, but i'm going to tell you the truth and the facts.
Why do we women get so damn offended if/when our men have female friends or find other women attractive, totally captivating and interesting, yet when we do the dirty, try to do the dirty or when we wish to talk to men and even get together with them, that we expect to get away with it and even be forgiven?
No, it doesn't work this way.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander and regardless of gender, we're all deserving of absolute respect by those we love and place our trust in.
I do know something about men, because i'm married and in my past, i've been in a number of long term relationships.
Most men, no matter how understanding, will not be completely trusting, ever again, of a woman who has broken his trust in her.
If you are fortunate enough to still have him in your life, you'd have to work hard, over time, at regaining his trust, but even then, it will never, ever be the same, certainly not for him.
This is just the way that it is.
My question to you?
If you are completely innocent and if your intentions were so, so sincere, then why did you feel the need to delete your text msg and why didn't you just go ahead and catch up with the guy?
You didn't end up seeing him because it appears you were riddled with a guilty conscience, because you knew what this guy's potential modus operandi may be and just maybe, you too, were a wee bit interested in him.
To get together and to be with YOU.
Also, you weren't being stubborn, you were telling a big fat lie, right from the start and you knew it.
Let this be a serious lesson for you to learn and may you grow from this experience and never repeat the same mistake again.
On a final note, even if your bf didn't treat you with the utmost respect, you'd simply leave him, however, as he treats you with respect, you absolutely owe him the very same courtesy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 October 2017):
 I mean in ALL honesty, OP?
How can you not have known that this wasn't really OK to do? If the guy hadn't been flirty but wanted to talk business or talk as a FRIEND - then you could have suggested meeting up maybe even bring your BF with you so he could MEET this new friend...
But I DO get that NO ONE likes to be told who they can be friends with, go for a meal or drink with. Absolutely get it. And there SHOULD be some kind of trust in a relationship that BOTH of you KNOW what's appropriate and if the situation turns out to be "this person is hitting on me" you would leave and go home.
Only you can really know WHY you said yes to drinks with a guy who was acting "flirty" with you. After all this other guy was not someone you had an established friendship with. You write you had known him only for a few months. So it wasn't like you BF was trying to control who you can be friends with. I think he just READ the situation from a guy's view, that the guy was NOT looking to make friends... but something quite different. The fact that he waited until you were no longer working together kind of makes that a bit more obvious, right? Some guys are NOT going to CARE that a girl has a BF if he is trying to bed her or chat her up. (Especially if he doesn't know the guy she is dating. Same with women...)
Put the shoe on the other foot for a minute. If a girl from your BF's job was being flirty with him and then asked him out for a drink (knowing he had a GF) would you think:" OH that is super great, go have drinks!!" Or would you think:" don't be dense she is hoping to snag you?". That it isn't as "innocent as it sounds?
All you can do is explain your viewpoint. If your BF decides that this is worth ending a 5-year relationship over, there is nothing you can do, other than learning from it.
I do think your BF is overreacting a little bit here. Yes, deleting messages is NOT a smart thing, but if you canceled the meetup WHY does your BF need to see your messages? Does he go through your phone? I don't get it. Block the other dude's number and move on.
In short, OP - "do unto others..." treat others (like your BF) how you would like to be treated in the same situation.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (19 October 2017):
 You see him as a friend, this guy sees you as a potential notch on his bedpost.
He was flirty, he was asking you on a DATE. That's very obvious. Your BF is male, he knows how other males think. I don't think you'd like it if it was the other way around so why should your BF just deal with it? What you did was disrespectful, I really doubt this other dude had platonic thoughts in mind.
All you can do is apologise and assure your BF that it won't happen again. If he wants to stay with you, great. If not, you learn from this experience for future relationships.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 October 2017):
 It takes time to build trust. All you can do is admit mistakes and never let them happen again. You will also have to explain to him in a way he can accept - which, incidentally, you haven't done to me.On the good side, you didn't keep this liaison. If only you had told your boyfriend in advance and assured him it was an innocent meeting between two old colleagues then it might have been different.But then you did tell us the guy was 'flirty'. Were you a little bit excited and flattered to be asked? All you can do now is try and let the wound heal. You didn't go. You tried to cover and got found out. So often it is the cover-up that is worse than the crime.Give it time and be squeaky clean in the meantime.
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