A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone! So 6 months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years and I’ve been plagued with guilt since. 2 years ago my bf witnessed/went through something extremely traumatic and was diagnosed with PTSD, during the early days of his diagnosis I was very supportive and patient with him even when he wasn’t so nice to me but I understood that this was because of what he had been through. Over the years, he had been on the mend and was starting to turn into himself again however he began neglecting me, my emotions and my struggles. He’d constantly shut me down whenever I’d try and talk to him about my struggles, it felt like he simply didn’t care anymore and wasn’t interested. I tried to talk to him countless times but my efforts fell on deaf ears. As a result I ended our relationship because it started to have a negative effect on me both emotionally and mentally but my decision has plagued me ever since, I miss him and love him dearly however the constant having to bury my emotions and struggles was unbearable and I was tired of constantly crying. Was I selfish for breaking up with him or was it for the best? What should I do? I love him and miss himThank you in advance X
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (14 January 2021):
 OP whenever we break up with someone, our minds tend to focus on mostly the good memories. The fact remains; the bad times were not created in your own imagination. If this relationship was causing you to spiral mentally and you were miserable, then yes, it was for the best. You were sacrificing your own happiness to help someone else. Something that we should not be so quick to do. Remember all of the tears? All of the pain? Feeling ignored and single yet you were taken? Do you want to feel that way again? He needs help from a professional that is qualified to deal with what he has going on. Besides that, it isn't your job to help him. You're missing him. It's normal. Most people go through that after a break up and I'm sure that many more are going through that while they're stuck in quarantine. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. The bad was there. In your face. Everyday. Remind yourself of that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2021): This is not about guilt, it is about you feeling lonely and missing the guy he was before this happened. Wishing you could turn the clock back and have him back the way he was before. You reach out to us in the hope that we say something uplifting, even if we are totally wrong, something that can keep that flame of hope burning. Not realistic when you are the one who knows him - not us.
There is no reason to feel guilty, he was only a boyfriend, he was not a life long partner, project or paid job.
If you had been receiving pay of so much a week to be with him and you decided to end it - and turn down your weekly pay check - you would be entitled to - but you received nothing in return. It became all negatives.
Would he have hung around if it had been the other way around? Would he still be there for you now? I doubt it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2021): Situations will differ, and each person undergoing emotional-turmoil, neglect, or abuse within a relationship has to make hard decisions based on whether the relationship is salvageable; and every considerable effort is being made on both-sides to save the relationship. If your committed and exhaustive-efforts are not fruitful, and no progress or changes are made; that is when you stop, and you have to give it up!
Just because a person has mental-illness, or suffers from some sort of chronic or live-threatening disease; doesn't mean you have to endure their cruelty, verbal-abuse, and punishment, or suffer from being shut-out. The martyrdom serves no purpose; unless you want to impress people around you on how noble and self-sacrificing you are.
If cruelty and indifference is what you get in return for your love and devotion; and continues until it becomes so unbearable you feel forced to leave. You should feel compassion and grief for them; but not guilt for doing what's best for you.
Poverty and remoteness give some people no options. Caring for disabled-parents, siblings, or your children, who are totally dependent on you; it might be impossible to just give-up, or abandon those loved-ones whose survival is uncertain without you. Taking exception to those cases where you're so self-absorbed and calloused, you're unmoved by their suffering; and won't even bother to find an alternative source of care if you could. If tragedy strikes, then guilt will have it's place. Guilt comes from being unkind, because all you cared about was yourself! All because you didn't care, or was tired of being weighed-down by their suffering. You only cared when everything was normal, and you were having a good-time. Even this is understandable, because everyone has their threshold or saturation-point. You don't have to be heartless about it. Guilt is only human.
I suspect, in desperation, you might have grown somewhat impatient; finding it difficult to allow him the time to heal. It's almost a given that recovery from PTSD will take time. Then you have to take into account his personality and character aside from his disability. The exception is when trauma-victims are doing nothing about it; or they're lazy, resistant, and uncommitted to treatment. Showing signs of deterioration; and becoming dangerous to others and themselves. Just sapping you of your love, energy, and strength; as if you owe them something. If they flat-out reject you; then you're just being foolish to stick-around. That's just feasting on drama and looking for pity. Then it's about you, not their suffering and disability. If you stay, and get nothing out of doing so; it's not their fault! Being his Florence Nightingale is your choice.
PTSD has to be treated. Otherwise, it can render you so disabled or mentally-crippled; you may not be able to maintain a job, a relationship, or care for your children. The severity of the trauma demands a committed regimen of therapies and treatments for your wellbeing and good-health. If you neglect yourself and your loved-ones, you cannot expect them to put-up with your mistreatment and cruelty. When your bad-behavior is most certainly attributed to your failure to seek help! When you won't fully commit yourself to treatment, meds, and therapies that are necessary for you to function within society, and being around other people. There is no justification or excuse for not taking care of yourself; or seeking all the care and help you need. You don't punish others for your pain! If you know you're getting worse, you have no right to hurt other people. There is no excuse whatsoever!
Unlike a wife or a husband, girlfriends and boyfriends have not taken vows that they must keep; promises made before God and witnesses that requires them to remain with their partner for better or worse, or through sickness and good-health. It's just a noble choice. Married-people are held to a different standard; because they have chosen one person, and forsaken all others. It's ride or die! Their faithfulness and loyalty is sworn until they are separated by death; and they married each other because they wanted their love to be bonded for eternity. Not when the spouse becomes abusive, obnoxious, violent, alcoholic, drug-addicted, refuses help, and proves difficult or dangerous to be around. Dump them, and run for your life!!!
He was not your husband. He had six years to make that possible! You're quite a loyal girlfriend! You clung for love, but he didn't reciprocate or appreciate it. You begged and pleaded, but it didn't make any difference. So...what are you feeling guilty about???
Don't attribute everything about him to his PTSD. He was a person before he suffered trauma, and remains a person to this day. He has the same responsibilities to you, and his fellow-man, to be kind and compassionate. He is responsible for how he treats people, and how he responds to those who love him. We have to make these decisions without selfishness, but not without good-judgement and common sense. If someone is well enough to hurt you, you have to be strong and wise enough to remove yourself from that situation.
When you give somebody your heart, and commit to them; your love deserves honor, kindness, faithfulness, respect, and love in return. Even when they are sick or injured; they are allowed but so much leniency and understanding for their bad-behavior symptomatic of their affliction. We aren't always sugar and spice ourselves when in pain or when suffering; and sometimes you have to be left alone to fully heal and recover. Giving you their support is the best anyone can do for you at times.
Relationships are stressful and demanding, and there are circumstances where they are too much to maintain. It is also compassionate to remove yourself; when you see the strain it places on your partner. You demanded him to be himself, but he couldn't. That doesn't mean you had to stay and wait indefinitely for him to be himself again. From your description, he didn't seem to be trying; as far as your relationship was concerned. He may have given-up on it, long before you did; but maybe you were stubborn and too persistent to see reality. It might have been a burden on him. Your guilt won't change anything. Sometimes you have to love from a distance.
In all relationships, you will have disagreements and arguments. We are human, and we have faults and weaknesses; we have quirks and peeves. Disagreements should be resolved with compromise, patience, and forgiveness. You should diligently work on tough-problems, until they are completely resolved. You have to be as willing to listen, as you are determined to be heard. You must bear ownership of your own faults and mistakes. If the scale is always tipped, but never balanced; common sense, logic, and all reason says it isn't working. It's stupidity to keep kicking a dead horse. Trying to force feelings out of people they don't have, or expecting them to change, and be someone they never were.
If they have changed due to some unfortunate tragedy; that is still no excuse to mistreat or neglect those who love you. Doing all they can to support, comfort, and stand by you. If they're so far-gone they no longer feel; you're wasting your time anyway!
You had to let him go, and that hurt you; but he hurt you too! Didn't it hurt when he never showed any sensitivity to your pain or needs? All care and energy was focused on his pain and problems. No matter how hard you tried to remain faithful, and stick by him; he didn't appreciate you for it. That isn't love, it's just using a person. Selfishly basking in the light they generate into your life. Until all their good-energy and light is used-up, and flickers out. When it was his turn to shine for you; all there was left is darkness. Sweetheart, what choice did he leave you? Don't beat yourself up over it!
Your light flickered-out, sweetheart. I am so sorry, but you had to do what you had to do!
You don't abandon, ignore, or mistreat the people you want to be with you long-term, or for life! Though it may be required that you be selfless from time to time; when it is necessary for the good of both people as a couple. If it's always one-sided, and one is always giving...that isn't love. It's an infatuation. One person is a giver, and the other is a taker. There has to be a fair-exchange and reciprocity; or it is all a waste of your time and feelings. Assess the relationship, weight the pros and cons; and then make a sound and reasonable decision to save yourself. If you can't save him or her, and the relationship won't mend no matter how hard you try; then you must save yourself.
Illness incapacitates us, and can often change us in ways we may never be the same. In a healthy relationship, you're like two support-beams standing side-by-side holding-up the stress and weight of the world. The weight will shift or get heavier. Sometimes one support buckles, or cracks; and only one support holds-up all the weight. If that other support is never repaired, eventually all the weight will break the other. If that weight was never evenly-distributed, it is inevitable that eventually both supports will break. Feel no guilt, just grief for your loss. Then you have to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2021): You did the right thing.
You can't fix people. That's the lesson I didn't learn when I was your age.
I left my bf when I was 23 after almost 7 years, because he refused to seek help for his problems. Instead he took them out on me. It was hard and it hurt. But I did the right thing.
However, I didn't actually learn that you can't fix people. So I married someone who needs loads of help and takes out his problems on me. As I'm writing this, his angry (at me, go figure) for heaving health issues and his angry (at me, again) for having to deal with them. He's a a good man, but he just has load of problems he never dealt with.
So... take my word for it, you can't fix people. You can only suffer with them, stop caring or just leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 January 2021):
 Was he seeking help for the PTSD? Was he continuously GETTING help?
If not, there was nothing YOU could do to fix that for him. Trauma is something people have to work through, generally with a good counselor and it can take a long time to "put it to rest".
You ex might not have been ready to deal with it. That is another aspect of trauma. A person can be aware but spend more time trying to ignore it (hoping it goes away on it's own) rather than work through it. And if you then also want to talk about "things" and he couldn't give anything, because he has nothing to give.
And that isn't your fault. Nor his. He was trying to live in a vacuum, and he wanted YOU to live in one too. One without too much emotions, that isn't realistic.
Maybe being on his own he will gave time to work on himself. Maybe he won't do it, because he still isn't ready. It doesn't matter though. You didn't break up because he had went through some bad stuff, you broke up because the relationship was becoming unhealthy for you and thus ALSO for him.
It might not have FELT like the right thing to do, but sometimes we have to make choices we don't like. And you, HAVE to put yourself first. No one else does.
You can't have a relationship with someone else ALL by yourself. They have to participate and partake. He isn't able to do so.
It's OK for you to have empathy with him. It doesn't solve his issues. Nor yours.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (5 January 2021):
 I don't think that you have done anything wrong, and you was in no way selfish, and yes I think it was for the best.
You was there for him in his time of need, when he was at rock bottom. You were there for him helping him through it and not giving up on him, where as a lot of people might have walked away.
Once he got on the mend and started to turn into himself again he turned in to not a nice person, started shutting you down. You tried to talk to him, but this was no good.
I think that you have done all you can regarding this relationship, you gave it your best shot. You have got to start thinking about your health, your well being, and being in this relationship was not doing your well being any favours.
You were with him for six years, that's a long time so of course your going to still carry emotions and feelings. But its been six months already since you split up, sooner or later your feelings will diminish and things will get easier.
I would not think about going back if I was you, I don't think things will be different second time around, and you will be back to square one again.
Just work on yourself, practice giving yourself love, and loving you again,and do things that make your heart sing. I assure you things will get easier, time is the healer of all things.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2021): It was for the best. I know you are filled with guilt and that’s normal. But your happiness is important too. Being with him was affecting your mental and emotional health. It would of been no good for either for you to be together and both have mental and emotional problems. It would of made things worse for both of you. Ultimately, you cannot help him. Only a professional can help him. He needs to work on himself and heal his scars before even he can be in any relationship. And you now need to work on yours too. What has happened to him is terrible but it is an unforeseen circumstance and there’s no need for both of you to struggle. He was probably finding it hard dealing with his problems and being in a relationship as well. Spend some time by yourself and build yourself back up. He needs to do the same. Who knows what the future holds for both of you? But for now you both need space and time to heal. He needs to focus solely on himself at the moment and that is probably all he is capable of right now. He may not realise it now, but in the future he will understand your reasons.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2021): Well what did he experience. Has he messaged you. Do what your heart says you can go back I’m sure he misses you
...............................
|
