A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband told me 4 months ago that he was done with our marriage and leaving. He has left me and our children 4 times over the last several years. Each time he has come back (because I have asked or begged him to). He did not say when he was going to leave so basically we have been separated living in the same house. He has been unfaithful twice, has a bad temper, and has gotten physical in the past (no open hand hitting but putting his hand around my neck and pinning me up against a wall, etc.). Obviously, I was upset that this was happening again but I knew I was not going to beg him to stay. I decided I was going to wait for him to leave and then file for divorce. Then something unexpected happened. I have a good male friend who I began to confide in shortly after my husband said he was leaving and before I knew it, I could tell that I was developing feelings for him and he felt the same. We talked via text or phone constantly and grew closer. Nothing ever happened between us because we both knew it would be wrong and that people would get hurt. However we decided that we would keep talking and that was great for awhile. Two months ago my friend told me he had to back off because he wanted to make sure he was not influencing any decision I would have to make regarding my marriage if my husband hadn't left like he said he would. I assured him over and over that he was not influencing anything at all (because he wasn't - the marriage has had major problems for years!). He stated he wanted me to have a clear mind and do what was best for me for myself, not because of what he thought of me. He told me to clear my head and handle my business with my pending divorce. I was very, very upset and while I knew in my head he was right, my heart did not (and still doesn't)agree. The last we talked was the day before Christmas via text and he told me that he was backing off and letting the dust settle and then would proceed with me as it was supposed to happen but he could not be around during my divorce process, etc. He said he was a good guy and had feelings that he didn't want to get hurt and that I was a good person with alot to offer someone but he couldn't be around for what was going down with my marriage. He will now not respond to any of my text messages (I have sent 2 since that last day) or e-mails (I sent 2 since that last day also). I am having a really hard time with this and starting to question if it was some kind of game or if he really does care about me and has just disappeared until I work through all of this. So that is my question, does my friend who I have feelings for really care about me or was he playing a game and just not interested?
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female
reader, Serendipity K +, writes (31 January 2012):
Update: I posted this question and just heard from my friend. He found someone else..... I have no idea why he couldn't have just told me upfront; I would have understood as he had no influence as to what was going on in my marriage at all. He said it happened in a way of no effort... whatever that means. At any rate, I am going to continue to focus on myself but I don't get why he went through all of the "don't make this about me; don't base your decisions on me; pretend I'm not even here" stuff when really he had found someone else. This makes no sense to me at all. I'm so disillusioned.... if I didn't know better I would think he just made it up to make sure I don't have him in the back of my mind while I go through this. I don't know how someone says all these deep things to you and then finds someone else in no time. Well, I just need to keep focusing on me and my children and forget about everything else. However, if anyone has anything to offer advice-wise based on what I have just posted here, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 He most likely does not want to be named in the divorce. Once you begin the process, your husband can play some very dirty tricks and if he can prove you are having an affair (even a close friendship) he may prevent you getting what you are entitled to. Even if you don't have a house or savings, it can give him a reason to be difficult over child support arrangements.
Your friend id doing you a favour by backing off. I would send him an e-mail to let him know you understand his decision and that hopefully you can become friends again when everything is sorted out.
Its not a good time to start a new relationship. If you need support, rely on close family members, female friends or people at your church (if you belong to one)
You have a bumpy road ahead and a lot of emotional stuff to work through before you are stable enough to begin again with someone new.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (31 January 2012):
 He seemed sincere to me. It certainly doesn't sound like he was playing games with you. He expressed interest but withdrew himself for his sake as well as yours.
He's ignoring your calls now probably because he doesn't want to risk temptation and he sees you are clearly unable to. One of you has to do the right thing.
His decision to take a step back and let you sort yourself out was mature, dignified and reasonable.
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