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Was dry-humping rape? Did I rape her?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 December 2007) 9 Answers - (Newest, 7 April 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, *iobhankay writes:

am i normal?

i dry humped my girlfriend as she slept

she woke up and started screemin rape

did i rape her?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009):

She never consented. When you started touching her in a sexual way, that was assault. Legally, you could be charged with sexual assault. And her reaction was genuine to her. You scared her, and no one should downplay that. A different woman might have been okay with it as she woke up, but because everyone is different, it is not wise to take that chance.

Some people have trauma related to childhood abuse that was connected to sleep. It is hard to know who is affected and their reaction could be just like your girlfriend's or worse. She may not have been abused, but there is something scary, in general, about someone touching you sexually without even some implied permission.

Unfortunately, I had the worst case scenario happen to me. I "woke up" feeling like someone was kissing me. And I couldn't move. And then I blacked out. I had what seemed to be dreams about a sexual encounter, and only later did I realize that something had happened. It's a long story, but there was something medically that proved that I'd had sex (I was celibate at the time) and that connected me to him...and his wife...and his mistress...and tragically, his infant son. We all had the same STD. For the child and the two women, it appeared on their faces.

Of course I freaked out, and I went to the emergency room and then a lot of therapy. I had been having eating problems and extreme anxiety and mood swings. I thought I might have been drugged but I could not recall a moment when he could have administered the drug and I didn't have any hangover effects.

I have not completely ruled that out, but in my own research and in therapy I found out that it is possible to go into shock and black out if you are sexually assaulted, and some people (not just women) are particularly vulnerable when they are sleeping.

But over a year later, I can tell you that even though I don't remember anything after realizing I was being kissed and blacking out, I still went through hell for several months and will be dealing with rape recovery for a while.

He might have interpreted my shocked state as consent. Luckily for your girlfriend, she did not go into shock because it sounds like you would have thought it was okay to go further and yes, that would certainly have been rape.

In my case, I did not resist because I was not aware of my actions at that point...or maybe I did resist, but I don't have any memory of it the same way that someone in a bad car crash might not remember the actual accident.

But you still suffer physically and emotionally when you experience trauma. For months, I coughed and gagged, had a twitch in my eye, had problems eating and had pretty severe anxiety attacks. I still deal with other emotional effects as well.

This is actually not to judge but to make sure that everyone understands that the effects of sexual assault are real even if the perpetrator doesn't think he really did anything. If your genitals were touching hers, and for her to respond the way she did, she was traumatized. That should not be dismissed. Who knows what she went through later? And that is what makes rape so horrendous.

Consent is crucial if you want to make sure that you are not harming a person in a sexual situation. If a person is sleeping, they cannot consent. And if you are already touching their genitals or yours are touching the person before they wake up, you've crossed the line. Kissing is similar. It's hard to explain why it feels so violating, but it is. The reaction speaks for itself.

If you want to be safe and to make sure you are not violating someone, make sure that the person can consent. If they can't say no, they can't say yes either.

I hope that clears things up for you and maybe even for her.

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A female reader, aunty_rach United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2009):

it's not rape, but it could have been classed as sexual assault

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008):

Your normal babes, but you are rude and inconsiderate, and I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend dumps you. People asleep are very vulnerable, women especially don't like to be molested when they are asleep and cannot say no. Don't do this again. No rape occur ed because there was no penetration. But touching women in their sleep is a creepy thing to do. Apologise to your girlfriend and don't do this again. In my position, I probably would have hurt you very badly, I don't like to be troubled because I like me sleep. Be glad that you still have fingers and testicles and are alive to tell us your sad story... Your girlfriend is much nicer than me...

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A female reader, jprincess422 United States +, writes (28 October 2008):

jprincess422 agony aunti dont think it was rape.i dont blame her though.having wake up and someone's thing is all"down there".try to explainto her that u had a sudden urge while she was sleeping.i think she will understand.menn have needs just like woman have needs but sometimes men's needs need to be meet quickier.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008):

she took that a little far dont ya think? that isn't rape, but I guess I cant really blame her, waking up and having that happen, she was probly just in shock, just explain to her, that it wasn't rape and give her your reasons

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008):

If there is no penetration (vaginal, anal or oral), then there us NO rape. Period and end of story. However, that doesn't make it right although it isn't necessarily wrong either. It really depends on your relationship. But, whether it is rape or not, the moment she says stop, you need to stop and knowing she doesn't like it means you should never do it again. And for the record, even though it may not be rape, it could easily be seen as simple battery.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2007):

wow she's being a bit of a drama queen isn't she? You did not rape her if you didn't penetrate her. Though if she doesn't like the dry humping then you should have stopped. Otherwise, she's being rather ridiculous.

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A male reader, seph New Zealand +, writes (6 December 2007):

Depends on the circumstances. Sounds a bit dodge. If she didn't like it you shouldn't do it. It definitely wasn't rape if you didn't penetrate her. Stay away from sex for a while I'd say. Your only a minor.

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A female reader, agony anuts rubby United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2007):

agony anuts rubby agony aunthi my name angony anuts rubby. befor i start i dont know you so iam not here to judge you.

people will say many things about this question. has its an hard question as i dont no nothing about it or what happened at the time.

many people would say yes this was rape with what you put.

your girlfriend didnt say you could do that to her.

she was scared as you say she woke screeming but did you stop when she asked .

has she done anything about it?

its only your girlfriend that can say if it was rape if she didnt want to make love (have sex) then yes you did rape her.

the best thing you can do his talk to your gp see what help you can get with talking about this worry see if they can help you because this is something you dont want to keep inside you. pleace go see your doctor.

and good luck

ruby

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