A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out that a few months before my boyfriend met me he had an affair with a married women . I found old text messages he still had on his iPhone with nude pics they sent each other. he admitted he slept with her but didn't know she was married this was before me so I had to let it go but curiosity got the best of me and I found out she had a baby in the timeline of the affair . The only reason the affair stopped was because her husband came to my boyfriends house, once again this all happened before me but the baby thing scared me and I asked my boyfriend about it. He asked how old the baby was and I told him , found this info via facebook. I asked when the last time he was with her to get a time frame and he said he didn't know that it wasn't his and to leave it alone . He didn't even seem concered !!! I would think he would want to know. He said she was married and had a baby so it's not his place to ruin the marriage !!! As his girlfriend I needed to know the truth so I asked the women straight out on FB. I wasn't rude or anything but got no reply anyways my boyfriend now called me a dumb ... Curse words because now he will have problems with her husband and said everything was my fault and I'm stupid . he says I had to business to talk to her because it was between him and her , I agree to a point but I feel it was in my right to know if he has a baby . I think he should have been the one to ask but he refused. so now he says he dose not care to see me this weekend until I think of what I did , also he would get ahold of me when he feels like it, so I told him if he feels that way maybe we should just break up and he says no we are not he just needs space . What the heck ??? Was I that wrong to want to know if he had a baby when he didn't even have a plan to ask her and didn't know the time frame ? Also I should mention the women he had an affair with is 22 and my boyfriend is 40. Her husband is only 20 . We are much older than these well kids to me. I feel he took advantage of this girl. I don't know how I feel about this... It kind of makes me sick.
View related questions:
affair, facebook, needs space, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014): Thanks Tisha-1 and Honeypie. It's Me the poster, Yes I am getting help with my Bipolar depression I actually have a Doc appt. Monday for that and one next thursday to have myself checked for stds finally since he has yet to do that . I just am checking and worrying about myself.Yes my boyfriend has caused me a lot of stress and having Bipolar doesn't help. He basically told me he didn't want to see me and was kind of ignoring me saying he needed space so I stopped calling him and he starts calling me saying he wants to see me now . So ??? Anyways, I have really started rethinking our relationship and trying to figure out if I'm really happy with him or not . I need to think more of myself I don't want to make any drastic decisions yet but I'm defiantly rethinking everything and not making him the center of my world anymore. I think I have a fear of being alone lol . I need to work on me . Thanks for all the advice everyone .
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 October 2014):
 Then ending it with him is in your favor. If your WHOLE family think he is scum, maybe they are just looking out for you? And maybe they aren't all wrong?
If he was looking for sex on CL *shudder* he is kinda of a he-whore... skank-man.. YOU can do better.
And... are you getting help the bipolar depression? If not, I'd start on that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 October 2014):
 I see you did post a follow up. I found this question http://www.dearcupid.org/question/boyfriend-used-craigslist-for-sex-hook-ups-but.html which sounds like the one you mentioned in that post.
Please go get yourself tested if you have not done so already. This guy is a sleaze bag and who knows what he's been exposed to.
And please let us know that you have safely ended this relationship! Best wishes for a happier and healthier future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2014): You have a right to know and good thing you snooped because otherwise you may never have known he even had a child. Contacting her was probably too much but then again he refused to give you answers. He doesn't care if he has a child or not and he cheated with a married woman so that tells you a lot about him as a person. He doesn't care and he doesn't care that your relationship with him is affected by all of this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2014): I don't think he necessarily took advantage of her, when I was 22 I started to find older men attractive and more on my wavelength than men my own age. I think the actions you took in the situation weren't ideal, and probably signal that you have trust issues that need some work but I don't think that your actions are the biggest problem in the scenario. This guy doesn't care to find out if it is his child? That says a huge amount about his character.
I think you should have broken up with him rather than contacted the girl. When you have to lower yourself down to do things that are questionable it's time to consider if the relationship is bringing out the best in you, it sounds like this is bringing out the worst in you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2014): I would have wanted to know too. So I don't blame you for that He should have been the one to figure it out and in him not doing so just shows what kind of man he is . I say move on.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 October 2014):
What good is that information to you?
In my opinion your curiosity sounds more like snooping. Some things are not your business, you should know that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2014): Thanks for all the advice I didn't want to make an account on here , the insults were enough lol. I do feel like crap about what I did . I posted a question earlier on this site about how my boyfriend used craigslist for sex hook ups a month before he met me and got a lot of good advice from people so thought I would give it another try. As for stalking anyone I don't plan to contact her again only had to know for myself . My boyfriend still seems unconcerned and quite frankly I think you all are right I need to move on because this is just to much for me to handle . I myself do suffer with bipolar depression so thanks for the bunny boiler quote it was quite amusing and a wake up call I have never done or been in such a dramatic situation in my life. My whole family hates this man and has begged me for months to leave him. Just last week I found in his phone he has been going to massage places but like the dirty kind that get busted on the news. I know I shouldn't look at his phone but with him hiding it all the time and just the whole situation I'm glad I did. "we both have each other's passwords on our phones now too so he also looks at mine just to add that". I guess that makes me bad , so be it . I would be better off without him and I'm sure my bank account would be too. Thanks again for snapping me out of my " crazy mode head " I needed that and thanks for the advice .
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 October 2014):
Wow, just wow.
I can't believe how MUCH you violated HIS and HER privacy, because you had a "hunch". If you felt his actions were so appalling, why not WALK away from this sordid mess instead of sticking your nose where (IF I MAY BE HONEST) do not belong.
Now I get that you first violated his privacy on his phone and once you saw pictures you weren't satisfied? You wanted somehow to know ALL about this girl and the affair? HOW is that your business at all?
I mean to be very frank, you story had creepy bunny-boiler all over it.
I think you went a kicked a hornet's nest.
I would seriously NOT date this guy. He obviously don't give two fly fart about whether he fathered a child or not. The woman MIGHT be young, but she is an adult and she KNEW what she was doing was cheat. The thing is YOU don't know her marriage. You actually have no need to know her marriage. SHE might not even care who the daddy is either. She might, if her marriage doesn't last come after your bf later on, and he will have to pay up. The thing is, I think what you did was crossing so many lines of what is OK, and what is not OK.
And your BF? What a piece of ....
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2014):
 I have a lot of issues here with this whole situation, so I'm going to number them to keep my thoughts straight on this.
1. How did you "find" old text messages on his iphone? What gave you the right to snoop on his phone and invade his privacy? I for one do not agree that the end justifies the means. Ultimately, it could have ended your relationship.
2. Tisha pegged you too...it sounds "internet stalkerish". You snooped on his phone and found out about his past before he met you. Fine. Now, you're snooping into HER story? What is she to you? Why involve yourself in her life that had nothing to do with your relationship?
3. CONTACTING her?! If she is a cheater, you're not an OB/GYN, so unless you are, how are you to know whose baby this is? Why not talk to your boyfriend about the possibility and let HIM pursue the DNA thing? You had zero business contacting her. It's really creepy.
4. That's completely appalling that you're asking HIM when the last time (to the date) he had SEX with her was?! Who DOES that?! You're neither a doctor, lawyer, police officer, or anything. It's not your place to do that.
5. I think you SHOULD break up with him now. You already have trust issues. You already know his character now. Your obsessiveness has just destroyed your relationship. Time to move on, because you don't realize that in your quest to obsess over his past woman, you destroyed a child's emotional life. "Guess what, Junior? I'm not your daddy! Your mommy's a cheater and a paternity fraudster!" Stuff like this has to be done with 10,000 times more sensitivity than a jealous girlfriend's snooping and contacting, especially since you HAVE no proof...just a hunch. You don't pull that stuff without proof or you can ruin innocent lives...like the kid's!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 October 2014):
I think wanting to know if he had a baby with the very young woman he had an affair with is reasonable. When you found this response "I asked when the last time he was with her to get a time frame and he said he didn't know that it wasn't his and to leave it alone . He didn't even seem concered" would have been enough for me to end the relationship with the boyfriend.
You now know the truth that your boyfriend doesn't want to know if he fathered a child... what else do you need to know? She's young and so is her husband but they are adults.
You are now running the risk of becoming an internet stalker type. This baby and this couple have no connection to you other than the dubious person you chose to date. Let them be and end the relationship and do not communicate or try to 'fix' this any longer. You have done enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 October 2014):
 I don't think there are enough real life examples to show whether it's right or wrong to do this, I myself would have done the same thing. Of course on the Maury show cases like this could be common. It is within your right to know if he has a baby because that would affect your decision to stay with him. He could defend that he didn't know she was married, or didn't know she got pregnant after the affair was finished. Now he has no excuse to not do a dna test. He's angry with you because now he is losing sleep, thinking what if the baby was his. So it's your fault that he cheated and he's potentially a father. It's your fault that you ruined their marriage. How amazing he could just get away with cheating and blame everything on you. I guess it's your fault too if his sperms got in her first. He didn't take advantage of her. She's married so they were both using each other. Now you are punished for wanting the truth. Not really he just couldn't face you with the embarrassment. He doesn't want to think what happens next if he is indeed the father.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (17 October 2014):
 I don't blame you for wanting to know. The impact of this possibly being his kid is enormous. It really should have been your bf to contact her about the pregnancy, but he just wants to bury his head in the sand about it, because it is too much stress for him to deal with. It sounds like your boyfriend's baggage is stressing you out. Hopefully your relationship will be able to survive this obstacle, but I sense that you are thinking of ending it more than he does. You sound like a very direct person, while your bf sounds like he avoids conflict at all cost. Your philosophical approach to life is different. Hopefully the two of you can work through this and find a way to balance each other out.
...............................
|
