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Wants to see another female but why?

Tagged as: Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 December 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 14 December 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi there. My boyfriend told me that he wants to hang out with a female friend of his. He's mentioned her a bit in the past - they used to work together - but nothing more. He saw my reaction to it - I was immediately against the idea - and then he said that he won't go because he can see I'm not happy. He'll limit their contact to messaging/emailing. BTW, SHE asked HIM to coffee sometime.

I can't shake the bad feeling I have.

The fact that he WANTED to go and left it up to me made me feel a bit funny. I don't know if I'm being paranoid. He did say that he wouldn't hang with his friend if it upsets me 'cause he doesn't want to ruin our relationship or make me sad. I know it's good that he spoke up about this before going ahead with it, but why do I feel strange?

I was thrown by him saying that he wanted to hang with her, so I asked if he would be interested in her if I wasn't in his life. He said he couldn't say because he's interested in me. That made me worry that he might be into her. I can't help wondering if he's attracted to her and he's just biding his time with me for now. But if he has feelings and doesn't act on them, is that okay? Do people get crushes on others when they're in a relationship? I have never really experienced this. I don't know what to feel or how to go about this situation. But it's bugging me.

Another point: When he's mentioned women in the past, it's felt different. For instance, he has a friend he never sees but who had feelings for him years ago. When he told me about it, he said that he'd never date her in a million years. But with this friend, he never actually said anything like that. It was all left up in the air. He wanted to hang with her because they share a hobby but when I asked him if she could be interested in him, he said he didn't know and it would be impossible to know. It felt like it was all up in the air a bit.

Oh, to give you a bit more insight: we've been together over a year now and everything's been really great. I've never had anything happen to make me feel insecure or worried about him. This is the first time. I guess there's a first for everything...

I'd like to hear some thoughts on this because i'm not sure how to deal with these feelings. Thanks.

View related questions: crush, insecure

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (14 December 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to be less clingy. If they are friends then it should be okay that they hang out. If she does not know about you then yes that needs to be rectified. But maybe he really did just want to catch up with her. I have friends who are guys and if my man told me he wasn't comfortable meeting them I would be deeply upset that he did not trust me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2016):

I disagree as there a post on here regarding a guy who cheated as he become to involved with a work colleague and now wonders why his new gf the one he cheated with has issue and think he cheat. Sometimes spending to much time with an opposite friend leads to temptation.esp if there attraction . Which he not saying there isn't .

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (9 December 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt's respectful that he asked, but he shouldn't have to have an almost non-existent social life to keep you happy.

If she doesn't know about you, he needs to tell her. If she does, he should be able to have female friends and hang out with them.

Thing is, OP, people need friends (of any gender) and if they're going to cheat, they'll do it regardless of whether they have female friends.

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A female reader, Slippers  United Kingdom +, writes (9 December 2016):

Frankly, I think you have ever right would he like you doing the same .. wait a fortnight and give it a whirl start talking about a guy you know and say oo we have some many things in common .. see his reaction .. I think spending one to one time with people we are attracted to is really pouring oil onto a fire . But everyone will have their opinion that's just mine

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 December 2016):

Honeypie agony auntDoes this girl know about you? That he HAS a GF? If not, I'd find it iffy too. If she does... Less iffy.

If he sees her as a work-friend or former co-worker only, I don't see what coffee can hurt. Maybe he wanted to hang out with her because they share that hobby and he likes to talk about that with someone who is as enthused as he is?

To me, a person ISOLATING themselves for the sake of their partner will at some point become either clingy and needy because they have NOONE else or just unhappy. You mention that he doesn't SEE his friends either so he won't "offend" you? Why can he not hang out with friends? Why would HIM having a social life RUIN the relationship? I don't get it.

I think it was nice that he asked you, but in all honesty, I don't think it's up to you to pick his friends or tell him who he can socialize with. But maybe the FACT that he asked "permission" is what makes you go :" Hmmmm? What's up with this chick?" And I think it's a little weird that he asked.

If I were you I'd HOPE that I was dating someone I can trust to RESPECT the relationship without having to isolate himself.

Do you trust him? Has he given you any reason NOT to trust him? You say it's been great and there is no real reason for you to feel this way, so why aren't you giving him trust? Why not tell him I trust you to respect our boundaries and relationship, so sure go have coffee.

This whole post makes you seem insecure and controlling - more like a parent and child relationship. Where HE asks for permission to befriend people. That is odd to me.

Do you think he asked you because he KNEW you would not like it and thus he could tell the other girl :" sorry my GF doesn't allow it" ? Or because he thinks if you are OK with it, he can do what he wants? Because you said yes?

Now I get that we sometimes get those " tingly spidey senses" to go off and I DO think it's good to pay attention to them.

So IS it this particular girl you get a vibe from or from him?

Could he have a crush on her? Yes, it's possible. People in relationships and marriage doesn't go blind, deaf, and dumb. They don't stop noticing attractive people around them or liking people - WHETHER they ACT on it or not is a whole other story. It IS possible to be faithful and get an occasional crush.

And even if your post makes me feel like you are the insecure one, I'm kind of wondering if your BF brought up this girl and hanging out to get a reaction from you. To make you feel a little on edge. Kind of him "showing" you that there ARE other girls out there interested in him. To "boost" his own ego and let you know how "lucky" you are to date him.

Again we are BOTH now perhaps OVER ANALYSING the situation.

My advice? If she knows about you, maybe suggest you all 3 go out for coffee because she sounds like an interesting person. See how he reacts.

Or ask him if the roles were reversed would he be OK with you going out for coffee with a male co-worker.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2016):

He's testing your boundaries and he's got past the lets do things together setup.

If you wanted to go to a jacuzzi or swimming club and your friend was a guy who was into that as a hobby alarm bells might ring.

You can deal with it how you feel suits you.Maybe develop some hobbies of your own!

In a way I think he's testing to see if you say "ok you two hang out for sure and I'll see you back here at 8pm..or if you throw a thats-not-ok wobbler.

It looks to me like you are not ok with it and the chances are he will go ahead anyway, say he's with the guys and then come back to you.

You might not like it as a long term relationship so test the boundaries yourself a bit!

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