A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've never been much of a romantic; I don't really believe in love at first sight, or soul mates, and far prefer my relationship to be based on practical criteria over emotions (we have common interests, we have good conversations, we have a similar value and moral system, etc.) But there's one thing that I've always wanted in a relationship, that might be considered "romantic." I'm wondering if it's too unrealistic an expectation, or if it's worth holding onto. I've always wanted LUST at first sight. That whole scenario of looking across a room, seeing someone and saying to yourself," GOLLY are they hot/attractive. I just gotta meet them." The problem is, guys never approach me. Every relationship I've had, began because I pursued the guy and the guy decided to date me because of my personality. For example, I'm sort of seeing a guy right now, and last night I asked what he thought when he first saw me. His response was," Oh I didn't notice you until you introduced yourself.That really hurt. It turns out he wasn't attracted to me at all (he said he "just didn't think about it") until well into the conversation when he found out I had similar interests and had an idea of my personality. My friends tell me I should be thrilled that a guy likes me for my personality, that "looks fade and are superficial" and that physical attraction isn't that big of a deal anyway. But I have a lot of insecurities about how I look, and it makes the relationship feel.... worthless, somehow. How can you sustain a romantic relationship when the guy isn't into your looks, or is only attracted to you based on your personality?? Isn't that called a friendship? And-maybe it sounds silly-but I imagine telling the story of how Mom and Dad met to my kids. "Oh, I saw him across the room, and he looked like so much fun and was so adorable I was instantly attracted." "Yeah, I totally didn't notice your mom cause I was too busy checking out hot chicks."I also want my partner to see me as, if not THE most beautiful woman in the world, at least exist among them. But all of my boyfriends have at best seen me as "cute." Not sexy, or beautiful, or pretty, but "cute" while drooling over other women they see out and about. It makes me wonder if wanting my partner to see me as hot is an unrealistic expectation. I can't imagine it's that high of a hurdle, and yet in the 12 years I've been interested in boys (I'm 28) I've never been able to achieve it. If you're unattractive, do you just have to accept that no one is ever going to love you for your looks? So is it a difference between being alone, or dealing with your partner not finding you physical attractive?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2017):
 It sounds like you have been watching to many movies. Real life is not like a film. Most people don't notice each other the first time, they don't get that feeling off lust. The just meet and get to know each other. Your friends are right looks do fade, and lets face it if these guys didn't find you attractive would they be dating you? I think you are over thinking everything.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 June 2017):
 You have way too much free time on your hands to be thinking about all this!
Life is short and time is fleeting. Cherish what you have. At least you have a personality that people like. That automatically puts you ahead of most others!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): Here's food for thought. What if the guy who does find you ravishing and hot; isn't your idea of a hot guy? You need a little dose of reality here.
Do you notice or reject men based on their appearance? Do you ignore guys unless he meets a certain criteria in order to flatter your own ego? A plain or average-guy may not set as high of a standard for looks; as an especially good-looking guy. Who knows he's a looker.
If those are the guys you want to be noticed by; you and he are both setting high-standards based on superficial criteria. Your friends were right. Looks fade, and if they like your personality; they genuinely like you for you. If you weren't pretty enough to get their attention; they'd brush you off, or find an excuse to ditch you on the spot.
Unless you're coming on strong, and they know there will be sex. Looks don't matter after last call.
If you need to hear the words, I'm sure sooner or later you'll run into a player who'll tell you what you want to hear, and more.
Sorry, but life often doesn't play-out according to a movie script; or the fantasy-plan we've devised in our imaginations.
Everyone has a fantasy; but it's best to stick to reality. It's flattering to be told you're hot; but it's pretty much an over-the-top come-on. Kind of cheesy. The reaction is more likely to be rolled-eyes or a blank-stare. Everyone wants to meet the higher-standard of looks than the cards nature has dealt us. That's why the beauty-industry and plastic surgeons make billions.
If your visual-standards for appearance are far above average for men; they're more likely to set a very high (if not even higher) standard for you as well.
Have you ever outright told a guy he was hot? Would you want to deal with his arrogance and ego once it goes to his head?
You are the more assertive-type. You're not afraid to pursue what you want; some guys may take you for the feminist kind of girl, One who might be offended by cheesy-chauvinist flirtations. If they say you're cute, they are placing you in a more natural, real, and approachable category. The pretty girl next-door. Everybody wants her.
For some guys, the word "hot" may only be reserved for super-models and actresses. Kept stashed-away in their limited frat-boy vocabulary. They may rarely tell a girl that to her face. If they do, they're idolizing her; or he's sh*t-faced drunk.
Honestly, she had better hold-up to that standard of perfection. The minute they find a flaw, she falls from grace. If he wakes-up next to you and you don't look as good as the night before. Girlfriend, don't be surprised when he doesn't call! To be expected from the narcissistic studly types.
If you're a lovely-lady who runs in the cuteness-range on the spectrum of beauty; but manages to get any guy she wants. Girl, you're bound to run across mostly a bunch of tools or knuckleheads who only consider plastic Barbies on the level of hotness. The right guy simply hasn't crossed your path yet. That's where you have to stop at the cliff-hanger, and wait for the sequel... "to be continued!"
You don't meet the best guys in bars and clubs.
You have to work your assets for what they're worth, and have the self-confidence and inner-beauty that enhances your outer-appearance. They work in sync. Ugly inside, ugly outside. A pretty-face and hot-bod can be a she-demon in disguise. Her hotness will still fade with time. She'll struggle pathetically to stay young and maintain her fading glamour.
If you don't believe you're beautiful, you won't believe it when you hear it anyway.
If you go around trying to telepathically make guys tell you you're hot and beautiful; you'll be disappointed. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Compliments are not always heartfelt. Narcissists will tell you, only to take it back!
Words are only meaningful and connect emotionally when they're said from his heart. Not because you want to hear them to flatter your vanity. That's a players most effective tool!
You're focusing on the wrong things in a guy. You're also looking for the wrong kinds of guys.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (2 June 2017):
 How do you sustain a relationship when a guy isn't into your looks? By having a good personality...it's quite simple really.
You're friends are spot on. If all you care about are looks then you're very shallow and unless you also like their personality or share similar interests then the relationship simply wouldn't last.
Why would you want people to think "She's hot, I'd love to sleep with her"? What would that achieve by people thinking you're 'hot'? Would it make more people approach you? Probably not. Would more than likely have an adverse effect of people being afraid to approach.
Why do you think this guy doesn't find you attractive? Just because that wasn't the first thing he said you're instantly unattractive?
I'd say it's more a silly expectation than an unrealistic one, in that you value that of higher importance than someone enjoying your company for who you are as opposed to what you look like.
You are currently speaking to someone and I'm sure you've had other BFs in the past. Does that in itself not tell you that people are finding you attractive? I highly doubt that this guy doesn't find you attractive. I think there would be very rare exceptions of couples dating where they seriously aren't sexually attracted to each other.
So say your next BF finds you absolutely stunning and then for whatever reason you gain some extra pounds and then he dumps you because he only valued you for your looks and he didn't feel you had anything to offer personality wise. Would you seriously rather have that than someone who loves you because of who you are and can see beyond physical attractiveness?
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