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Want to be more serious with him but feel guilty for flirting with someone else. Should I feel bad about this? Pleas help

Tagged as: Flirting, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 August 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 4 August 2018)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hello i am 16 years old and have never really been in a serious relationship. The last time i was in a relationship was a year ago and it only lasted a week, so i don’t count it. I am currently talking to a guy right now and have been flirting for a while maybe a month and i guess you can say we are talking. I really like him but about two weeks ago i flirted with this one guy jokingly and i don’t know but ever since i went out with the guy i’m talking to last sunday i just feel so guilty and feel as if it is cheating or makes me feel like a bad person. I only flirted with the guy like twice (i mean i sent like two messages that were flirty) and after i stopped replying because i was with a friend and both of us thought of it as a joke. I told my friends about it and they told me not to worry about it because it is not like me and the guy are in a relationship and i am still considered single. Also, i feel like i only went along with the flirting because i got jealous of something a while ago that he did and i also was still scared that he is just “playing” me. After our date sunday i know i truly want to be more serious with him and we are more serious and i know i would never flirt with anyone else especially if we end up being in a relationship but i just needed to know from a stranger if this is considered bad or cheating. I’m not sure if my friends are just trying to make me feel better.

View related questions: flirt, jealous

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIt’s not bad and it’s not cheating.

However, please evaluate what you mean by “serious”. 16 isn’t a good age for an adult relationship, which is what “serious” means. Having a boyfriend you’re exclusive with is okay, but anything intimate beyond kissing should wait until you’re 18. I know you haven’t mentioned that, but it’s something important to think about and discuss before committing to a relationship. Talking for a month isn’t long and rushing to grow up leads to mistakes and regrets, so please be careful. Go slower than you want to or you will be more vulnerable to being used.

Reading you write “i am 16 years old and have never really been in a serious relationship” makes me concerned and sad; there’s this idea that teenagers are supposed to be having serious relationships and having sex, but 95+% of those relationships don’t last very long and only about 1% last into adulthood, even fewer get married. Teenagers are full of hormones and it often causes them to make silly decisions and fall deep into infatuation that feels like love, but isn’t - particularly girls. Teenage relationships are dreamy, but almost always full of drama - something that’s pretty inevitable.

Please, when you start getting carried away (we all do), remind yourself that you’re still very young and not yet mature enough to handle adult relationships or “serious” ones and neither are any of the boys around your age. That doesn’t mean go looking for older boys either! ;)

Out of curiosity, how old is the boy you’re talking to?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2018):

I have some good news for you. You're only 16, and you won't be in a serious relationship until you are in your 20's!

As long as you are physically-growing (that can be until you are 21) your mind is still developing into an adult brain. So until you are an adult mentally and physically; you don't have to do any thing too seriously. Including what you want to call a relationship!

You and the boy are only talking. It's nothing official; so that means you are not yet exclusive (seeing or talking to nobody else). So flirting is okay. Just don't go overboard, like kissing or hanging-out together. Not when someone is showing you he's interested in you. He has to do more than lay claims on you, he has to show how interested he is.

Like you said, he could be playing you along, just because he likes your attention. Maybe that's all.

Until you both have decided and agreed to see only each other, and have more serious relationship. You haven't done anything wrong. Cheating is a far more serious than a couple of flirty text messages! You're not even in a relationship to boot!

Don't be too dramatic. Keep the mind of a 16 year-old school girl; and keep life fun and amazing. Your innocence is what makes this time in your life so great. You have plenty of time to start feeling guilt and living in drama. Don't start now, when life is supposed to be carefree. You want to be serious? Be serious about your schoolwork and your grades. Anything else is just a piece of cake!

Here's some fatherly advice. Boys at your age are far from serious. So you'll find that you'll be serious and dramatic about relationships mostly by yourself!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (4 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, you are 16. Why do youngsters these days want to grow up so fast? You seem perplexed that you have not had a "serious" relationship yet. I should hope not, at your age! And you have been out on ONE date with this lad. Why are you so keen to be "serious"? What does that even mean? You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Slow down, chill and enjoy yourself instead of over-thinking everything and wanting to do everything NOW.

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