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Want advice on dealing with loneliness, pursuing goals and courage to talk to the people I want to

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Question - (13 August 2019) 2 Answers - (Newest, 27 August 2019)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

ive just finished my degree and have no academic plans for the next term as I have never known what to do job wise and I still don't which is why I haven't decided to pursue anymore courses.

as a result of finishing my degree I basically have not a lot to do , I work in a café twice a week and I will be volunteering at a women's centre although I don't particularly want to anymore but will still be doing so to fill in my time and I also am looking for a different part time job as I now feel quite sad that most of my colleagues who I talk are leaving due to new jobs and uni so working will not be the same.

I know I definitely want to volunteer abroad next year and I am looking at different organisations , I also have set myself goals I want to achieve such as starting driving lessions , eat healthy , working on confidence and other things but I think some goals I need a lot of motivation and commitment to continue with them

I often feel rather lonely as a result of not having lots of friends and the few I do have are at work a lot and I cant always see them as often and they can be difficult to make plans with at time due to being unorganised or not always responding to texts or being busy

I already feel now that im going to feel upset with myself a lot and feel even more lonely as it is hard when you don't know what to do career wise , I still live at home with my parents and brother and I am beginning to dislike this as I just know I have got to the stage were I want to be independent , my mum is quite a difficult person and I woudnt say we have a good relationship, myself and my brother don't hardly talk unsure why but hes just an awkward person , my relationship with my father has always been rather ok . family issues are also another factor that contributes to how I feel .

to help myself not feel lonely I have been wanting to talk to new people but I find this hard as I don't know a lot of people in general , up to now there have been 3 people who I am interested in getting to know better but I think it would be difficult for the following reasons.

1- a girl I met at a nighclub - we exchanged numbers but she was a bit tipsy so may not even remember me.

2 - a man I met at a bar - I feel I may creep him out but im not entirely sure why .

3 - a man who has in his 40s so there is a bit of an age gap - I am just interested by him as I am an inquisitive person and I have had a few conversations with him but just don't know how to follow on a conversation and say about getting to know you on a friendship level as he may not want this and I think to myself why would he want me talking to him .

id basically like advice on finding ways to overcome feeling lonely or not as lonely , thinking of ideas to achieve my goals , creating targets that any of you agony aunt can think of and finally getting the courage to message the people I want to talk to .

View related questions: at work, confidence, exchanged numbers, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2019):

You sound exactly like me 20 years ago when I graduated. I ended up moving away to take up a graduate trainee position, on my own with no friends outside work - and the colleagues were incredibly "clique-y". It was hell on earth for two years. Every club I tried to join had the same "clique" setup. My confidence fell through the floor. I went from being one of the lads to the quiet guy sitting in the corner reading a paper or a book.

The local pub had a bit of a bad reputation, so for ages I wouldn't go near it. One day I saw a notice for "karaoke night" at the end of the month, and thought what the hey, let's give it a go. I'm so bad I'm good at karaoke... In the weeks running up to the night, I popped in just to see what all the fuss was about. People watching, from behind the paper. The locals were of all ages, of all backgrounds, and whilst there were a couple of groups who kept to themselves, the majority interacted with each other perfectly fine. I got talking to a few of the older people first, then the footballers, then the tradesmen (brickies, mechanics, sparkies) and kept my conversations short and low-key. I gradually learned that the most popular genre on the jukebox was country and western, singalong hits ("Sweet Caroline… Dah Dah Daaaaahhhh" etc) and comedy songs. So I decided if I did go to karaoke, I would have to do something that would fit in.

On the night, I opted for a Wurzels classic. I had a silly wig with me, plonked it on, and just went for it. It had the whole pub in hysterics. And I won the Performance Of The Night. After that, and ever since, I've not had a problem. The lads welcomed me as a fellow loon, they invited me out, introduced me to other people, and through that I have had job offers too.

So my advice is: If you want to build up your social circle, start slow. Don't try to force yourself into their lives, just wait till they are used to you being around. Then, when they know you well enough, you won't need to push yourself - it will all come naturally. If you live near a pub, believe me it's the best place to go as there is usually a good mix of people.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 August 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI'd say one thing at a time.

Start with figuring out WHAT you can USE your degree in, as far as careers. And see if there is something there YOU are interested in. It seems rather backwards to just work on a degree with no goals in mind.

You might want to consider setting up a meeting with a career guidance counselor at the school you just went to. So they can help you find a path.

Volunteering is great. I think it's a corner-stone of life. To help others.

HOWEVER, if you WANT to move out of your parents house and GET on with a LIFE on your own, working twice a week is just not going to cut it. No one can live on that. So you need to FOCUS on a career or a PATH in life. Volunteering overseas is again, great but it won't help you achieve your goal of independence.

As for talking to people. Well, I think you are WAY better off learning how to small talk with strangers. I know, it sounds weird but it is GREAT practice. So when out and about have little chats with those you interact with. Customers at the Cafe, the lady at the checkout counter or the mailman. DOESN'T really matter who. Just aware that not everyone have the time for it, and when the "chat" is over. Messaging people you don't REALLY know is I think on the "iffy" side. I see people try and get to know someone over social media that they either admire or just want to get to know, but it goes nowhere.

So I'd work on those social skills first.

As for the 3 people you mentioned.

1. the tipsy girl. WHY not contact her and say hi? If she doesn't remember you, HER loss. But what if she DOES? You got nothing to lose.

2. You "felt" you might creep him out but you can't explain it. MAKES no sense. If he GAVE you his number, he wasn't creeped out. If he didn't and you "stalk" his social media. STOP. That can be CREEPY.

3. The older guy. If you are ALWAYS the one initiating conversations then he is JUST being polite but not interested in anything here and THAT you need to respect and back off. And if he is married, friendship is probably NOT in the cards and THAT you need to respect to.

What are you interested in? Hobbies? Sport? Art? Cooking? Movies? Music? Maybe your interest can be a "gate-way" to MEET more people. To MAKE new friends.

But I think your primary goal should be trying to find WHAT you want to DO with your life. You are in the 22-25 age group which means you parents really aren't responsible for putting a roof over your head. It's time to STAND on your own two feet. I know, it's not easy.

So make a PLAN. SET some goals.

You have getting a divers license on the list. WHAT do you require to achieve that goal?

What driving schools (or the equivalent) are in your area and how much will it cost? Which means you CALL around, check prices and then you make a budget. You might even have to look for more work, even a job that has nothing to do with your degree. But, START on that goal, don't just make "pretty" plans but FOLLOW THROUGH.

Career. GO SEE a guidance counselor (or call them) and figure out WHAT you can use your degree for, do you need ADDITIONAL education or work experience etc. Or look up online and see what OPTIONS for a career field your degree can offer, pick something you are interested in ad PURSUE a job in that field. Doesn't mean you can't get a full time job like fast food or server, maid, office worker etc. WHILE you find a job you really want.

I get that you want to make more friends and I think it's IMPORTANT ,but... you need to also FOCUS on your future.

So start "small" like the driver's license. And then GO AFTER it! DO it. Don't just "think about it".

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