A
female
age
36-40,
*ynchrohobbit
writes:I have been in a relationship for 3 1/2 years, and engaged for 2 1/2 of those, but with absolutely no wedding plans. We started dating when we were 20 and he was/is my very first relationship; I had had sex with other people before that but no dating. Recently I have felt incredibly trapped or uncomfortable, but I am intensely afraid of losing the only person who ever loved me. We have generally similar personalities but the divide between our interests has seemed to grow. I like science-fiction/fantasy and comedy entertainment, he likes dramas and action; I like hip-hop and classical music, he likes country and rock; I like kids and have a great deal of experience with them, he has none; I like having down time, he is a workaholic; I like to go out to clubs, he likes to hang out with old guys.This makes it sound horrible, but he is very supportive and really really loves me, I just worry I don't love him as much as he loves me. He is a very emotional person, and I am not, and this does cause some stress. Another main issue is his $20,000 credit card debt, which he is planning to wipe out with bankruptcy but so far I have had to be the one to take all the initiative on that.I am just so concerned that this is a phase and I will regret it in a month if I do break up, but sometimes it seems like it might be better for both of us. I don't really have anyone to talk to because most of my girlfriends are single, and they a) see being a relationship as only a positive and b) could feel competitive if I became single. I feel very alone not being able to talk to anyone, since the person I usually talk to would be my fiance. This is much longer than I planned but any and all advice is welcome.
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bankrupt, debt, engaged, fiance, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, synchrohobbit +, writes (17 June 2011):
synchrohobbit is verified as being by the original poster of the question Original poster here:
Just thought I'd update and clarify. The debate about breaking up has actually been coming from both ends; he feels the exact same way. It is just complicated because we do still care about one another, we just think that we might be happier with other people. We have started figuring out the logistics of a "break," just so we both have time to think. We need to both overcome our fear that if we lose one another we will never find love again. Thanks for all the input.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 I can understand why you're so conflicted... as its such a big decision and a decision of the heart at that- you really need to look inward for answers.
So let me pose you some questions to think about for yourself:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/seriously-debating-whether-to--break-up-or.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): you sound a lot like my ex. she constantly complained about our differences. i enjoy chill bars, she liked clubs. i like to have down time to myself, she had to have constant stimulation. i love intellectual conversation and education, she couldn't give a damn less. i'm into watching tv, she hates it. i show my love through actions, she does through words. you name it. anyway, the thing is, i learned to accept her for who she was and love her despite. the things i felt i was lacking i realized weren't worth what i was ultimately gaining. i learned to accept our differences. she, on the other hand, never could. she'd broken up with me a couple of times for that very reason, only to come crawling back after she realized what she broke up with me for was peanuts compared to the real love and connection we had with one another. but she continued to doubt me, after every time i took her back. when she broke up with me a third time for the same crap, i finally blocked her from my phone and facebook, etc. she since has been freaking out trying to reach me and talk to me and begged me to come back. i never will. it's over. she messed up one too many times. she should have realized what she had when she had it.my point being, these things might seem like such a huge deal to you now, but if you leave him and lose him, you may come to realize those differences really weren't that bad in the first place. if you're going to leave him, make ABSOLUTE certain that's exactly what you want before you do it. my ex will tell you that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): True love supercedes circumstances and common interests. As long as you love, respect and admire each other, the indicators you list as obstacles are all temporary. That said, it isn't love if you are more afraid of being OUT of love. Fear of being alone is not a reason to stay in a relatioship. It is just a security blanket. Sometimes you have to weather a storm to see the sun.
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