A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you shake off being a virgin?While I have kissed a couple girls and have been sexual with some, I feel down on myself for not having had intercourse. I've read articles on this site, other sites about not feeling bad about it but it seems like hot air. It makes me too scared to approach women out of the blue and the number of approaches I've made I can count on two hands. Deep down I know I have a lot to offer but its like the universe is telling me I dont because I'm not having sex.I resent some of my more distant friends who get around. I keep this as a secret to myself except for one female friend I have that knows. She lies to me too about being myself when being myself has had no results.Uncles who lost your virginity at a later stage, how did you do it? Aunts, how can I lose it quicker? This messes with my head and I dont want to settle down with a girl that has tons more sexual experience than me when shes my first. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2016): As a fat ugly geeky male virgin, I'm jealous that you've actually kissed girls. I've never even done that. I wish I had some advice but since I have no experience I can't help you.
What I can say though is calm down. The fact that you are letting it eat you alive is the path to not getting ahead. Maybe start befriending more and more girls without thinking about sex as a goal.
But like I said, I can't really help you since I have no success story. Maybe be happy you're not like me? I don't know.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): Hi jls022, I meant approaching women in places people usually do like in bars. I missed out on a lot of socializing not moving away for college so I never had huge parties or massive amount of alcohol for liquid courage. I was in a close knit college and feared asking out a girl out that I knew/was friends with because I didnt want her to turn me down or talk badly to her friends I've only gotten two numbers approaching women and they were people I dont know and people I'd never see again(unless I wanted).Starting next year I'll be working as a med student in different hospitals. I'll have my own place 20- 40 minutes from some of the hospitals. I could try with nurses/other med students there but theres a professionalism risk and the chance the nurses could be 40+ married and have kids and husbands,or be guys
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (22 May 2016):
I also meant to add - you mentioned your fear that a girl will laugh at you for being sexually inexperienced. I want you to trust me on this, if a girl has reached the stage where she's just about to have sex with you, the last thing she'll be thinking about is laughing at you.
One key thing to remember about people OP, is that they can be rather self-obsessed at times. Particularly when they are getting naked with someone for the first time. If anything, it's much more likely that she'll be wondering if you like her body, or if she'll be able to please you, because she will have her own insecurities to worry about. Everyone does, it's just that most people don't allow these insecurities to become so big they hold them back from experiencing a fulfilling sex life.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (22 May 2016):
Ok OP you've given us a lot more information and a few contradictions in your latest post.
"I am interested in relationships. Nowhere did say I wasnt."
Except in your first post where you said you don't want to settle down with a girl who has more sexual experience than you; and how you want to look back when you are 65 at all the sex you had. You didn't ask how to find a loving relationship, you asked how to get sex quickly and easily. That's why people have suggested that your attitude is to blame/you might be coming across as a creep. We can only go on what you write here so don't take it personally.
"If a girl was 30 and she never had a long term relationship wouldnt she feel desperate?"
Not necessarily. My sister is 27 and has never been in a relationship at all (or had sex for that matter) and she's far from desperate. She has focused on her studies and career and is only just starting to branch out into the dating world, yet she's not stressing about it because she's taken the path that's right for her. And if she did feel desperate? I'd give her the exact same advice as I gave you. Men run from desperation just like women do. The only way to get over desperation is to increase your confidence which in turn will help you realise that in time the right woman will come along. Instead of desperately searching for validation from random women in order to build up said confidence (which won't work anyway).
"I joined dating apps. I even approached some women my age at the mall and got a few numbers. It dies off after a date or two because my schedule tends to be a lot busier than theirs and unless I'm with them in school it fails."
In your original post you said you are too scared to approach, yet it seems you have been. And better yet, you are getting dates! It is now clear that the reason these dates haven't progressed is you don't have time to date. I'm not really sure what we can say to you about that. You're not going to find many women who will enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't have time for even one date a week. I'd take that as a sign he wasn't that interested if I'm honest. So maybe you will need to wait until your schedule frees up more? Remember, you have to think about what you are offering the woman and one date every 2 weeks isn't really enough for most.
So now we have more information, it seems to me that your two main problems are as follows:
1. You don't have time to date anyone. You are getting dates so women do like you, but you are not in a position to offer them what they need right now.
2. Your mindset. You refer to propaganda and the cultural narrative that calls you a loser for being a virgin, but there is just as much out there dismissing that view yet you refer to it as 'hot air'. If you continually seek out information that backs up your viewpoint and dismiss all else, then you will be stuck in this rut forever. If you start listening to the aunts and uncles on here, and your friends, and looking at the FACTS (ie - that you are getting dates with women so they must find you attractive), then you'll be able to see your virginity for what it is - no big deal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I am interested in relationships. Nowhere did say I wasnt. It would be too long a reponse if I put in everything about myself in one question. I did once think ai only wanted hookups anf one night stands but not anymore. I have many friends that are female. Closer female friends than guy friends except for two. My best friend is actually a girl. I dont think I can pull off a ONS without getting attached to the girl either. I've accepted that about myself after A LOT OF WORK. How do I eliminate the desperation? If a girl was 30 and she never had a long term relationship wouldnt she feel desperate? It's a huge narrative I'm fighting and in my mind the older I get the more I imagine the scenario that I will have sex with a girl I like one day and she'll laugh at me.I joined dating apps. I even approached some women my age at the mall and got a few numbers. It dies off after a date or two because my schedule tends to be a lot busier than theirs and unless I'm with them in school it fails. I went on a date with a girl from one of these apps this week. We got dinner and I worked to my strengths and was a good listener. She did laugh a lot. But I'm studying for a career determining exam, and cant have a date a week.Garbo is right I need a girlfriend that I adore but I dont seem to find her. My best bet is someone who works in the field I do but how well can I speak to women during a 12 hour shift saving lives.In response to what jls022 said, I can make a girl feel special. I know I did that for my ex. I can be the rock a woman turns to for support. I can help her through rough times. With her I stopped watching porn for two years, stopped finding other girls atractive(seriously didnt even think of having sex with another girl, even fantasy, one time)., drove an hour to her house as a 17 year for a week straight, when she was sick and took care of het home alone when her parents went on vacation. I have a lot to offer but the mountains of propaganda calling me a loser for a virgin, or a creep as seen in this post, messes with my head and It makes me focus on the sex part.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 You are missing the point, as long as sex is your end goal and you are not interested in meeting girls, having conversations with them, or just socialising or building relationships you are not going to progress very far or fast. The sex act takes two willing participants and you seem to be forgetting that.
I am also concerned your habit of watching porn may have raised false impressions or expectations about girls, and their expectations about boys and sex.
Your language seems to indicate you think sex is a commodity that should be available to you, its not. I don’t understand why you don’t realise that sex usually happens after some sort of connection between two people ….. what are you doing to connect with girls?
You need a complete turnaround, you need to remove sex, and being able to look back at age 65 to marvel at the amount of sex you have had, as the main focus of your life…. And its no good just pretending to change your focus in order to get sex either, not only can women and girls spot sexual desperation in a man they can also detect when somebody is being a fake and a flake.
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female
reader, Ormskirk360 +, writes (22 May 2016):
 You don't want to use a sex worker because you disagree worth women being used then discarded. Yet, you make no mention of wanting to get into a relationship and making a woman feel loved; only that you want sex. So... You are in effect contradicting yourself, by insisting you only want sex; THAT'S using and discarding women. Compensating a sex worker for services rendered is not.
Are you seriously surprised you aren't getting any when the message you are putting out is that you want as much sex as you can get with anyone/everyone you can, so you can, in your eyes, be labelled a stud, and the women then must be happy for you to ditch them while you find your next conquest?!
And you're too proud to uae a sex worker, yet not too proud to fuck and chuck anyone whose pants you can get into.
My bet would be that you aren't getting any because you're a creeper, and women can smell your desperation a mile off. Nobody is going to put out for you when you are only interested in where you can sick your dick.
True gentleman right there. I just don't understand it (eye roll).
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (22 May 2016):
Here we are again OP, looking for the magic trick to get women to suddenly stop what they are doing and throw themselves at you without you having to put any effort into it at all.
I've asked you this before and I'll ask you again, what are you OFFERING these women to make them want to have sex with you? And don't say you'll work hard to please them sexually because while men look for sex for the sexual release, it's a lot more complicated for a woman. While an orgasm is a bonus, what awoman really wants is to feel desired and sexy and MOST IMPORTANTLY, that she's special. Not that she is the first available vagina that came along. OP people don't want to be seen as a means to an end. Just like you don't want to be the 'safe choice' for a woman as you've put it before, they don't want to be an ego boost or notch on the bedpost for you.
Being desperate is bad enough OP. People can smell it on you a mile away and all it does is reduces your value in others eyes. Like the salesman who reduces the price of his product by 80% to get the sale. If he acts like he is desperate to get a sale at any cost, it makes the buyer question how valuable the item is to begin with. If even the salesman believes no-one else might want it then why should they? This is how it works with dating and sex too.
Desperation basically stems from fear. Fear that if you don't lock sex/a relationship/whatever you are looking for down asap, you'll miss your chance. Whereas non-desperate people realise that they are worthy of whatever it is they seek and if another person doesn't see that, it's their loss and there are plenty more that will.
The problem you have OP, is that you are both desperate and doing nothing about it - a toxic mix if ever there was one. Not only are you sending out messages that you are desperate for sex with practically anyone, but you are also waiting for someone to approach you to give you it. But why would they?
It's human nature for people to look for the 'highest value' partner they can find. A guy who believes he is high value will go out and sell himself (metaphorically speaking) until he finds a woman who agrees. You are sitting on the sidelines feeling sorry for yourself and waiting for women to see the value within you without even trying to show her it's there. So how will she know?
OP you need to adjust your perspective before you get anywhere with this. Dating is effectively a marketplace and the salesman who confidently believes his product is best will attract people. The one who keeps his (equally good) product locked in the back of his car waiting for people to ask to see it? Will never sell a thing.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (22 May 2016):
 I always wondered why those men who crave sex so much don't get themselves a loving GF because then they will get all the sex that they want, when they want it and in unlimited quantity. Instead, lot of men decide that they will look for meaningless hookups which are infrequent then complain that they aren't getting any.
So, a fix for a man who craves sex is very simple: look for a GF whom you can love and sex will come in such abundance thereafter that you will ask for breaks.
Same in your case. Focus on finding a woman whom you can love, respect and adore so when she does the same for you, the amount of sex that will occur will be so enormous that the issue will be taken off the table. That is what the universe is telling you as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I had one relationship but she made it clear she liked me and there was little risk. I regret that she wanted to wait til college because I wouldnt have this problem now. I know its dumb that kust because I havent had sex I feel terrible but everyone who has told me that already had sex and have sex lives.
I want to look back when I'm 65 and see that I did have enough sex and not that I was some loser no one wanted to sleep with
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (22 May 2016):
 Does 19 count as a later stage? I personally think its just right age wise.
There's this thing called a relationship. You should actually be looking for it rather than sex. Sex is what comes later.
As for being yourself...Well....Fine...Its complete BS. You do have to fit in or you just end up looking and sounding like Tommy Wiseau.
The way I see it, you can be yourself to a point. But always join in the fun with the group you are part of.
And finally to actually get girls. Its all about socialising. Get out there and meet people.
Plenty of girls would love to date you. And when they are comfortable will be just as eager for sex as you are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I'm not paying for sex. 1) I'm too proud 2)I dont know how the women ended up there(poverty? 3) I am quitting porn for that same reason. (Women being used and discarded after they retire). 4) Illegal in the states.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (22 May 2016):
If your goal is to have sex, and sooner rather than later, I suggest you grab a few hundred bucks and go pay for it, as any other "quick fix" will involve illegal action, and you don't really want sex that bad .... do you?
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