A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupids.I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm 18, and at uni. I have had two sexual encounters in my life, the first of which was good, the second very average.But I've completely lost my mojo. It's been such a long long time since I've felt attracted to someone (actually I'm not sure if I've ever felt attracted to them or just done whatever because it is 'what people do'). I'm starting to worry, I know I have plenty of time but I just don't find anyone attractive and I hate letting people get close to me.One of my friends jokingly asked if I was asexual the other day but I'm worried! I've considered the fact that maybe I'm into women, and I wouldn't say no to an experience and I find some women hot but I've never looked at the possibility as more that just that.I don't know whether I'm emotionally closed down, but could anyone give me some advice on this? I sometimes feel lonely and wish I could let someone in but I just can't seem to do it. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): Most of us would find sex average and flinch at intimate contact with people we are not attracted to. That's totally normal.
Being attracted to someone isn't necessarily fireworks sparkling at first sight either. Sometimes you get to know people platonically and then deep mutual attraction grows.
Just roll with the punches. If you are lonely, hang out with your friends. You will meet someone who you feel that way about. You can't rush it. Simply relax and be open to it. Don't compare yourself to your friends because no two people are the same!
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (9 March 2015):
This anxiety about 'losing your mojo', where did that come from? Is it from seeing others with boyfriends/girlfriends and feeling like you have to have the same?
I mean, what exactly are you worried about? Being asexual? And what about it if you were? Btw, the asexual spectrum is a lot more flexible and broader than most people think. You can for example be a demisexual, someone who can only become attracted to someone when they've already formed a strong emotional bond. Lots of other possibilities out there. Asexuality doesn't always mean not being sexual at all. It can be, but it doesn't have to be.
Is there a reason for you to consider being emotionally closed down? That usually only happens after trauma or other really negative experiences that had a heavy impact on the way you view people. For example, being extensively bullied could make someone close themselves down to prevent getting hurt. But since you've already had a few sexual experiences and are pretty open to experiencing new things in general, I doubt being emotionally closed down is the case here.
I think you should just loosen up and try not to cling to whatever is "normal" behavior at Uni. In the end it's just a lot of young people following each other around for confirmation that there's nothing wrong with them. The loudest voices are usually the most insecure ones as well. After all, people who are comfortable with themselves don't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops. They have nothing to prove.
So, there's nothing wrong with you, whatever your sexuality is or isn't. I was actually a virgin till 22. I figured I was weird and the only one. Nope, not at all. Quite a lot of others out there as well, who were just afraid of being 'outed'. It's kind of a lot like highschool, in that regard. At least in the beginning.
So just do what you feel comfortable with. If you want to see if you'd be attracted to a woman, then go date a woman. And if that ends up not being your cup of tea either, well, no worries. I think the best attitude to have towards sexuality is a laid back one. You don't have to be anything. If you don't get attracted to people, that's not a problem.
It's only a problem if something changed without any clear reason on why. Then it might be a hormonal problem. Go to the doctor if you suspect this may be the case. If not, I'd say, go google the sexuality spectrum and see if there's anything that rings a bell.
As for loneliness, there are more ways to deal with that than dating. Go pursue some hobbies, maybe join a team sport activity, hang out with friends that don't have girlfriends or boyfriends, etc. Try to meet people in more neutral settings so you can really get to know them.
Hope this helps! And remember, you're more normal than you think.
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