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anonymous
writes: I am currently in the process of getting back together with my ex-fiance. We broke up just over a year ago as I felt trapped and not ready to make the commitment as I was very young (19) when we got engaged. However, during the year apart I have been completely miserable without him and since we have talked through our problems we are getting back on track. However, there is one major problem we have encountered. He has told me he does not want children. This is one issue that I am not willing to compromise on, as I desperately want children one day. He won't tell me why he doesn't want kids, just that he doesn't like them. He is a very stubborn person, and so am I, so I don't see a way to solve this problem. I desperately want to be with him, but I also want a family one day. Please help.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (28 May 2005):
 Kids are a non-negotiable. You don't get to return them if they don't work out.Please talk to your fiance right now - respectfully and non-judgementally - before you work on patching up your relationship any further and are tempted to file this under "too hard". Start with something like "David, I know this is a touchy issue for both of us, but I really want to speak to you about how each of us feels about the possibility of children..."Ask him about kids and why he doesn't want them. Then LISTEN and DON'T JUDGE. Don't argue. Just listen. Ask more questions, like Why/How/What makes you think so?He might be afraid that he won't be a good dad, or he might reject the idea of being tied down to all that responsibility. He might have noble ideas about population sustainability, or he might just think he's too young. Maybe he knows someone's dad that abused kids. There can be hundreds of reasons why he doesn't want to be a dad himself and it's vital that you listen and understand his.Whatever he says, you must respect it and make your descision based on the assumption that you can't change his mind. To do less is to show complete disrespect for him.In days of yore, before couples had a choice about reproduction, this wouldn't have been an issue and the assumption was that of course you'd have children. But now you have to work these details out... and they can be a deal-breaker. You might have to decide whether being married to him is more important than kids, or kids are more important than him. You don't sound like getting both.Whatever you do, DON'T go ahead with your marriage plans, hoping that he'll cave in, or planning to get pregnant anyway. You'll kill your relationship if you do, and you wouldn't exactly be setting your future children up very well, either.Good luck.
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (28 May 2005):
Sorry, There is no way around this issue. If you want children you need to find someone else. To have babies with someone who has said quite clearly he does not want them is to doom the children, and your relationship. His reasons for not wanting a family , might not be more than just knowing that he doesn't want children and having enough sense to say so up front.
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