A
male
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martini
writes:Hi everyone...This may come as a surprise, and not sure if this should go in the forums. Subject: FriendsScenerio: Someone signed me up for an online dating service which I was opposed to. Within a week, I started emailing with someone named 'Dee' who was 'interested'. I told her that I actually just want to meet new people to hang out with, and she's the same. My Relation With Others: Everyone I care to keep in touch with aren't flakey, inconsiderate, and head-in-the-clouds. We may not email, call, msn each other for months and still stay really closely connected.Dee: She would email me with things happening in her life. Her emails are usually no more than three paragraphs. It's mainly about work, travelling, her friends, being sick, etc. Me: When I email/msn/call someone, we can talk for hours on anything - usually things with depth. So my first few emails to Dee were full of everything. I thought that I might as well give her enough info to work with. 'Problem': She answers about 1 in 10 of my questions, never addresses anything I say in my emails, and I wondered in the beginning whether she just wanted a fling, so I emailed her with what I thought she might have wanted and she replied that most people think she is immature, etc, etc, etc... As usual, not really getting to my questions. Later on, she asks me if I would like to go chillout at a lounge for a drink and just talk, so I agreed. I had a feeling she would 'forget'. Weekend came and went. Then she emails me that she's sorry, etc, etc. I asked her if she would be interested in coming out with my friends for a day hike. Again, avoidance of my question.So what I did one time was try to end our correspondence. In one paragraph, I said vague things about how busy I was, then ended it with, "Good luck on your endeavors."A week later, she emails me again and asks what's going on with me. I ignored her, and she emails me a second time. So I replied something short, and again, a week passes, and she replies.Finally, I thought, why don't I just email her as if I was close to her and see how she reacts. I emailed her some of my thoughts, emotions going on that time, some tidbits about my history, etc, etc.After ten days, no reply, I deleted her inbox. Then a day later, she emails me back - exactly same things: "I've been sick. So busy. Yaddi yadda, etc, etc. How have u been?"My Thoughts: I'm starting to think she is a robot. I haven't replied, and thinking I'll just stop altogether. My Initial Goal: Find a female confidant to hang out with, get some perspective, and just be cool about everything. Question(s): 1) Is she thinking she can play with me - even when I haven't even expressed that sort of interest? 2) Is she a robot in disguise? 3) What the hell is wrong with her if she isn't trying to play a game here? 4) Do you want me to change my avatar back to Berrimellow Bunny?8]Thanks.
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female
reader, snowbird +, writes (25 July 2006):
 Always glad to help, matey, - and thanks for your comments..
A
male
reader, martini +, writes (25 July 2006):
martini is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone, thoughtful suggestions/comments as usual. 8]
[ponders]
I definitely don't mind the penpal aspect. I have a couple of females I'm penpals with already.
Snowbird: it IS possible that she's so busy that she can only put in a few words now and then, but then again, I'm working a day job AND an evening job, totalling to about 60 to 70 hours a week, and still have time to post on DC, email people, gym/cycle to keep my sanity, and go out every now and then... AND may I add that Van Morrison quote is fantastic. 8]
Ariel: 'Oddly', I found that there is some sort of (coincidental) pattern here. Being 'deep' to friends is okay, but I never had the 'chance' being deep with anyone intimately. Eg: one of my friends and I can talk about Samurai of the Muromachi and relate to its history in a spiritual and emotional PoV, or we can talk about how the reflection of the bridge lights brings us back to a nostalgic memory from the past, etc.
On the other hand, I find that the 'deepest' I've ever gotten for an intimate companion or potential companion is a 'surface' brush. Eg: she'll tell me her thoughts and feelings, but it's exactly that. It's like a 1st year philosophy student trying to be philosophical - by the text book.
Confused? Actually, I almost lost myself there. 8/
Wendyg: Yes, she is indeed younger. I believe she is 23 nearing 24 this year. [dreamy expression] Ah so wonderful to be 23/24 again. I feel like I'm mid 90's sometimes.
Anyway, I had thought about that - time filler, flakey as Ancients' had suggested, etc.
Actually you know what? Like I said, Ancients, Snowbird, Ariel, and your (Wendyg) responses are all quite thoughtful, but I just realize how unnecessarily 'complicated' this has become. [ponders] Mhm... 8|
Alright, I know what to do. Thanks everyone. 8]
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (25 July 2006):
 Martini bring back the bunny yes lol
As for the lady, well personally i think she wants an email friend but on her terms. I think she likes getting mails from you but cant be arsed with actually replying much herself, she will tell you about herself in snippets an only when shes not mailing the rest of the world! she just likes the fact shes got someone interested and someone that will write to her. So of course when you stop she wants it back. She may be immature and not very good at expressing herself or she could just be someone that likes getting mail! Is she maybe somebody younger but told you she was older ? just a thought. Sounds to me as though shes happy to have a pen pal but thats where it lies, either that or shes a dizzy blonde.. im allowed to say that because i am one!! lol Maybe come outright and say to her you find it odd that she doesnt reply to your questions and casually ask is there a reason ? But to be honest i think she just uses it as a time filler.
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A
female
reader, ariel + ♥, writes (25 July 2006):
 Hey Martini,
Not everyone has the gift of the gab.Maybe being a dating service,you are too deep and she being who ever she is without labeling her as ditzy/shallow could feel you are moving too quick for the pace she is.It also depends what she is looking for.You knew after the 1st e mail that you were not suited and your soft side got the better of you,I agree with 'one of the ancients',why prolong the inevitable.She probably also knew after the first e-mail and was also being polite.Why do people go on on-line dating?-to find a partner and date,to live happy ever after.You on the other hand are looking for a female confidant to hang out with, get some perspective, and just be cool about everything.You won't find her there.
The way I see you is a deep thinker,very traditional and you don't give yourself enough credit.I hope I have'nt come across to blunt as usual.
The answer to you last question is ,yes I miss the rabbit.But maybe this is the symbol of change for you.
Snowbird carpal tunnel syndrome, hahahaha!!!!
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A
female
reader, snowbird +, writes (25 July 2006):
Hiya, Martini,
Could be, that this girl is so busy in her 'real' 3-dimensional life that she has limited time to reply/mail you? - nevertheless this does not mean she could or should be excused for not answering your points- it is only good manners after all! As my favourite songwriter, Van Morrisson might say: "What's the use of one hand clapping?"
May be that she is just on a different wavelength to you; (it probably took her hours to type her golden prose to you); or it could be that she feels that all she needs right now is a bit of light conversation, and she may be overwhelmed by your eloquent and erudite missives!?
Or perhaps she has carpal tunnel syndrome from communicating with too many people!!! Hope it helps, buddy! :o)
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A
male
reader, martini +, writes (25 July 2006):
martini is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt first, the idea that someone even wanted to correspond with me was quite exciting. That's why I replied. When I tried to end the correspondence about a month and a bit ago, her reply email was quite long and actually expressed a bit about the deeper side of herself. So I thought that maybe she just feels uncomfortable with me, considering it is only over email and it would be prudent for a female (especially) to be more careful, but like you mentioned (non-verbally), I do definitely concur that I tire of her nothingness.
I also thought of using something even more direct, then again, I thought about it today (and over a period of some other days) that possibly I should just not reply at all. Then again, that's like leaving someone hanging which isn't a good ethic on my part.
I will definitely consider your suggestion on approach. However, I wish to wait a bit longer to see if anyone else have any other suggestions as well as opinions. Mind you, your thoughts are very aligned with mine. 8]
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A
female
reader, One Of The Ancients +, writes (25 July 2006):
She sounds a bit self-involved, and a bit flaky. I've known 'waaayy too many people like her. She sounds the sort of person you could email "what colour is the sky?", and you'd get a 10-page ramble about Kindergarten memories in reply.
In days past, this sort of person would have been called 'a free spirit', but I prefer the technical term 'ditzy'.
I really don't think she intends to play with you; she's probably not crafty enough to play head games. I suspect she regards email conversations as correspondence she can dip in and out of, as it it's not really there. She's probably like that in real life too and will most things in her life. If that's true, she wouldn't have suited you as a friend, anyway.
On the other hand, you strike me as expecting too much from a dating service you insist you "opposed". (Why did you start emailing this person anyway? Couldn't you just have ignored it if you were so opposed?) Online dating is like wandering through a shopping mall and talking to strangers. There's no guarantee you'll get a good conversation, simply because there are other people around!
I think you've had enough of a sample of this person to know that what she's like is not what you want, so for goodness' sake, SAY SO.
"Hi Amity, You seem like a nice person and I've enjoyed emailling you from time to time, but I'm looking for something else that we just don't have between us. Sorry, but I guess that means you won't hear from me any more. Since you're so busy yourself, you know what it's like. Thanks for the chats and have fun, Robert"
That's pretty direct, don't you think? And people like her need to "read your lips" in order to get the message.
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