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Truth about Loving Two Men

Tagged as: Love stories<< Previous question   Next question >>
Article - (9 January 2011) 3 Comments - (Newest, 18 January 2011)
A female United States age 51-59, misskitty805 writes:

There is nothing more painful than finding yourself stuck smack in the middle of two wonderful men in your life that you love very much. Society first off would like me to believe that I can not "LOVE" two men at one time. I wish Society were correct, and I didn't love the two men. But I do. I do love them both. I find myself very happy at times for my needs are being met and I'm not beating one poor dude into being the one and only everything in my very energetic and fast paced life. These two men are nothing like each other. One is my age, very handsome. Tall and slim build with a darker complexion. With a smile that warms my soul when directed at me which it usually is. A confident man he is who is very successful in his career. He has been in his very competitive career field over 35 years now and is considered one of the very best. And even said to be an expert in his field. He is not handy at home. He isn't the home improvement type. His hands are so soft. No signs of manual labor on his part. He is a pencil pusher, a numbers cruncher, a bring home all the bacon he possibly can type guy. He is a man who takes great care in the way he dresses for both work and also with his after work dress style. He loves work and works very hard for all that he has. He is wiped out when he gets home from his ten hour day which usually consists of six days a week that he works. He loves his home, his pet's, his "zone" his wife (that's me). We have grown son's but none that we had together. But it doesn't matter because we are all very close and it feels just like we all were of one family over last eighteen years. We do some things together but mostly I have many hours of him away from me. I don't restrict his playing golf or going to the gym daily right after getting of work. We are both in our 50's and are grandparents now together. We enjoy that role that we have earned. And I love him that man very much. I have for almost twenty years now. The other man I love is twenty years my junior. In fact he is the same age as my oldest son. When we are together no matter what we are doing or where we are at, the age thing is never an issue for us. Other people must seem to like us together because I have never once had anyone assume anything else but that we are a couple. I glow and feel as I did when I was 20 when with him. I don't even think for a second that he is same mind set as my older son his same age. He loves to fix things, make things, and knows his way around a fully stocked tool box. He is talented, energetic and extremely creative. We share the same interests. We both can spend an entire day looking through his entire family owned scrap yard for things that we take home with us and turn into fabulous art we then sell at swap meets. We are very close friends. The love we share is real and it is special for us both. He is so beautiful and he tells me everyday that I am beautiful too. I feel great and always get good things from being with him. It has been three years since I realized that I was in fact in love with them both. I've known the younger man for nine years now. But it wasn't until three and a half years ago that we started spending time together. I had had three close loved one pass away in a very short time and my husband who also shared in this grief closed himself off and I felt abandoned for first time ever in my life. My kids were gone off on their own. My parents were gone. his now all of them too were gone. I needed my husband more than ever at this time but he just wasn't there for me at all. My husband got an apt twenty minutes from home and I guess I saw that as a clear sign of what was to be coming next. To make a very long and complicated story shorter. I have now in my life two very wonderful, handsome, sexy men that I love and adore so much that it hurts me when one of them starts making me feel like I have to choose one over the other. And like I said our society is fast to tell me that I can't be in love with two men. But if a mother can have five children and love all five children. Why can't I love my two men? My heart is capable of that. It is huge. The problem I do have is making sure I give enough time and attention to each of them and still maintain some sort of my own sense of self. It isn't easy. And I know it's coming to a time that I will ned to make a choice of the two men. And it hurts me so to think about it because it means I have to hurt deeply someone I love so much and never in a million years would ever wish to hurt. Someone gets the girl and one gets the boot. I don't like it at all. I've even just recently though of going off on my own to a new city, or state and leaving them both. Not having to decide on one over the other. Just leaving and letting them both know I chose to not make a choice and hurt one of them. It's not a good place to find yourself in. If you think having another dude on the side makes you look better because you get to have your cake and eat it too. Well, you are shallow and won't care about hurting any of your play toys when finished with them. It's those kinds of women who make me look bad. well, I guess I'll check back here and give you up dates on my life and where things are heading for me. My advice though to other's is just don't go there if possible and spare yourself a whole lotta grief.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011):

It is totaly possible for u to love two men but the real matters are wich do feel u connect with more i get it i get it u love this one u love that one u dont want to chose the wrong guy and hurt the write one but at the same time dont want to lose yourself in the starter relationships there really isno stradegy to for loving two men what i say or anyone else says wont make a diffrence it`s ur choice ur desicsion its ur love that keeps them moving let ur heart be ur guide and you`ll get the write guy

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A female reader, Lizprinz Netherlands +, writes (13 January 2011):

You can definetely love two or more men at once, but you have to be prepared for when reality hits, and that reality is that you will have to let the younger one go. It is going to hurt immensely, you will be extremely sad and you will miss him, so I would say enjoy him for as long as it lasts.

I was with an older guy, was going through a divorce and already had 2 kids. He was also 15 yrs my senior, almost as old as my father. After a while I chose not to be with him anymore, and it took me 1-2 months to get over him.

The pain will disappear, and when you see him happy in the future with his own wife and kids, you will be happy you made that decision. He will always love you, just as you love 2 men, he will love 2 women, and he will be eternally gratefull you gave him a fair chance at life. Maybe he doesn't see it now, but he will.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (10 January 2011):

Hi there. Your biggest problem is the time your husband spends at the office. It's really more the problem, than being able to choose who you want to be with.

Some men do close up emotionally in hard times, because they don't know how to express their true feelings. This is what your husband did which encouraged you to turn to someone else for comfort - which you did.

That was probably the biggest mistake of your life, looking back.

I'm guessing that only your boyfriend knows about your husband - and your husband doesn't know about him. Would that be right?

If your boyfriend keeps trying to get you to choose between them, then it's going to be very difficult indeed. It will affect your moods, and your husband will surely know that something is wrong. At that time, you will probably have no choice but to tell your husband the truth.

As your boyfriend is doing that now, there might come a time where he just up and leaves and calls it quits. He is entitled to happiness in a relationship as well. At the moment he is playing second fiddle to your husband.

Every time you are with him you cheat on your husband, and when you are with your husband - you are cheating on your boyfriend. That's probably something you never thought about before.

Relationships that start from cheating often fail, as there is no real trust in the first place. Each of you are reminded of how you first met - through you cheating on your husband. If you left your husband to be with your boyfriend, your boyfriend would always be wondering if you were cheating on him - with someone else. Can you see how that could happen?

In any case, it would lead to a great deal of doubt and unhappiness in future.

With the 20 or so year age gap, you are going to get old and decrepid a lot sooner than he will. He'd be still working and fairly youthful, while you would be nearly ready for the nursing home. Did you think of that?

He might then start looking for someone younger, who could meet all his needs more.

Also with the large age gap, you are probably getting close to wanting to retire, whereas he is only in is 30's. That's still a very young man!

The gap may not worry you both now, but in a few years it probably will.

You are both in different life stages, he's probably never been married or had kids, but you have been there and done that. So meeting him, is just like you being young again.

You really would have much more in common with your husband, and the history you share as well, accounts for a lot.

Perhaps you could find a way of bringing these artistic creative qualities out in your husband. Go to some of the places and activities that your boyfriend and you went to, and rekindle the spark again with your husband.

As you say you and your husband have long periods of time away from each other, because of his long work days, it might be a good idea for both of you to discuss how you could change this. Perhaps he could not spend 10 hours at the office like he does now, but instead work only 8 hours, which is about the average work day for anyone.

I'm sure he can organise this in some way. After all, what doesn't get done today, can be done tomorrow. Things aren't all that urgent, although people often tell themselves they need to be there all those long hours. Sometimes people do this, for fear it is expected of them and if they don't, they might lose their jobs. But the reality is not that at all.

Sometimes people even work long work hours, to escape something they are trying to avoid in their lives. Perhaps he doesn't feel his life is much good, outside of his work, so he has made work his entire life. This is a big mistake. He might be feeling bored and uninspired.

He might really need balance in his life, so for you to add some variety in what you do when you spend time together, would really help a lot. It's certainly worth some serious thought. Then you will no longer have the emotional torment you have right now.

If you can improve your relationship and add some zest to your marriage, well then over time, you will no longer have the need for the bit on the side.

Your boyfriend is filling all the gaps in your life that your husband makes by spending long hours at the office. So for the moment, your boyfriend is filling a need.

It is important to understand what is really happening here, because only then can you reach a really workable solution that will be for the highest good of all concerned.

Good luck and best wishes.

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