A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm starting to have trouble trusting men, especially older men. Being in a work environment where I am usually the only woman in the department, and a still semi-young one at that, I tend to get the attention from older colleagues. I'm sure most of them mean no harm and I brush their "if I was younger I would be all over you" comments off and try to dress as modestly as I can while still looking professional. That means I don't show any cleavage, I wear mostly high neck tops that are a bit loosely cut as of not to cling to my body, unisex blazers, normal pants and no heels. Problem is, in the past 5 years of working at this company in various positions, I have had older men, who were seniors in function and knowledge, first approach me in a supportive way, as if they want to help guide and tutor me, and then when I take that offer they eventually let it slip through that they want something in return, implying sex or other things I am not willing to give. So I stopped taking their offers and told them I'd figure it out on my own. It didn't help.I've had this happen to me multiple times and I have turned all of them down. Now, in my latest position this is a problem because the man is my superior and I actually do need his help or at least his compliance in order to complete some of the projects I work on. He asked me out to dinner today and when I said I wanted to keep our work relationship strictly professional, he basically told me "you will go with me if you still want my help. Whether you succeed at this job is completely up to you." I told him that whether I was going to pay a visit to HR today was completely up to him as well. He basically said "good luck with that". I went to HR but they don't think I have a enough for a formal complaint. It was another man I talked to, and I'm biased towards thinking that might have something to do with it. So now I'm job hunting for something new and at a different company, while I wait for the moment I'm getting fired. I have noticed though that my attitude towards men has changed over the years because of things like this. I am apparently the kind of woman (and I was the kind of girl) who attracts predatory types. I've had men who could have been my dad approach me ever since I hit puberty. Some of them did it subtly, others didn't. It has impacted my dating life a lot. I have had 3 real boyfriends in my life, and after the last one cheated on me I have held off on dating for a long time, because I simply do not trust men, at all, anymore. I know it's not fair, but I kinda feel like a deer whose dating pool consists of mountain lions; how can I not expect to get mauled? My other male colleague paid for lunch for me and two other colleagues the other day, and though he said it was on him I paid him back because I'm afraid he'll use it against me later, like others have. Basically, whenever a guy does something nice for me, I'm waiting for him to try and cash in on the favor. So I don't let them give me anything or do anything for me. My distrust of course is pretty unfair because for all those creepy guys I have dealt with, others have behaved fine. I have stopped dating for more than a year because the idea of having to sift through the unsavory types to find a good guy who I trust enough to let in seems exhausting and impossible. How do I let go of these issues and find a healthy balance?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 November 2016):
 Is there anyone above HR that you can report to? Your story makes me so angry. If not then go find a lawyer and take out a case. This behavior is not acceptable and you should not have to tolerate it. Believe me there are a lot of decent men out there, it just seems that the place you work are full off arrogant middle aged twats. Keep looking for work. Contact someone for legal advice and when you are out off there get some therapy for the ordeal you have had to go through.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2016): What you're having to face in your job is SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Is there some way you could contact a lawyer in case HR does nothing with your complaint? I can imagine how those experiences have scarred you but not all men are like this. I suggest getting your job/career back on track. Maybe try counselling. Only when you're ready you should start dating.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (23 November 2016):
 I want to say this, for every creepy unethical man out there, there is a good ethical man out there. You do the math.
I wont discount that you are experiencing harassment and unwanted attention, but you shouldnt build a wall and form distrust, you should actually do something counter intuitive. I agree with HR that you dont have a case, but look around you, who around your department can you trust? Approach men who can help you (good guys and Im pretty sure they exist but you havent given them time of day) and tell them your experience. Befriend them and women around you and work on a support group, Id even say do this quietly. Get to know them well enough where you can get them to start observing you and how these men treat you around the office. Again, do the math here. If you can grow your support system, you can outnumber all these creeps.
I work with the public, any man who came in and disrespected me or harrassed me, there would be a guy I knew (even three or more, seven, ten it keeps increasing)men who was willing to stood up for me. Men know men, men can deal with men, every guy out there who wants to use for sex or hit you or harrass you or make you feel small or judge you, there is man who wants to lift you higher, protect you, guide you, and hear your side of the story. I cant even begin to stress this enough.
I once was harrassed at work, I didnt think twice. I called my male coworker over, he dealt with the guy and that was that. I never lost trust in guys, I gained trust because i knew there was always more good men out there than the jerk who harrassed me. I have never seen that jerk left so quick or so many assholes bow out after other guys approached/confronted them. Men are our protectors.
For every man who will hurt you, there is plenty more who you will protect you. You need support group and esp one where the guys have your back. Its up to you to walk up to those (use your instincts) and make your voice heard. When you get enough evidence and people who have your back, bring your case to HR again.
Good luck
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