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female
,
anonymous
writes: My husband masturbates very frequently and fantasizes about other women or images while doing so. I just found this out and I am absolutely devastated. We had what I thought was a GREAT active and monogamous sex life for over 13 years. I have always been very attentive to his needs and faithful at that. To the guys or any one else who can offer some perspective, if it is no big deal (according to him) then why am I crushed? Thanks for your support I feel so alone.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): Hey Lady,
Assuming your husband is not addicted to porn you have nothing to worry about. Sex really is a visual thing for men and also men can totally seperate porn and masturbation from the reality of loving monogamus sex with with their wife. It does not mean that your husband loves you any less or wants to have sex with anyone else but you or finds you less attractive or is comparing you to the girls in the magazines etc. The only difference between you and thousands of other couples is that you found out what he was doing. Don't let it knock your confidence you sound like a very caring and considerate wife. Try and talk to him calmly about it, although my guess is he is probably embarressed about you finding out about it.
Sometimes men just need to masturbate to release some frustration at times when they are too tired or it's the wrong time to have sex with their wives and looking at a magazine or whatever is better than looking at the decor when trying to masterbate!
A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (12 December 2005):
i have a similar problem with my partner although he actually pushes me away for porn. i know men and women have a different perspective but to me, if you are in a monogomous relationship, you shouldn't want anyone else. porn is sex outside of a relationship. which makes it cheating. ask him why he does it? he might not tell you but at least he'll know that a)you know and b)it hurts
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A
female
reader, QOTU +, writes (12 December 2005):
 Men ALWAYS fantasize. It's not that he's getting bored of you in any way at all, so don't feel like he doesn't love you. :-)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005):
The perspective is that if men were not attracted to multiple women, the chance of you existing decrease by about 90%.
De minimis non curat lex in this case.....
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (12 December 2005):
 I am not a guy but I feel like I know a little bit about this one. You did not go into much detail about what you meant when you said images, so I am giving you my opinion assuming he is not getting these images from internet porn or something like that. It is totally normal for a man to masturbate and it does not in any way mean that you are not pleasing him, this is just something men do. They are very visual creatures, just the thought of a naked lady will usually have them standing at attention. Thinking of Brooke Sheilds or some other star certainly does not make him a bad guy, rather a very normal one. If he is not addicted to porn in any way, or seeking extra marital affairs as a way of satisfying him self, I really would not worry. If it is a huge problem for you maybe you could try joining in on the fun, mutual masturbation can be very pleasurable and may help to calm your nerves about it.
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