A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi guys. i know this has been throughly discussed here before.. i already researched about it and read almost all of the responses to the queries. and honestly it helped a lot. i have a girlfriend now who i love very much. i really adore her and treasure her. i know bits about her sexual past and honestly, while it bothers me sometimes, i can live it with. ive had my own share of sexual encounters and she knows most of this too. i dont wanna be a chauvanist prick and say i want her to be a virgin and all coz im no longer a virgin myself.. plus it really doesnt matter to me. what just bothers me is that i found out how her first sexual encounter went. she logged in my computer and forgot to logout. and for some reason (which i am really kicking myself today) i browsed thru her email and found out some of her emails that she said to her friends describing how she lost it, how it felt, etc etc. my heart got absolutely destroyed when i read it. and its really killing me right now. i know the usual lines like get over it and past is past stuff.. but i just really cant block it out. i can live her with not being a virgin anymore but as much as possible i dont want to know any of her past sexual encounters. ive had more sexual encounters than her. maybe im a lil bit insecure and immature but what can i do? i dunno if i need help guys or i just need to re-read assurances that its ok, etc etc. but its really killing me right now and i just want to really vent out. thanks for reading guys and any responses would really help a lot.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): When you go to the dentist asking for a solution to a toothache, you want the pain to stop. Being told to shut up and think happy thoughts when the pain flares up, that does not cover it. If that's all the dentist does to treat your toothache then you do not walk out of the dentist's office feeling like you got a "solution" to your problem.I am not just making a smartass comment here. I am raising a point. It is not right to call anything a "solution" to this problem. When people start thinking something is solvable, then they are less tolerant of other people refusing to live with it.We need to grow up and start treating this problem for what it really is. Retroactive jealousy is not solvable for many of the people who struggle with it. The only solution for them is to stay out of relationships with people whose past causes retroactive jealousy. That means we need to stop this lunatic "Nobody has any right to care about the past!" mindset people have today.
A
male
reader, Providence +, writes (19 July 2010):
You don't really have it all that bad, not to make light of your situation but it could be a lot worse.
Take my column for example.
http://www.DearCupid.ORG/question/my-wife-was-a-prostitute-but-shes-mad.html
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (16 July 2010):
"Progressive enough to understand"
Wow - no fallacy there. So if someone disagrees with a sexually liberal lifesyle, then by definition they are not "progressive" enough to "understand." With the same exact logic, someone could equivalently state to the opposite "moral enough to understand." See how fun fallacies can be that presuppose the conclusion?
Echo - you are trying to frame evolutionary history in terms of societal norms today. Eg - "jeopardizing a mating opportunity." Well, that may (or may not) be true today, but it no doubt had little to no role in the paternal certitude problems that plagued males 10,000+ years ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): "Biology DID invent a technology to know who the father of a child is - trust in the mother's sexual fidelity! It's not a perfect system and that's exactly why men's feelings are so heavy in this area."
And to add since I didn't see this the first time, what are you on about? Studies on chimpanzees and bonobos (our closest primates in behavior and genetic makeup) show that it's not the males who are promiscuous, it's the females. That's right, the females are out chasing down mates, cheating on partners, and hounding for sex while the males sit around helpless to do anything. The biological traits we have to prevent infidelity are: the penis is shaped to like a scoop to scoop out other male's semen. Penis length is DIRECTLY proportional to the fidelity of females. In gorillas females are happy to stay with one partner and gorillas have very small penises. In chimps, penis size is very large (proportional to the animal) and the females are ridiculously promiscuous. Humans are fairly close to chimps in that regard. When the male knows a female had a baby not his own, he will in many cases kill the baby (in the wild). Why, because he stuck around. MANY studies have shown that women actually have sex drives equal to or greater than the sex drives of men. But we're treated like whores when we express that and dismissed by society as worthless sluts. As is seen by this question and several answers, men don't want to date a woman with many sex partners. They want to have sex with her, but certainly not date her. Unless they're progressive enough to understand, which few truly are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): Male anon, I think quiet-echo was responding the poster below who said it was a biologically male trait to feel and that he should break up with her. She wasn't attacking the entire male population or saying anyone was being stupid. She was just trying to remind the BELOW poster that everyone feels this, and it's just more pronounced in men due to society. She was just making sure we know it's emotional, not biological. We're not blaming anyone as you seem to think, we're just trying to help the OP deal with his FEELINGS instead of breaking up with her because it's "natural" after all, which other things like cheating and porn use seem to be put in the same category wrongly. Why did this make you so angry?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): "Dismissing it" as biological?
I think it is more dismissing to call it "emotional". Because therefore you get to attribute it to men being emotionally "weak". If it was biological then people would have to stop expecting men to "grow up" and "get over it" and "stop being so insecure about it", etc. Dismissing it as non-bioligical allows everyone to blame the sufferer for his problem and say it's his own inferiority if he can't get over it.
"Jepardizes a mating opportunity":
I don't know many men who are especially worked up about their one night stand's sexual history. They care about their WIFE's sexual history. And when they get with a woman for a sexual fling and don't care initially, it's funny how often they START caring about her past as the relationship gets serious. Men don't want a chaste fuck buddy, they want a chaste mother for their children.
"Nature is only concerned with getting the job done":
Biology DID invent a technology to know who the father of a child is - trust in the mother's sexual fidelity! It's not a perfect system and that's exactly why men's feelings are so heavy in this area.
You're right, Nature does not NEED men and women to know. In fact it is often better when the men don't know the truth because that way women can gene-shop for the father and then shop for a different one to raise the kids. But that doesn't help the cheated-on husband pass his genes along, and if getting tricked didn't bother him then his genes would not survive to the present day. The men who DID care about getting cheated on DID survive. Evolution does not create perfection and it does not care who is happy. It only cares who survives even if they are unhappy as hell in the process.
Men feel more retroactive jealousy than women, true. But as any gay person will tell you, emotions and feelings are not locked up in a single gender. A perfectly straight woman can still feel sexual feelings for an attractive sexy woman rather than an ugly one, and vice versa with men. It is the same principle. Men are not immune from "feminine" emotions and some men have them more than others. etc.
Furthermore, most jealous women feel more retroactive jealousy over men's EMOTIONAL relationships, vs men caring more about a woman's PHYSICAL ones. This makes perfect sense because a man's emotional bonds with other women threatens his wife's kids more than his physical flings. But a woman's physical flings threaten a man's paternity. The hot guy she slept with in the past might come back around or he might have left her with an STD. He might have just been less than 9 months in the past. This threatens the new man way more than her male friend that she "just doesn't see in that way" even though they might have a very deep emotional connection.
In marrying up and down, I agree with you. It's natural for men to want to marry a younger & less experienced woman just like it's natural for women to want an older and more experienced man.
But as some other people have said in the past, women can't have it both ways when it comes to maturity. If evolution justifies women for liking older men then it also justifies men for liking younger women. That means young women aren't being extra mature for dating older men, and older men aren't being immature for wanting younger women. Good luck getting most women to concede these points.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Nothing to say that you don't already know. My question is: why did you snoop through her email and dig specifically for that information if you didn't want to know? Face it, you really wanted to know, or you wouldn't have looked. Part of you is relieved that you're more exprienced then her, but another part of you is sick because you're picturing her with others. Way to open pandora's box.
Our pasts are in the past. There is no changing what has happened. If you love her, you'll accept her, plain and simple. If this is "too much" for you, then you may need to consider a life of celibacy, because you're very unlikely to find a girl without a sexual past. Also, if you did, then she would likely have problems with yours.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 July 2010):
 This comes up a lot. Take a look at these previous threads:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-anonymous-flings-and-oral-sex-differ.html
You can also look through my post history. I had the same experience as you are going through now, a few years ago, and have written a lot about it here since.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): I'll tell you what has helped me, and let me tell you, I discovered much more graphic stuff about my GF's past partners...Women typically look at the bad stuff about past repationships. Even if a guy was better, wealthier, bigger, whatever, they usually look past those things as attributtes. An exception might be if a girl was on a one night fling on spring break or whatever and met some hung latino babe that rocked her world. I KNOW women remember thos boys. But when longer term relationships end, the end with a bit of heartache, resent and remorse, and the positive thoughts of the sex kinda vanish. When I think about my ex'es...even my ex wife, I remember the sex, but I don't long for it even if it was great. My partner now is honestly not the best sexually, but it SEEMS like the best sex because I'm with her and love her. I think it's alot the same for women. So dont worry mate...she's all yours...if you want her.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (15 July 2010):
It does beg the question - what is she doing still sending (and keeping) emails about that if indeed - "the past is the past."
All I can say is if this is going to haunt you - move on. It doesnt make you any less a man - in fact this type of reaction is typically very male specific because of our evolution.
Ive been in a similar position before and I moved on, and I am all the happier for it. My current beau has none of these issues so there is nothing that I have to "change about myself" to deal with it. No images, no reading books, and no looking for help on websites. Just bliss....
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Move on. There's nothing to be tormented about. You haven't really told us what it was she had written about her 'first time' so I don't know whether you're upset because it was so special you don't know if you can measure up, or because it was so casual you doubt whether you know her any more. I'll assume it's the first of these scenarios.Keep in mind that there's no such thing is permanency in life and human relations.If her first encounter was special to her - wasn't yours, to you, at the time? Chances are you don't even know what that girl does now, where she is or who she's seeing. So why the resentment about her feelings? Why hold her to a different yardstick than yourself? I can see that you don't want to be sexist here, but that is exactly what it's coming across like. You're a better person than that, and you must find the strength within yourself to get over this feeling.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 July 2010):
 I know it's hard to move on from, but you've had sexual encounters before her, more, and you're upset because losing her virginity meant something to her. Did yours mean something to you? This is a fairly sexist issue. Seeing as you've had MORE partners than her, I'm afraid you are seriously going to have to drop it. Did your first encounter or any of the others mean anything? Yes? Do they make you want her less or think less of her? No? It's the same for her. And you say you don't want to be a chauvinistic pig, then you need to not be bothered by a girl having sex with other people before you. It's old-fashioned AND sexist. I'm trying not to be too harsh because I can tell the tone in your letter really wants to be over this and have it not be an issue. But you really are just gonna have to grit your teeth and deal. She can't change her past, she hasn't done anything wrong, she hasn't done anything you haven't. Try to be a little more progressive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): You probably shouldn't have snooped, hopefully lesson learned. I'm sure you're girlfriend would feel the same way if she was in your situation right now. you need to realize that no matter what her past is, she is yours right now, and nobody else she's been with has that. Knowing that information hasn't really changed anything but your perception of her past. Maybe take some time to think about your first time and how it made you feel, and then realize that that doesn't really effect your current relationship or your daily life, and i'm sure it's the same for her. Put it in perspective, then put it in the past. The initial uneasiness should wear off.
Hope that helped!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Hey dude,
if you love her the way you say you do, you will have to get past this. Also your not her father, what she did when you didnt know each other is honestly and truthfully not your business. Also, this changes everything, if she often talks about there's "things" then you may bering it up and still be found respectable. if not. then you will have to deal.
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A
female
reader, amandanash  +, writes (15 July 2010):
I found out my ex wasn't a virgin (and I am), and I was so hurt. He lied to me about it for the longest time and told me he was. I was hurt and cried when he told me! After he told me, every time I thought of his ex, I thought of what they did. And sometimes just thinking about him would make me think about what he did with her. It hurt so much cause he wasn't willing to keep it in his pants til he got married like I am, and like he said he was. It's ok to feel hurt! It's ok to be upset about it. I was very very upset and still am in a way even though we're over. But the biggest part of a relationship is forgivness some times. You have to be able to forgive her and accept who she is. See that she is not the same person anymore, and that she is with YOU, not any other man, but YOU.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Think step by step about your first sexual encounter. When she had her first sexual encounter, who were you seeing/having sex with...think about the details of that.Now, does it change anything. Does it change how you feel about her?When she had her first encounter, she didn't even know you EXIST. You can't blame her for something that happened long ago before you two even met. The details are just that - details of a sexual experience before you. Similar details to your first time or the sexual encounters you had with other women.Dont get lost in the details. When you start thinking about it go over to her and cuddle/hug her, start talking about something funny/interesting with her....eventually those thoughts will be less and less frequent. Its just the initial shock that you're dealing with.
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female
reader, emilia_shayner +, writes (15 July 2010):
im sorry that ure goin thru this...i understand as i have stumbled across my boyfriend's old journals and im his second love/sexual encounter as he is mine. It sucks when you sit and think that theyve been with someone before. I think mainly you might be a little jealous and also if you love her so much you have to get past it. Otherwise, it'll eat u up alive and torment the relationship, making it a negative one. I hope this helps. Sorry again.
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A
female
reader, girlygirl601 +, writes (15 July 2010):
You have to learn to accept her past as she has yours. I've rummaged through ex-boyfriend's stuff before and I realized that I did it out of insecurities in the relationship. Although some of my concerns turned out to be unfortunately true, I learned that if you face your insecurities certain things don't bother you as much.
No man wants a promiscuous woman but it sounds like she is just the average girl who naturally has a past. Take some time and really identify the reasons why you feel that way and try your best to address it.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (15 July 2010):
It seems like she should be asking for our advice about you! man you do need to get over it, because it's going to get the best of you and she will leave if you don't let the past be the past you wasn't apart of her life! back then and so that part is none of your business what she did in the past i mean not unless she was a serial killer or something. yea you have some insecuritie issues and lack of trust issues as well.
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A
male
reader, JamesBM +, writes (15 July 2010):
Well pal I got one thing to say: Deal with it.
Mopin' around ain't gonna make her a virgin again :\
So you got to accept it, we all got dark pasts. If you love her for who she is, man up and deal with it.
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