A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like some level-headed unbiased advice on this please. My boyfriend is so good in so many ways but a few traits let him down and I don't know whether these should be deal breakers.We've been together 2 years. I have two children from another relationship and he treats them better than their dad does. He really does treat them like his own without crossing the line into trying to he their dad and consults me when he needs to on how I want them raised.I'm unhappy with my body (a uk size 14) but he compliments me on it every day and always tells me I'm beautiful, attractive and generally makes me feel very wanted.He supports me with my hobbies. I have two fairly unusual hobbies but he supports me with both - one he's taken an interest in and is learning himself and one he leaves me to do so it's 'my thing'He supports me with work - I recently quit my job to become self employed which was a scary concept but he's backed me up and encouraged me throughout all the hard times.He's very committed, has made it clear he wants to marry me and I have no doubts whatsoever that he would ever cheat. I trust him implicitly.He also has a great job and is hardworking and financially supportive.However:He can be VERY controlling. To the point that he scares me sometimes. When I get a text message he demands I show him who it's from, even if it's only from my mother or sister he'll want to see what it says.He gets angry at the slightest thing. For example I was replying to an online advert about something I wanted to buy and he saw I was texting a strange number so snatched my phone out of my hand and was shouting at me to tell him who it was. He was talking down to me and getting up very close to me and raising his voice, I felt so threatened that I ran into the bathroom and locked the door and he started banging on the door saying unless I opened it he would break it down. As soon as he saw who it was he apologised and things were fine. I've told him his temper scares me and he needs to try to be less controlling and for a while, maybe 3 months or so, he is and things are better than perfect. Then one day something minor will happen and he will snap. We've just had another argument tonight because he saw me and one of his ex girlfriends (who I genuinely had no idea they even knew each other let alone had been together at one point) had made friends on facebook and he went mental saying I was checking up on him.I'm thinking now, because I'm mad, that I want to end it all as he makes me feel so scared when we argue but it's so infrequent and he's so good in other ways that I wonder if leaving him is the right thing to do
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 April 2014):
 like SageOldGuy I did not see your followup online until after I posted.
I am very sorry that you suffered abuse from your stepfather. This is a huge unacceptable burden imposed on your by that abuser. That abuse was never your fault and you must never be blamed in any way for that abuse. Because such a huge betrayal often leads the victim to react in certain ways due to the unwelcome conditioning and due to the survival techniques the victim adopted just to get through the trauma of the unacceptable abuse. Some of those strategies are about survival and are very understandable in the circumstances. These seem right at the time. The victim reacts in ways that pacify the abuser. But abusers never stop. They just get more confident that they think it is ok to abuse.
I am glad that you have been able to detach from your abuser and have been able to form new relationships.
But such abuse leave an unwelcome legacy, unless you receive sufficient counselling and support.
You also mentioned that you have subsequently suffered abuse from from partners who inflicted domestic abuse.
Which leads me to think that you are still in need of some additional counselling to put to rest any unwelcome legacy from that abuse inflicted by your step father.
Why would I suggest this?
Because if you have not been sufficiently strengthened emotionally to completely and totally overcome the abuse then you will still tend to attract abusers.
You do not need an abuser in your life.
So how do potential abusers find their next victim?
Such potential abusers look for people who appear to be easy targets to abuse.
It is important to not give out those signals.
A person who has previously suffered abuser needs extensive counselling. Without that professional support for a defined period with some goals to work through to overcome past trauma from abuse.
Without sufficient counselling a past abuse survivor can still suffer depression, low self esteem and lack confidence in themselves plus additional issues like trouble with trusting, hesitancy with intimacy, being too co-operative, putting the needs of others above your own needs, entirely related to the abuse, and even unresolved anger.
I am not saying that you suffer all that, but it happens.
If any of these issues exist, or are unresolved, then potential abusers recognise these signals and target the person, knowing that these persons have already been primed to accept the unacceptable,
Thus I suggest that you do revisit a counsellor to work through any additional lingering issues that are impacting on your life and your choice of partners.
The rest of my previous advice still applies too.
I wish you the best in the future too.
You really DO deserve a life partner in your life who is not abusive and you DO need the skills to identify such a life partner in the future.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 April 2014):
 OP: Your follow-on submittal was not yet on-line when I posted mine. From it, I believe that you are half-way to where you need to be.
Look at this (by you): "I think I'm just scared that I'll never find someone who is as good to me as my current boyfriend is but without the nastiness."
Now, edit that to say: "I think I'm just scared that I'll never find someone who is (as) good to me...." ... And consider this (my opinion): You'd be better-off to spend the remainder of your life by yourself, with your kids (only), than you would be to spend even another MOMENT with a guy (any guy) who is a total a$$hole.. who makes you unhappy (and SCARED!!!) and (who) has you questioning why you are "with" him. DON'T COMPROMISE what you are ENTITLED TO in life!!!....
Dump this creep.... and don't bother getting close to ANY OTHER GUY until and unless they prove to be WORTHY of you, your time and attention.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (25 April 2014):
 Leaving him would be a reasonable course of action. It's not enough that he is good some of the time or even most of the time. He has to be good ALL of the time.
That doesn't mean he has to be perfect obviously, but that no amount of good behaviour will cancel out very bad behaviour. You can't kill one person, then conceive another and consider the debt paid.
Others have already addressed him and his behaviour so I'm going to focus in on yours.
You said that he loses his temper and then things are fine and then you'll tell him he needs to learn to control his temper because it scares you. There are two major things I see wrong with that approach. One is things are NOT fine just because he's in a better mood and second, you don't tell someone who threatens you that they need to TRY and control their temper. WRONG.
When he steps so far out of line with you things are NOT fine until YOU decide their fine. And second, you don't tell someone who terrorizes you to TRY to control their temper. You warn them, in a quiet, dangerous, determined voice, that they FIX it immediately or they're out. You don't give them time to 'adjust' or to 'learn' or to 'work on it'. There is no 'trying'. There is only doing. Nothing short of immediate and complete success is acceptable and there are no special rewards. Being allowed to stay is reward enough. There is no 'A' for effort and no sob story worth hearing.
Your children need safety and stability. They need to know that their mother is tougher, nastier and more cunning than anyone who may threaten them. Their home should be their sanctuary, as it should be for you and that your well being is not at the whims of another.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 April 2014):
 Just reading your story makes me scared. Scared not just for you, but your children.
KIDS learn partly by watching the adults around then, partly from what they are taught by parents, family, teachers, strangers, adults and kids alike. Mostly though from IMITATION. As my mom would have put it, Monkey SEE, Monkey DO. In some cases they do the EXACT opposite because they KNOW it's the "right" thing to do, bot more often then not, they COPY behavior.
He treats the kids well, but not you. At least not ALL the time. When he gets MAD at you he is more then just mad.
IF you have sons, they WILL pick up on HOW he treats you. THAT is the ROLE-MODEL they have for MALE behavior.
You write that he gets angry at the slightest thing. So this ANGER is not a rare occasion. Which means it's doesn't always happen when the kids aren't around. THEY see it.
As a mom, my FIRST priority would be to keep my kids safe. I can't do that while they are in school, but I SURE can while they are home.
I think the fact that DOUBT is creeping in, is your CONSCIENCE and GUT INSTINCT telling you, this is NOT OK. And this is NOT healthy.
You HEART is trying to make it seem LESS significant then it really is. The whole...
*** it's so infrequent and he's so good in other ways ***
It doesn't mean you HAVE to suck up when he is NOT good. When he is NOT safe to be around.
You love parts of him, the SUM of him however makes you question the relationship and makes you question him (and yourself).
Your call. Personally, I would RATHER be a single mom, then be with someone like that.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 April 2014):
you are already starting to have doubts, thank goodness. Controlling abusers are bad news. They go through cycles of domestic violence. Abusers can be male or female. At the very least an abuser with control issues will seek to control what you spend and how you spend it. Your decisions will be dismissed. Your self esteem will plummet over time. The abuser may seek to control who (of the friends you already have) you see and how long you can see them. The abuser may want to start control what you wear and where you can wear it.The list goes on and the more insecure the abuser becomes then the more the abuser will seek to control the victim.And all that abuse commences before the criticism starts.Once the criticism starts the abuser will seek to put down the victim and chastise the victim.Abusers never stop at just one act of abuse against the victim. The frequency and intensity of the abuse will escalate over time. When children live in a home where there is domestic abuse I consider that is a form a child abuse when a child is exposed to screaming, hitting, kicking, fighting, not to mention snide sarcastic put downs, financial and psychological and social abuse, and more, which can all be part of domestic abuse. It is frightening for a child. It sends all the wrong messages to a child on what is normal.Domestic abuse is never normal. For a child it can be frightening and as bad as terrifying. You wouldn't want your child to live in a war zone if you could avoid it. It is just as unacceptable to subject children to hearing, seeing and experiencing domestic abuse. When an abuser's back is against the wall (in the opinion of the abuser) then the abuser will lash out at what they think will hurt the victim the most.Sometimes they will destroy a treasured posession belonging to the victim, sometimes they will try to embarrass the victim in front of work colleagues of the victim.Sometimes they will take out their anger on the children of the victim - whether it be physical or psychological abuse or worse.And if the (invariably insecure) abuser feels especially threatened, such as when the victim tells the abuser in advance that the victim wants to leave the relationship then the ultimate betrayal committed against the victim is when the abuser ends the life of the victim.Is it worth getting into relationship with a controlling insecure person who behaves badly and then apologises and then does something abusive some time later.It is never worth the pain of having your life turned upside down, while you walk on egg shells and lose all your own self confidence and your self esteem, over time, because Control-Freak Abuser arrogantly thinks it is ok to behave the way the abuser behaves when the abuser feels insecure.Every new relationship is 'The One' to an abuser. This new relationship will be different (read successful) thinks the abuser.So the abuser goes into over-drive at the start to be the best guy since sliced bread.Every previous relationship, that the abuser was in, broke up (according to the abuser) because the victim did this or that. The abuser cannot comprehend that their actions caused the breakupAt first in a relationship with an abuser the abuser will be over the top. Nothing is too much trouble. But little cracks will appear. Then they apologize.But the niggling concerns start to surface more often. The abuser gets irritated. This was not right says the abuser, that was not done correctly says the abuser, you never said that says the abuser, i told you that says the abuser.Life with an abuser quickly becomes very tiring.By the time a victim has been destroyed emotionally the abuser will stop the pretence of bothering to apologize.And will continue to abuse while it suits the abuser to do so.Have some support people with you when you let an abuser know the relationship with the abuser is not for you.But this statement, that the relationship is over, can be delivered after you have left and where now you are in a safe place where the abuser cannot reach you.Do not tell an abuser your intention to leave, in advance, if it is just you alone at home, nor if it is just you and the children at home at the time..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): I recognise this. Been there and got that t-shirt sadly. It only gets worse. Get out now while you are still relatively sane and you CAN!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 April 2014):
You write: "... but it's so infrequent and he's so good in other ways that I wonder if leaving him is the right thing to do."
May I remind you that men who shoot and kill their SOs usually do so "infrequently?"
Dump him and get a man friend who doesn't have control/anger problems. YOU'll feel much better....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): Thank you for your replies. His good traits are so good that it makes me worried that I won't find someone else with those good points.I was sexually abused by my stepdad when I was younger and so for me, introducing a new man into my children's lives is a BIG thing for me as I'm petrified of history repeating itself as my stepdad seemed like a good man on the surface. I've had previous relationships where they have ridiculed me about my body and my stretch marks.I've had 5 boyfriends in my life (not all were that serious) but every single one has been abusive in some way. The father of my children beat me continuously. Every boyfriend I've ever had (bar this one) has cheated on me. I think I'm just scared that I'll never find someone who is as good to me as my current boyfriend is but without the nastiness.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 I think it is !, or do you want to raise your kids in an environment where stepdad scares their mom, threatens her, bullies her ,and has crazy displays of random aggressivity ?
What, he bangs on the door threatening to break it down... because you've got a phone call!,... and you wonder if you should put up with this type of behaviour ?
Sorry but for me this is a no brainer, the guy sounds like he is a lunatic, and dangerous too, it takes nothing for this level of " temper " , as you call it, to turn into physical abuse . He has not don it yet , but he went pretty close to it ( snatching phone from your hand, coming " in your face " ) - maybe he just hasn't had the TIME to get real violent, how long have you been together ?...
I am sure other posters will tell you, he has an anger problem, tell him to go to anger management classes, to see a therapist... nice and dandy, but personally I would not have the patience, and most of all I would not trust
him around me or my kids while he is getting himself sorted out.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (25 April 2014):
 Controlling men can become VIOLENT men. I would highly recommend that you end the relationship. I speak from personal experience. When I was young I married a man similar to your guy. I seen that he had a temper and could become quite violent. It was never directed at me but his temper could be quite explosive, he had what I would call a hair trigger temper. He was jealous and possessive, but at my young age I thought it was rather cute. I was sadly mistaken. After we married, it became much much worse. He didn't want me to wear make up..he always thought men were looking at me, he started to control everything that I did. And then the hitting began. At first I thought it was just a one time thing..it wasn't. 2 years later and after a broken arm, I left. I had been too ashamed and embarrassed to tell my parents.
I don't care how good this man is to you MOST of the time..he shows signs that are NOT good. Trust me, his anger and controlling will NOT get better. You are already afraid. Get out...NOW! Please take it from someone who has been there..done that.
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