A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help and i'll try and keep this as short as possible.My boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years almost. We have 2 children together within this time and our relationship was very full on from the beginning with me falling pregnant weeks into our relationship.I moved in (his request) during my first pregnancy approximately after 5 months of knowing him. Looking back on it - probably a big mistake.I've hinted ever since I had our daughter in Feb 2015 that I wanted to get married. He was calling me his "future wife" and said as soon as he wipes his $20k car debt he would look into buying a ring. Fast forward to more recently and he wants ME to save for our house deposit and buy a house together. I have told him i wont be doing anything of the sort until i am at least engaged. I have talked about how i would be happy to even elope and he has assured me that "it will happen" but now he wants to wait until we have no debt (including a mortgage) so you can just assume it'll never happen.I told him "we aren't ever going to get married are we? you lied to me didnt you? you led me on and gave me false hope" and he said "i dont know what to say if thats what you think then im sorry" I feel like i've wasted 3 years of my life with a douchebag who was happy enough to knock me up and pretend he would marry me to keep me around and now he's admitted??? he has never had any intentions. Maybe i am interpreting it all wrong??? Whats worse is he was engaged to his ex years ago. I think to myself - what did she have that I dont?It's hurting me, i am depressed, feel worthless , its getting to me way more than it should and i dont know what to do
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debt, depressed, engaged, his ex, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (20 August 2016):
 Sorry but as a woman I believe you got yourself knocked up. Yes, it takes two but ultimately it is your body and your responsibility not to let that happen. He may not be perfect, who is and this may not be your ideal situation but why do you label him a douche bag? He stuck around and did the right thing when he found out you were pregnant. Given the way things started out, you may of been a single parent.Not all guys in that situation would do that let alone also try set up happy home within 5 months of knowing someone. Now another child out of wedlock within 3 years, I can see why this may feel a bit shotgun for anyone. It seems sensible for him to want to clear his debt before marriage-having a clean financial slate is smart IMHO. May I ask why you feel as though marriage is the trade off for his suggestion that you start saving for a house? You are in a de facto partnership with him so why would marriage make any difference. In the eyes of the Australian law it doesn't. Buying a house is every bit a commitment as marriage so why so stubborn? Don't pit your worth against what ever you think his ex may or may not had that you don't. Maybe she hounded him into it also? So for him, once bitten twice shy perhaps, who knows. If your fella, treats you right and is a good dad and provider-count your blessings I say. I think what you have to remember is marriage is not for everyone and usually something that is brought up during the courting stages of getting to know one another- You guys skipped that bit.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 August 2016):
 I read your last post as well, I don't have much to add really other than well it was not his fault you got pregnant, if you really wanted marriage, you should have held off a bit until you got to know him better. But it is what it is. He wants you to save for the deposit because he pays for everything else. It seems you have left a lot out of this post, are you looking for sympathy or genuine advice?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2016): Jaysus you put yourself in a shitty situation didn't you? No commitments and 2 kids under 3 - wow.
No wunder you feel depressed and worthless- your putting your future in a shifty shirty shitty mans hands!
Plan for the worst - see lawyer etc to get everything needed to financial care for kiddos. Spend no money not directed at children , savings , retirement, pension etc
Sign no joint papers which create debt for you with him
Take positive actions and helpless goes out window
Make solid plans for you and kiddos so also hopeless goes out windows
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2016): I might be old fashioned but I think it is very important for the kids upbringing to have their parents properly married. So whether he loves you or not, whether you love him or not, you must insist to get married and get divorce immediately. You should pursue all legal ways to persuade him to marry you and support his kids.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 August 2016):
 You call your partner "a douchebag who was happy enough to knock me up" but the truth that you dont want to accept is that you happily allowed yourself to get pregnant, not once but twice. The first time, by your own admission, was just weeks into the relationship. Dont blame him entirely, this was your fault too.
You barely knew this guy and you went on to have a child with him. If you were this determined about marriage then you should have made your point clear and waited till you were his wife to bear his child(ren).
Seems to me that you did things your way and now again, you want your way. Remember, you've given this man everything before marriage so now he has no incentive to take his vows with you. You live together, you have two kids together, you're basically a family without the legal bond between you two. What's the catch in it for him? Why would he want to get married when he's getting it all for free?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 August 2016):
 if he is not willing to go to the local court house with NO rings (don't need a ring or a wedding to get married)
In other words you say to him:
Honey, I love you and our life together and I NEED the security of that little piece of paper. I am asking you to go with me to the court house in comfy clothes with our kids and get the license and get married without spending any money other than the license. We don't need rings or a fancy wedding but I want to get married within the next month"
IF he hems and haws and blows you off then no he's not ready to marry at this point and maybe never.
HOWEVER, because you have two children you have to think about why that piece of paper is so important.
how is life with him without marriage? is the fact that you are not married the only sticking point?
is he good to you and the kids otherwise?
is he trustworthy?
does he contribute to the household with money and chores?
if yes yes and yes then consider staying with him without the marriage if you feel secure enough.
IF not, and the marriage part is really important, then if he says no to your proposal you need to leave.
Leaving (actually leaving not threatening it) MAY make him change his mind.
I would contact a lawyer about child support and visitation before you move out.
FWIW my current hubby is the one who wanted us to get married. He was 39 and it was his first marriage and what he says is "when you meet the right person you know it and don't want to risk losing them" So while I didn't want or need to get married (again) I was willing to just live with him... but we got married because it makes him feel more secure. (and here in the states health coverage is often based on employment and I wanted him to have good health insurance from my job as his jobs are more sporadic.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (17 August 2016):
 Marriage isn't the be all and end all of life. Why are you so obsessed with it? If you wanted to play straight down the line why did you allow yourself to get pregnant - twice?
You have children together. Isn't that the closest bond?
It doesn't sound to me like you love him anymore. When trust goes then so does love. If that is the case are you prepared to bring up the children on your own?
You need to have a big think about where you want this to go. You might have issue an ultimatum - marry me or else - and be prepared for a poor outcome.
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