A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We are deciding whether or not we want to have children and we're leaning towards not. We've been together for years, value our spare time, our independence, ability to take trips at a whim and the quietness of our lives. I've done plenty of reading online and you learn about so many who have suffered through repetitive rounds of IVF. I had a friend go through this and I know how grueling it truly is. I wonder, because some go through so much pain and discomfort and often several miscarriages to have one baby, if I'm making the right decision just deciding that we're happy without children. I wondered if anyone reading this could tell me their story. Why they did/didn't have children. If they're happy with their decision, why/why not? And if they had their time over, would they make the same choice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): Oh wow.. this advice is fantastic!! Thank you thank you so much. I loved learning of your experiences and opinions on the subject. Keep it up!!
'Beentherenowoverit', I am so sorry your dad passed away. I too have a rebellious sibling who manipulates my parents. They had plans to travel after their children were grown but my sibling will always need care and supervision and they're very financially strained now. Because of the difficulties of their second child, they will die without doing all the things they aspired to. They are burdened with a constant weight on their shoulders because their adult child is miserable. I think this has definitely made me consider motherhood so much more seriously. I know firsthand the gamble it can be. Thanks again!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): I don't think you would really regret it if you had children. You may feel that you have lost some of your freedom, but from what I understand, once you have the baby you can't really imagine being without it. You even sort of have that sense when you get a pet. You love it once it's yours, even if you weren't sure about getting one. That being said, I don't really want kids, myself. I believe that adoption would perfectly satisfy any maternal instincts I may have should I ever regret my decision. There are so many kids in the world that are already born and need parents to love them.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): Yes , go ahead and have the little one.
Life is all about change and adaptation.
Just because others have stories about heartache and pain doesnt mean it would be the samr for you.
But life is full of disappointments and kids are not a must have requirement.
Its possible that you may have a plain sailing future..but you cant be certain.
Life is what it is ..and children bring happiness ,sorrow and joy..all in different order.
You cant prematurely know the outcome of your decisions or circumstances unless you are extraordinarily gifted...and if you were i dont suppose that woukd help either.
Its just a fact of life.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (21 November 2015):
I grew up with a brother three years older who was a constant problem for my parents. They were going to divorce over their differing opinions of how to treat him but my dad suddenly died of a heart attack right in the middle of the process. So having kids never looked good to me and I've never wanted nor had any.
I can only tell you the upsides that come from not having kids. I've traveled from an early age. I get up when I want and then focus on what I am interested in (yes, rather selfish of me but I love it). Money that might have gone to my kids has either been saved or spent on travel and other interests. I wanted to change careers in my 40's and was able to go back to school and do so because I wasn't responsible for others. Today, I lead a very interesting live, love my career and grimace at the thought of having remained in my old one. With the world facing overpopulation, I feel good about leaving a disappearing footprint on this earth. I am the happiest person I know and feel near total freedom with life. The only downside is that I won't have kids to help take care of me in my old age should I need it. But as with my brother, you can't always depend on your kids for help.
On the other side of the fence, people with kids will tell you the advantages of having them. If you are having difficulty deciding, I would put it off.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 November 2015):
 Btw, Im not much older than you, but I do not have children, nor do I want children right now either. I do want children, absolutely, at the right time. Now's not the right time. Me ad my boyfriend can barely decide whether to get a dog together or not, lol. But long term, when we're more settled and have known each other for a longer time, I see it in the cards. So for me it's an easy decision when I listen to myself and what I actually want.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 November 2015):
When in doubt, dont buy. That's a very handy saying, and it's so true. If you have doubts, then it's not right for you. If you later find out that having children is your one true dream and you can't imagine living or taking another breath without children, then go for it. It's not like a decision needs to be made right this very moment. There's nothing to say having children now wont be difficult, versus having children later on. And then there's adoption possibilities, and there are so many children in need of a good foster home. So no matter your age, if you do decide one day that children is what you want and need in life, there are many children who would love a stable and good home.
But right now, with doubts, and you're not quite sure? I mean, you didn't list one good reason for why you should have children, so to me it's a definite no. I wonder if you're only thinking about this because people around you are getting pregnant/having children or your parents are nagging about it. Never have children for the sake of anyone else but yourself and the child.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 November 2015):
 Sounds like you're where I was in my late 20s. I could pretty much identify all the downsides -- loss of freedom and flexibility, smelly diapers, and the general obnoxiousness of children. You can't genuinely imagine the upside.
We were like you -- had a nice life, enjoyed our weekends and holidays, hung out with friends. I had a vague sense that it wasn't terribly fulfilling, but my wife had that feeling more strongly. So we took the plunge, and eventually had three kids.
I could give you a hundred anecdotes, but I'll keep it to one. One of my daughters was thinking of going into optometry, so she got a summer job with an eye doctor. More to humour her than anything I went in for an exam. My daughter did all of the initial work, taking photos of my retina and such, and explaining what all the results meant. I was staggered -- it seemed like such a short time ago I was changing her diapers, and here she was a functioning, professional adult.
I'm never going to be famous, I won't invent anything that will change lives, I won't write a great novel. The only thing I'll leave of any importance is three kind, thoughtful, generous human beings. It was definitely worth it.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (20 November 2015):
Your question reminds me of my Aunt so I'll share her story with you. She and my uncle never wanted children and they never had them. She admits that she has had a happy life with a large circle of friends, successful career and she's travelled the world, yet a couple of years back on her 57th birthday I think it was, she told me that she wishes she'd realised everything she'd be missing out on in later life - the bond her friends have with their adult children.
Although she said she's happy with her life overall, she also said she feels a bit lonely now that her own parents are no longer here and most of her friends have a wide extended family. She said she always thought of her friends as her extended family, until they all got older and she saw the bond they have with their kids and grandkids which she said doesn't compare to anything she has.
I guess I was pretty shocked by what she said as I tend to think of little kids when I think of having children and had never really thought about them growing into adults (probably dumb on my part to be fair!). I can still see sides for both having and not having children personally, but what my Aunt said certainly made me think about it differently so it might give you something to think about too?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015): Better to be wondering ten years from now if you made a mistake by not having children than knowing ten years from now you made a huge mistake by having them.
Some people are simply not interested in or inclined towards having children and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you're wondering why some people are willing to endure such pain, discomfort and emotional distress to have children then to me that's a pretty good indication that it's not a priority for you and that's fine. You appear to be very content with your life and there are no voids to be filled by becoming parents. Don't feel pressured to live your life by other people's standards.
I'm over 50, childless and have no regrets. I realized early on that I was not cut out to be a father and so I embraced the role of cool uncle instead. I love kids but I love even more having the freedom to give them back to their parents when I've reached my saturation point.
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