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Tired of feeling worthless... Is this porn addiction?

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 October 2010) 6 Answers - (Newest, 8 October 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, *iredconfused1428 writes:

I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 3 years. i've known him for 8. we get along great, have alot of fun together, we live together at his mothers house. i've known for a long time that he looks at porn, and masturbates to it. i don't like it, but i pretty much just don't say anything about it either. he goes through waves where he'll look at it everyday, and then wont look at it at all for "supposedly" days. he masturbates just about everyday, but i'm lucky if i can get him to have sex with me once a week anymore. he claims it has nothing to do with me, that sometimes he wants to have sex everyday twice a day and sometimes he doesn't. what i don't understand is if he doesn't want to have sex with me, then why does he feel the need to masturbate to porn everyday. and the other night i pleasured him (got nothing in return) while he watched stripper videos (which went up my butt sideways, i don't mind watching porn together, but not girls stripping, thats just him fantasizing about another girl pleasuring him) then he waited till i fell asleep and went upstairs and masturbated up there to porn. and that to me is just sneeky because we have a laptop downstairs. i caught him doing it, and he doesn't even know because if i even MENTION that it bothers me he refuses to talk about it and just like every other guy says its normal. well i don't think it is. i think for single guys who don't ever get out, sure masturbate everyday to porn, but for someone who has a girlfriend that they supposedly wanna spend the rest of they're life with, who is MORE then willing to have sex whenever you want even if it means waking her up?!?! i just don't get it, and i feel like crap because of it, i love him alot, and truly think he's the one, but lately i feel lonely even with him next to me

View related questions: has a girlfriend, porn, stripper

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A female reader, tiredconfused1428 United States +, writes (8 October 2010):

tiredconfused1428 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all the comments, i approached him last night about it, and he apologized, he didn't realize how much it hurt me. we are going to work on it together. thanks again for all the responses!!

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A female reader, Antigone United States +, writes (8 October 2010):

Alright, the BF lives with his mother,prefers masturbating to images on a screen to sex with a real, live woman - the hallmark of pornography addiction - and is satisfied with you living with him "on and off" over a three year period. Is it any wonder that you feel worthless, tired, and confused. You ended your post with saying "truly think he is the one". The one for what? Your life partner, your soft place to fall, the father of your future children? Listen to your instincts and think this relationship through very carefully. I take it you are somewhere between ages 18-21. Your entire life is before you, yet you are already feeling degraded and demoralized by what is going on between you and the man in your life. Yes, he needs help but, as with any addict, those closest to him are not always the ones who can help him. Any complaint on your part will be seen as an attempt to separate him from his drug of choice: porn. In the meanwhile, his addiction is taking a heavy toll on you. You seem to be "going along to get along" by watching porn with him, having sex that is a one-way street - all in his direction, and struggling to understand why he is treating you this way. Please consider getting out of his chaotic life before you end up completely being destroyed by his addiction to porn,and your growning addiction to an addict. I wish you the best of luck.

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (7 October 2010):

person12345 agony auntIf he doesn't see the problem that he is rejecting a live person for porn then he is clearly an addict and needs counseling. It's not normal, and if he won't even talk about it, he's very clearly got a serious problem. If he won't go to counseling, then you need to leave because this will only get worse (at least until he decides to get help).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010):

He is obviously addicted to porn. But beneath that, he probably finds it easier and better for him to masturbate because his penis is used to the roughness of his hand as opposed to the soft walls of your vagina; Masturbating gives him more pleasure, unfortunately. (but this can change)

Sorry to be so blunt and clinical, but this is serious and should be addressed. He needs to cut back now, especially since he has you in his life. So put your foot down sister!

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (7 October 2010):

dirtball agony auntYour boyfriend has a serious problem. This is what most people label as porn addiction. Really, the determining factor of that in my book is when he is turning down sex with you to masturbate to porn. Not only is this extremely selfish but it's a great way to end his relationship.

If you're a willing partner, it is fine for him to want to masturbate occasionally, but it is not healthy to be passing up sex so regularly. To me he just sounds like an extremely selfish jerk who has someone way better than he diserves. I'm quite the advocate for porn, but I would never pass up sex with a willing partner for it.

His refusal to talk about it is indicative of deeper problems in the relationship. Relationships should have open communication. It is not fair for him to simply dismiss your concerns or feelings. Yes, it is normal in this day and age for men to masturbate to porn, but his behavior is not normal. You need to decide if you want to help him get help, or if he is unwilling and you need to move on.

Without him at least trying to change, or listening to the fact that there is a problem in the relationship, he is showing you where you stand as far as your importance to him. I'm very sorry to say he seems to feel porn is more important.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010):

I see unhealthy signs of addiction here as he seems to constantly need it..and waking up at nite is one sign. He may go days but that may be because he's absorbing all the images and then when the images die out, he goes to get new ones. It is a neurological issue I believe and can be fixed. Altho with any addiction its a step by step thing and he is still in denial. Once he admits, then he can be helped and as his GF, youre an outstanding woman for caring and even tolerating. Hope this helps a little.

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