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Thoughts on dating...any opinions are welcome!

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Question - (11 April 2007) 2 Answers - (Newest, 12 April 2007)
A female United States age , anonymous writes:

Of the many questions I see here regarding problems with our bf/gfs, the following from a well-known dating site on choosing the "right" partner is worthwhile, I think:

KNOWING WHO MAY BE RIGHT FOR YOU means first, knowing your own traits, values, and relationship skills, both good areas and ones where you need to improve. This will assist in spotting these traits in others who may match you. Yes, personal physical attraction and initial good feelings are important, but by themselves are not enough!!

Having basic values in common; i.e., the ability to be honest about thoughts and feelings ("verbal intimacy") and a mutual desire to share those thoughts, when appropriate.

Energy level: If you are more low-key about activities, but your potential partner is into extreme outdoor sports, you might want to think again (remember: "opposites attract, then attack")

Ambition: Do you want to take control of everything and acquire many material possessions, but your partner is more into conservation and saving resources and energy? If so, uh oh......

Role expectations: Are you a career type, who believes and wants (if you are a woman) to have a good, challenging job, but your partner is more interested in someone with much less ambition, would prefer a woman who is more of a stay-at-home mom, maybe with a lower-level or part-time job, then watch out!

Interests: No need to share ALL your activities, and you can enjoy and learn from what the other likes, but if it gets to the point where an interest is all-consuming for one of you, or you feel you are "putting up with it" then, problems ahead!

Personal habits: hygiene, mutual acceptance regarding levels of eating, drinking, orderliness, sleeping (you're a night owl, but he isn't) may seem unimportant at first, but they can mount up!

I would add that having a certain amount of self-confidence so that neither of you gets over-anxious about relatively small matters, plus having a life of your own, and being a little laid-back about a relationship is also important!

To summarize: YOUR TYPE is someone who: Excites you; shares your core values, core traits and relationship skills; makes you laugh; appreciates your dreams; respects you; makes you feel good to be around; and helps you express more fully who you really are.

AND Someone who is NOT your type if he/she:

Is consistently frustrating you; disrespects any goals and/or dreams you cherish; does not share important values, and relationship skills; does not - even worse - pulls you down emotionally so that you feel insecure and that you have to constantly question your relationship; "gloms onto you" and leaves you almost no personal space, so that you feel obliged to limit your personal growth, activities and interests.

HOPE THIS WILL BE USEFUL!

View related questions: ambition, insecure

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2007):

Amen, you are singing to the choir!

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A male reader, ChiRaven United States +, writes (11 April 2007):

ChiRaven agony auntYou've covered the field pretty well. If everybody read and followed that before they got into a relationship, we'd have a lot fewer letters here at this web site.

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