A
male
age
41-50,
*luenest
writes:I have a gf of 4 years in a long distance committed relationship. i couldnt visit her for a year due to some personal and visa problems which she knows clearly, but we skype daily for hours.Recently i found out she had been cheating on me with her work mate for almost 2 months. Though this guy knows she is commited, he proposed her during a drinking session with friends which she rejected. But he kept taking care of her by getting her food daily.When i confronted her, she started crying and said she was very lonely and frustrated with her job because of which she strayed but she never stopped loving me.But during this 2 months she always used to nag me to visit her. She said she was just enjoying the attention and there was no love from her side towards him. She even told him that she loves me no matter what.Then finally i got the chance to visit her. She broke up with that guy and stayed with me for the entire duration of stay. She even is planning on our marriage by arranging all the necessary documents.Right now i cant get over my anger for that guy. And had also read their entire conversation which i am not able to get over. She says those sweet conversation was just to make him do things for her.We have fixed everything between us. But this guy simply wouldnt give up and still texts her to come back to her. What do i do now? Valuable suggestions would be appreciated.
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male
reader, bluenest +, writes (17 July 2016):
bluenest is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: Right now I am with her. She cut off all forms of contact with him and blocked him on social media too. I visit her work place to pick and drop her where the other guy also works. She says she doesn't care how he feels as long as i am not hurt. She also posted our pics together on FB. Recently her work mates had a team outing along with that guy to the beach and she invited me. She was with me all through out clicking pics and swimming. We did have an in depth conversation where she cried and apologized for straying and promised me not to repeat this again. She showed me her online conversation with him where she clearly mentioned to him that i will be coming soon and she cant ever replace me with anyone. She even spoke to the guys wife ( broken family) to fix their relationship and that she is engaged to me. I dont understand why she strayed if she loved me so much, which she clearly does. So much confusion.All her friends and work mates are in my support.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 I really do not understand why you are angry at him, she is the one that is in the wrong here. She is not getting what she needs from the relationship because you where not able to go and visit her, but what stopped her going to visit you? Are you sure this relationship is not all one sided?
He is not giving up because well she has strung him along, she was nice and flirty with him to use him so that he would buy her food and show her attention, what a shallow horrible women. No women should treat a man like this, she used him, so instead of being angry at him, you should be feeling sorry for him that she done this to him, she also choose to cheat on you, nobody forced her, she can use as much excuses as she wants, she choose to let him in to her bed and keep it warm. If it was me I would not be forgiven her for cheating.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 July 2016):
 You need to wake up and focus your anger in the right direction. The DUDE didn't make her DO anything SHE didn't want. SHE, your GF, made the CHOICE to cheat. ShE made the choice to USE this guy.
While she might have felt lonely etc. it's not an excuse to cheat, WHY couldn't she visit you? IF you were having Visa problems couldn't SHE just have come see you?
And have a second look at her, do you think HER treatment of HIM is anything short of cruel? She OBVIOUSLY know that he is into her so she "sweet-talks" him so he will BUY and GIVE her stuff? WTF?! what kind of mentality is that?
Even worse she is BLAMING her cheating on YOU and the DUDE. Like it's YOUR fault for not being able to visit, and HIS fault for being there ... BULL- CRAP!
You are fooling yourself if you think she is a good person and that the cheating wasn't her fault....
Maybe 4 years in a LDR being apart is NOT the kind of relationship EITHER of you need. Maybe you both need to look closer to "home" (as in your OWN geographical location) for a partner.
I think you are in denial about your GF, because you WANT her to be someone perfect.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2016): Unfortunately your long distance relationship is not meeting her emotional needs. She is feeling unfulfilled because you are not present in her life. You are absent from it for the most part. This guy is there. He is present. While you are not. So, she is substituting him for you when you are away. She cares about you but not enough to be completely loyal. LDR's are hard because the emotional intimacy is not sustained by physical closeness and proximity. Our hearts can wander in the absence of our significant other when they are gone/not around for long periods of time. And in four years, if nothing has changed to solidify and build your relationship into something more serious, then likely it is at a crossroads where she is starting to wander to get her needs met. As they are not being met by your relationship. In the beginning, it is easier as it is new and exciting. But as time wears on, a woman's greater need for intimacy comes into play and if this need is not met, she is going to start questioning the relationship. Perhaps start checking out of it. As it appears here by her dalliance with this other guy. So, I think you need to sit down and have a good, honest talk about what is going on and where it is going. Get it all out in the open. And try to find solutions for both of you. But as a woman, I can tell you that women need emotional intimacy. Far more than sex or companionship. Once the guy drops the ball in the intimacy department, ie. not being around, not being around enough, not paying attention, her feeling distant from him etc... he is opening the door for another man to do his job for him.I think the only thing to save your relationship is to move to the same city. Either you or her. And maintain a real life relationship where you can see each other everyday. I believe if you take this step - if she means that much to you - it is highly possible this guy will be put into the rearview. Hopefully anyway as it is impossible to know just how far she has gone with him and if that relationship has taken hold.
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A
male
reader, DarrellG  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 Bin her off. She's using you. I got about 1/4 of the way into your post before I came to that conclusion which might say alot. The clincher was this:
Though this guy knows she is commited, he proposed her during a drinking session with friends which she rejected.
But he kept taking care of her by getting her food daily.
I'd say shes using both of you. I know you will say 'oh she said this' and 'she said that' which I am sure it is all totally true but this is one of those cases where you have to look beyond the words to the actions and if you do that then you cant reach any good conclusions. If she wanted to stop this guy texting she could, block the number, change her number, etc, but she blatently does not want too because whether she is actually doing anything or not [and how can you be sure she isnt at such a distance]? she is still feeding off the attention and that does not suggest she will be a faithful and loyal partner in the long run.
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