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This confusing guy is sending mixed signals!

Tagged as: Crushes, Gay relationships, Long distance, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2018) 12 Answers - (Newest, 17 July 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So I met this guy off a gay dating app. We had tremendously good sex. As he left my house he told me he "really wanted" to see me again. He lives in a different city and for a hook up from an app, it was brave of him to say that. I asked him when he was next in town, he said "not for three months". The next day I messaged him telling if he wanted to stay before then at my place, he'd be very welcome and that I had a great time with him. He responded with "Thats a cute message but I actually dont have any free wekends until then". a few days later he sent me a message saying saying "kisses" from the town he lives in. I responded back and then 4 weeks later I sent him message saying hi, he didnt respond for three weeks. But then responded with a photo of himself. I responded a week later wth a picture of myself and a question again no response. I have no idea if this guy has any real interest me or is playing games. I dont know how read tis sutation or react, I feel he might genuinely like me but then his behaviour suggests that im very low down his priority list.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2018):

I beg to differ, if it's just sex then people will do it until the cows come home. I hooked up with men when I was younger and they never just did it the once!! Not that I'm bragging just my experience.

Maybe he was coy and didn't want to say because he is out there having sex with lots of people. Sorry but I think you're interpreting things as you want to see them. At the end of the day only you and only he knows if it meant more and you are only second guessing like we are. But from what I have read I think at the moment it's wishful thinking on your part...

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (16 July 2018):

N91 agony auntIt’s clear as day really.

If he was interested he would make it known. Who takes 3 weeks to reply to someone that they’re romantically interested in? Think about it.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 July 2018):

No one likes to be judged in a bad-light. He's not a bad guy. I never said he was. Everyone has redeeming qualities; but they aren't always applicable in every situation. You may have a loyal-nature, and many good attributes. They may be offered to everyone you enjoy sex with. You cannot project what you feel onto other people. Their feelings have to originate from within them.

Sharing sexual-pleasure may be the extent of his connection with you, which is what I suspect here. I do not think it extends to a fully-romantic match between you. His feelings are more superficial.

Here you are trying to find someone to agree that he should want you. Why won't he just admit it?

If that were the case, you wouldn't be here asking these questions, would you? You'd know, because he'd make it abundantly clear to you. Wishful-thinking is over-reading his actions; and has overruled your objectivity.

Put your emotions aside, and look at the facts. Reread your first post. The details in the second post don't change the reality. It just adds a few more details. Your common-sense is all you need. You don't need more than the five senses you already have.

I'm not debating with you, or trying to burst your bubble. You know more about the guy than I do. I'm going by the wisdom of experience; and your explanation of your interaction with the guy.

You're being emotional, and avoiding the logic that stands behind all this. He likes you, perhaps; but he has not given you substantial-evidence that it's any more than that. He delayed his response to give you time to slow your roll and rethink what's going on. He will not jump when you say jump; due to the fact he's not your boyfriend. He doesn't owe you his loyalty and devotion; because you've had sex a few times.

He has called or messaged you unexpectedly; as an acknowledgement to a "conditional-association," or limited bond. In gay-solidarity. It is mutually-beneficial in order to maintain some type of connection; for whatever that means. Mainly to keep his foot in the door. In his mind, you're probably a great-guy, and a good lay!

You want the guy, and desire to form something meaningful with him; so you are overlooking (or consciously-resisting) the fact he doesn't want anything serious between you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntAlso...

OP, if you guy didn't use condom - go get a STD panel. Not because you two are gay but because he seems to be having a lot of partners. And there is a rise in STD's in the UK.

Don't be a statistic.

Meeting up before a hook up... well, some do, for safety reasons. You don't want to blindly hook up with someone and not knowing who is going to be knocking on your door or head.

Tindr/Grindr are not really a "dating app" it's primarily a "hook up app". doesn't mean you can't ever meet someone on an app like that but the likelihood of meeting someone who is also looking for something more... is low.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi guys, maybe some details I left out. But I definitely agree with a lot (but not all of the advice given). We met on Tinder, we had matched once before and 6 months later he tried again. The day before we hooked up I went and met him with his friends we hung out for a couple of hours. The next day he came over to mine. I dont think it was a an average hook up for him as we both came three times in 1.5 hours. He has also messaged me out of the blue a couple of times. But yes I agree he had more importance to me than I had clearly to him. Waiting 2-3 weeks to response isn't an excellent game player but someone who just doesn't care that much. Time to become better at having an 8th sense with people. The thing that threw me off was his own enthusiasm to meet again (how he said it when he left), and when we were joking about his time in Berlin and if he had sex with many guys, he was being coy, and acting like it was a date. I just figured if you're fucking everyone that moves and ur hooking up with someone, why would you pretend otherwise if its just a hook up, unless you want to be seen in a kinda more boyfriend y way. I think if he messages me again, I'm gonna not respond anymore.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2018):

The sex could not have been that great if he ignored you for 3 weeks. You are not special to him. He can probably get the same level of sex in his hometown. He has no feelings for you. You're just a little entertainment on the road. If he comes your way again. I think you have placed way too much importance on him and the meaningless, casual sex you had.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 July 2018):

CindyCares agony auntMixed signals ? What mixed signals ? He could not have been clearer if he had attended a class of speech and elocution.

You met on a hook up app; you had your random hook up, luckily it was good, you both enjoyed it- why should he not want to have possibly one more hook up , as long as it does not take much time, effort and planning ?

He was " brave " ? what bravery has got to do with anything ? This is casual sex ; in this context," I really want to see you " may also be not a lie, neither though you should take it as a love declaration. He just meant, and showed, and signaled, that he would possibly not mind hooking up again in future, IF he has time on his hands, no better plans and the energy to travel your way.

You are only getting confused because you want to read through rose - tinted , and heart-shaped , glasses what amounts to a banal, polite " we should do this again one of these times… " , as you can hear so often in so many social ( and not just erotic ) occasions.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 July 2018):

Get this into your head. You met online and immediately had a hookup. Therefore, you're good for another hookup. He's not looking for a boyfriend. It's usually guys 30 and over who don't seem to get it. If the site was specifically a gay hookup site; there you have it.

I'm gay. You said it was a gay dating site. Either you left-out a few details, or it was a gay hookup-site. Practically all gay dating-sites are hookup-sites nowadays. That's because gay men turn them into hookup-sites no matter what.

He's not sending mixed-signals, he's being straight (pardon the pun) with you. You're good the next time he comes your way. Otherwise, he's back online and available for other opportunities.

You're old enough to know better. Get your heart out of your pants, and block his number. You're going to get played; and then you're going to blame him for it. He didn't respond for three weeks; because he was letting you know, you're f*ck-buddies. You're not dating!

If you really want guys to like you and take you seriously; don't meet them on hookup sites; or have sex on the very first date.

I would find it extremely scary that some guy drove-in out of town, for a one-night-stand.

You're coming-off as very desperate. I guess you've got to hear it from him straight-up. You don't seem to take a hint.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntI wouldn't say the signals are that mixed really, just look at the actions and discount the words- which are cheap! Example, If a guy SAYS he wants to go on a date, arranges a time place, but then doesn't TURN UP, and gives a weak excuse his actions show his feelings CLEARLY- he couldn't make the effort.

He likely expects you to understand the (very mild ambiguity) of "I want to SEE you again" but not contacting you for weeks on end mean that he doesn't want to date you. Don't take it personally, like Honeypie said he's likely looking for any action that comes along and isn't looking for anything serious- OR he would be wooing you.

If you think about it, when you've really liked someone, you THINK about them frequently.. you would never take 3 weeks to get back to them! There's your answer.

There's plenty of others out there more suited to you anyway. Take care, get out there and be patient!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (13 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI don't think he is playing games with you at all. I think he is just being friendly and treating you as a hook up. You both did meet on a hook up site so I wouldn't expect much more than this.

If he was interested he would make more off an effort. I am sure he is interested in another hook up down the line, but it doesn't sound like he is looking for much more.

Are you looking for a relationship? If you are then I would suggest not meeting men for hook ups and going out and meeting people. Try to get to know a guy first before sleeping with him and hopefully you will find what you are looking for.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntNo, he doesn't have a real interest in you. Having occasionally casual sex perhaps but not really anything where he has to INVEST anything.

Sending you a couple of minimal effort texts doesn't mean he is interested. Just that he wants you to be available for sex IF he doesn't hook up with someone else when he next comes to visit.

He really wanted to "see" you again. No he really wanted to hook up with you again.

Sorry, OP someone who takes 3 WEEKS to respond is NOT into you as a person. He is probably out hooking up with whomever catches his fancy or whomever is available that day.

What are you looking for? A BF or just a series of random sex partners?

If you are looking for an ACTUAL partner, find someone who lives close enough that a relationship is possible. And TRY not to just chat over text then hook up. GET to actually KNOW the guy first.

If you are just looking to meet men to hook up with, then TRY not to get emotionally attached to someone you have sex with.

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A female reader, DancerGirl1984 United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2018):

He has no interst in you other than being a hook up when he passes through.

Move on and stop wasting your time.

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