A
female
age
36-40,
*ugalite
writes:We've been together for nine years and I do care about her. We have had great times in the past, get along OK most of the time and she has helped me out tremendously when I need it, but it's not working. Part of that is me. I went to the wrong college and now I'm so buried in debt, I'll never see daylight. I also have a few mental problems, anxiety and ADHD, that causes me to freak out when stressed sometimes, (though i've gotten much better with therapy) and get very absent-minded and cluttered. I'm also not in the best shape anymore, though I'm trying to get back to my old dress size.She doesn't touch me anymore. If we hug at all, it's because I initiate it. She makes demands on what I need to do, like update my passport, that while they are important things to do, they aren't my top priorities right now. I'm more concerned with job search. She hates my family and granted they can be prickly at times, but if I go to visit anyone other than my just my parents, or go to a holiday thing, it's by myself. I always feel like I'm the lesser partner of the relationship.We want different things. If I could get stable, I'd want to have a canopy; she has said she definitely does not. I like to go out and try new things, she wants to stay home.It's difficult right now. I really do like and care about her, but I want different things. I don't have the money to move out. I'm trying to find a better job and get more financially stable. I also worry because I'm not much of a catch. I'm an out of shape thirty-something, mentally ill trans-woman, with money trouble. Is it me; am I just too messed up to appreciate things? Should I try to salvage things, or should I try to figure out how to move on? If so, how?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 August 2016):
 After reading your post, not once did you say you actually loved your girlfriend. Yes you may care about her, but is that really enough after nine years? If you honestly don't feel like the relationship is working, then you need to talk to her, and tell her how you feel. You need to be honest. Maybe after nine years you have both just fell in to habit instead of truly loving each other.
Okay so you made some wrong choices in life and now you are in debt. Are you getting help with that from a bank manager on how to handle your debt? If so then I guess you just need to keep making payments and learn to live with it. It may not be ideal, however you cannot change it now. As for your mental health, well a lot of people suffer from these problems some times in there life. You are getting the help you need and that is great to hear. If you feel therapy alone is not working, maybe go back to your doctor to discuss how you feel. If you feel that you are not in the best off shapes well that will add to you feeling more down about yourself and having less confidence. Yes losing weight can be difficult but so rewarding. Eat more fruit and Veg and lean meats and walk more. Walking is very good for the mental health.
It sounds to me like you are living more like flatmates than lovers, which is sad. Intimacy is very important in a relationship. I am glad you are looking for work, keep searching, walk to places and hand in CV's. Do something every single day it will make you feel much better. Even if it is a job cleaning toilets, accept it, you need to work to have purpose in your life and help with your debt. If she is making demands to you, then you need to talk to her and tell her not to treat you like this. It sounds like you both don't communicate very well and talk about how you feel. Again talk to her about why she does not make an effort on holidays or with your family. Tell her how it makes you feel.
You say it yourself you both want different things, therefore maybe you both just need to accept that this relationship is not what neither of you want. The way you talk about her it is almost like she is a friend not your partner. You say you are not much off a catch, but you can change that, gain more confidence by loosing weight. Keep looking for better jobs. Don't let your mental health or your money problems defy you. You need to learn to love yourself more. I would recommend staying single for a while, becoming more healthier and then look for love. Nobody will love you until you learn to love yourself. You need to look after your own health, mentally and physically and then look for love. I think you need to move on and be on your own for a while, work on yourself. It will pay off in the end.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 August 2016):
 Ask your girlfriend if she stopped being affectionate because she's worried about your financial situation. If you want to break up because you don't feel desired from her, you are getting ahead of yourself because until you find a more stable job, the same problem persists with your new partner.
You interpret her behavior such as not liking your parents, not going out with you, as not loving you anymore. Maybe she's just a homely person. Money is important and what you do outside of the home is a show of how well a couple is doing. Ask her, if she's not showing you love inside the home, and outside, then can she at least show in some way, her way, that she still loves you, and there's something worth hanging on to? Or is she also worried that once you upgrade your life, you would leave her and find a better girl?
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