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Things were good until his ex' got involved

Tagged as: Age differences, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 July 2017) 10 Answers - (Newest, 19 July 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I met a guy online in January who is a really great guy. He's a bit older than me but that doesn't bother me. He's 37,I'm 27. We spoke for about 3 weeks before we met for real. We got on instantly and after a few weeks, we began spending more and more time together.

After about 8 or so weeks after we met for real, he told me it would be unfair to carry on at the moment because his ex really needs him at the moment and he doesn't want me to get hurt. After a couple of weeks he rang me one day and we spoke and every seemed OK, we progressed as friends. In May he asked if we could meet up one weekend, and I went over to his house. He told me that his ex was no longer in the picture and he was sick of having to be there for her when she wanted attention. Obviously I've only got his side of this so I can't stay why she needed him but his story has always been the same, so I believe him.

Anyway, we slept together that weekend and until the end of June, we were a couple again. Then he got a phone call saying his ex was in a bad way and she needed him. So he went and cancelled our plans for that weekend. He rang me and again said it wasn't fair to involve me in it all. I was really upset and said some horrible stuff, which I regret now. And now he has started ringing me, asking to talk. He says he really like me but because he feels that because he ended the relationship with his ex, and that's why she is so unpredictable in her behaviour he has to help her.

He also told me that she has asked him not to talk to me but he felt like he didn't need to not talk to me. I feel confused because I really like him and when we are together, it's great but then his ex and all that turns up and it's ruined. Should I be willing to wait for his ex to get her head together or just tell him to stop calling me if he isn't interested in a proper relationship? We live about 50 miles apart.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (19 July 2017):

Dionee' agony auntOP,as my own personal advice that I live by "Do not get involved with any guy who has baby mama drama or an ex that won't leave him alone or vice versa". That was your first mistake,letting him get away with pushing you to the sidelines the first time around.

If you let someone get away with such then they will treat you as if its always ok to let you just stand by the way side waiting for them to make up their mind and waiting for them to instruct you on when is a perfect time to reenter their life. Do not allow yourself to be second best.

With that being said,his ex still seems to be held pretty high in his books and life overall.

I personally would leave this guy be. He seems to be occupied enough these days.

Good luck OP.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (17 July 2017):

chigirl agony auntHe cant be involved with his ex if he wants a new relationship. Its that simple. Sounds like he still is in a relationship with her, in some form or other. Tell him to stop calling you. You want a relationship with a man who is actually single.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

This has nothing to do with his ex. The guy is using you. Stop seeing him because you're going to get nothing but lies from this guy.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (16 July 2017):

N91 agony auntWhat a waste of time.

Wouldn't give him another second of my time, on what planet does he think it's acceptable to think it's fine to pick you up and then drop you whenever he feels like it?

So what if his ex needs help? Why is it his problem? She is an EX, surely somebody else can get her the help she needs? Why does he need to do it?

Block him and move on, complete messer.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly OP?

I think he is using the "my ex-gf needs me" to get out of making a commitment to you (or anyone else)

He is 37. Seriously OP. Too old to run around and hide in his exes skirts every time she yells jump or he feels like you might want more.

BLOCK his silly ass and move on. You are wasting your time on an IMMATURE 37-year-old. Someone at HIS age should know better. Should have more sense and quite frankly... so should you.

Fool me once, shame on you... Fool me twice shame on me!

Stop letting him SUCKER you back into something with him. He is USING you and USING the ex (or her drama). There is nothing here for you. Nothing serious that is.

He sounds like a wimp and a time waster.

Move on, there is nothing for you with this one.

Come on OP, you know you deserve more and better than that old inconsistent fart.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (16 July 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntTen stars to Aunty BimBim... Couldn't have said it better!!

Yes, and in short, run for the hills. Plus, you don't even know who or with how many of them he's involved. Are you really naive enough to think that you're the only online girl he's duping?

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (16 July 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWhat the dickens Girl! The man is a total droob and you should be running away as fast as you can!

His ex has him by the short and curlies, she is obviously more important to him than you ever will be, and by the sounds of it there is not a lot of "ex" about it, they are still very much involved.

So pick up your petticoats and run .... or do the more modern thing and block his number on your phone, block them both on facebook and other social media sites, if he approaches you in person vomit on his feet and find a man whose balls are firmly where they should be and not in some other woman's handbag.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

If he hasn't gotten his ex out of the way; as far as you're concerned, they're still together. Nobody drops what their doing or cancel dates to go running to an ex. It's unnecessary drama; and you shouldn't place yourself in the middle of it.

He needs to grow a pair and cut her off. If he's not man enough to deal with it, stop wasting your time. If she has that much influence over him; they've still got things to resolve. This means their relationship is not officially over. You don't know the details; and for all you know, they may still be a couple. He might even be married.

No, don't wait for some guy still dealing with his ex-girlfriend. She will always be a wedge in-between you; and he doesn't know how to deal with a past-relationship he claims to be over. Is it? Really?

Come on, he cancelled a date?!! Seriously?!!

Learn when to back-away from a messy situation. You don't jump feet-first into a pile of manure "because you like him." You can't grow a new relationship in the middle of someone dealing with his ex after a fresh breakup; or a guy battling with his ex-wife/baby mama in the middle of a divorce.

He has proven to you he will drop everything and jump at her beck and call. That's disrespectful to you, and shows you're only spoiling for a lot of drama and tension in your life. You're just a place-holder and a rebound for the moment. The girl who's always waiting on the sidelines.

You've had sex too soon; now you're attached. That will make it hard to really listen to the advice you're given.

Well at this point, emotionally, you'll have to go through the grinder; then decide what to do based on your own experience. Then on top of it, you're 50 miles apart???

Girlfriend, what's up with all this?

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (16 July 2017):

Ciar agony auntTell him to stop calling. Better yet, block his number and any other means he has of contacting you.

If his ex is so unpredictable and he knows he'll go running every time she calls then he has no business trying to start something with someone else.

He's flaky and wishy washy. And you're too eager to be at his beck and call.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017):

Never mind him.

What do you want?

Do you want a stable relationship (friendly or more) or do you want to depend on his (in)ability to put his ex in her place?

Only you know the answer to this question.

On the other hand, don't forget that we accept to stay in certain toxic relationships because it suits us, mostly for the wrong reasons. His ex cannot force him to do anything.

Anyway, if it were me I'd tell him nicely how I felt about him and that "I"m just not built that way" to be a stand-in.

And just a remark. He's treating her as if they were still together and as if you were this "other woman".

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