A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone! I need a hand with something concerning my girlfriend's autistic little brother.So this kid is great, I love him to death I have been with my girlfriend for almost 3 months and love her very much, I'd do anything for her. Her younger brother has autism. I have never been exposed to autism in an extended close setting such as now, and it's causing her family a lot of distress in the way I treat him. They are saying that I'm not nice to him and I'm too harsh, and that I need to be warmer. She says that whenever her and I are playing, I get all mean and stop playing when he comes over to us. I don't notice that I do this, and I've already agreed to try my best to correct this behavior. My problem is that because I've never dealt with autism before, and I'm not very good with kids to begin with, I don't know how to improve my acts when I don't know that I do them at all.She said if I can't act better, she can't stay with me. And her whole family agrees that I'm being too rude to him.I personally believe that a lot of this happens to be because this little kid lives in a family full of women and one older brother who hasn't quite hit puberty, thus his voice hasn't lowered. They say my tones are too harsh but I swear up and down that I'm not saying anything different, I just have a naturally low and somewhat menacing voice.So all in all, how do I change my behavior? What can I do to help not sound so mean?And what can I do to prevent future issues such as this?I don't notice that I have rude tones or actions and I'll be watching what I say and do more closely, but it's hard when I don't know what is considered correct and incorrect to him since he can't voice his feelings.I'm not good with kids, and I have no knowledge about autism, and these two things are now in one rogue element in my environment and I have no idea how to deal.Thanks for your help! I appreciate anything that anyone can offer. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): Actually speaking direct to somebody with autism is the right thing, processing humour is not that easy with autism.Be clear, direct and your communication will be fine, don't confuse him with tones and expressions that don't match what you really mean. I have worked with autistic/Asperger's adults and gentle sympathy does not achieve good communication, just honesty. He may like you more than they realise. If he disturbs you sometimes, then tell him, and tell him to leave you alone. Give him a definite time span for example you could say, 'leave us alone for one hour and come back'.Try to understand Autism and all that it entails, ask the family questions, they will be pleased that you are showing an interest in him. Learn what upsets him( this is important, does he have sensory issues? does he adapt well to change, is he interested in the arts? does he excel in any particular area, that you could help him with.Autism is not always a disability,he is different and he processes information differently. Learn more about how special he is.Good Luck.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 I have worked a lot with children who have Autism. His family probably know him best, so talk to your girlfriends parents and be honest. Tell them you are not sure how to act around children as you have never really needed to and ask them to guide you, at least then they can see you are making an effort.
The thing is you should just be natural when he is around. Go down to his eye level to talk to him. Talk smoothly and quietly. No sudden movements. Just do it bit by bit and you should see a change.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 November 2016):
Sometimes it has nothing to do with you.
Some people forget how to treat people like people, even with a disability, and stop treating them like a handicap.
We look at someone in a wheelchair and automatically feel sad for them. "Oh that poor person." All that person really wants is for everyone to not see the wheelchair or the disability, and treat them as a person.
This could be the way your girlfriend family sees the brother. They see the Autism and have sympathy for him, rather than treating him just like everyone else. Sure... he may not be able to do things like everyone else, so what?
Just keep being you. As long as her brother is not offended or upset by you, then lead with love, and end with love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): I had a father with autism and I work with adults with learning disabilities (including autism) although I have no experience with kids.I think when anyone meets someone new they act differently as we all have to tune into other people so unless you said something outright rude to your gf's brother (which you'd know) they can't expect you to know how to act or what to say that he understands, particularly if he doesn't speak. If he's THAT sensitive then they need to tell you clearly what you can and cannot do/say but I have to agree with Honeypie that your voice is your voice. Tiptoeing round him too much will not be good for him in the longer term. I've met adults with severe autism whose behaviour is much worse due to their lack of socialisation as children. It's good for him to meet new people once in a while.Understandably people with a family member with a learning disability can be somewhat insular. I've spent my whole life around people with autism and they are as different as the mainstream population, so if I was your gf I'd be pleased that you were making so much effort to integrate yourself.It's likely your gf's brother reacts badly to you simply because he doesn't know you. It's common. If your gf's family use some common sense and patience over time he will get used to you and you'll learn to understand him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, I have no intention of cutting this relationship off. I've made plenty of bad decisions and dating this girl isn't one of them. But thank you for your insight. I just need a way to be able to learn better about how to go about socialising with her brother.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 November 2016):
 I think this might not work out for you at all. You can't really change your voice and they aren't exactly telling you HOW to go about being nicer or gentler.
I seriously doubt you have a menacing voice. Seriously.
Seems to me that this family has a routine and you have interrupted it. And that? I don't see how you can fix.
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