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There is somethig fake about my sister's new boyfriend

Tagged as: Age differences, Dating, Family, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 August 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 21 August 2016)
A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I find my sister's new bf weird, but I keep my mouth shut and mind my own business. Is it the right thing to do?

She's almost 40 and is absolutely terrified of loneliness. A part from one year-long relationship she's had a few encounters and mostly had romantic stories play out in her head while looking for Mr Perfect (fatherly figure, well off with a career).

This one fits this description. He's 10 years older than her, has money and is well known in his field of work. FYI he has two failed marriages behind him and doesn't want any kids (a note: having kids has been her life long desire).

Here's what worries me. They've known each other for only 4 weeks. They've been seeing each other for three. It's been pretty intense and he even tells her he loves her and wants to take her to his country! (I am maybe too rational but he hardly knows her and already professes love?). He remembers every single little detail about her, to a point where it sounds creepy and is somehow too interested in meeting her family. He not only expressed his interest to be invited to a family gathering but tried to pressure her into bringing him (btw we had nothing against it, he was welcome, it was she who told me that she found it to be too soon).

On the other hand, I heard her repeating that she would be ready to leave the country for him, her job and even not have kids... I have nothing against all these decisions (I myself left for Australia two decades ago, my hubby and I agree on not having kids...) but the way she sounded and how quickly she changed her mind really raised the red flag.

I have a feeling that in some way he's been putting on a show for her, telling her what she wants to hear. It's not because he wants to get into her bed (he's already there), it's more as if by doing all this he feels better about himself.

And she's not only buying all of it but is becoming obsessed by him. I feel as if I should say something not to blame him or anything but to motivate her to take a look at herself.

When he doesn't stay at her place she gets upset. After they spent 2 days together all the time, he told her he wouldn't come over and she was frustrated. She kept telling me that she doesn't understand why. Everything was going great. They clicked on all levels, including sex. They did it 4x in 10 hours and now he won't come over. This made me wonder. He's 50 and is so out of shape. He eats garbage (bad food in big portions) and drinks a fair amount of alcohol. Him setting the 4 in 10h score is nothing short of a miracle. Viagra came to mind. Which is ok, it's just that it fits this feeling I've had of things being somehow fake and rushed.

I decided not to say anything. For now she's not actually blowing up her life. But If she were in my place I would want have wanted her to say something to me. He'll be leaving tomorrow and she's already anxious.

View related questions: money, viagra

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2016):

Thank you all for your advice!

I'll give her time and see hat happens.

The bf will leave soon and right now my sis is spending all of her time with him. She even canceled on us (family) when he too was supposed to come. Which is a pity. Youcannot be serious was right on spot that it would be good to get to know him. Th reason for cancellation was that the bf had some urgent business. However she didn't come alone.

What an anonymous said about abusive partners really hit close to home. The only longer relationship she had was with a verbally and emotionally abusive man. So I guess it could happen again. He too tried to isolate her. Btw, thank you for the book recommendation, I'll look it up.

WiseOwlE, I'll wait for her to actually ask or do something, but I will, as you advise, suggest to take some time to think. She needs to distance herself from her.

When he leaves we'll see how intensive their relationship will become.

We only know what he TOLD her since we don't know anybody who knows him. Not to mention that all that I've heard came through a filter - my sister's interpretation.

Thank you again!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2016):

You're forgetting your sister is a grown woman. You can offer your opinion and advice, but the she seems smitten already.

The romance is new, and the novelty will wear off. All the excitement of having a gentleman-caller will run its course. It has only been 4 weeks, and your concerns may be an overreaction at this point. She's only talking. If he is shady as you believe, she'll catch on. If he has three failed marriages, she's already aware of that. You know it, so she is just as informed as you are.

If your sister is foolish enough to just fall for all this; I must ask. What do you think you can do about it? She's going to make her own choices. For now, she's only going to see in him what she wants to see. The danger in you becoming too involved is, she is likely to try and prove you wrong about him. So tread lightly on the matter. You may suggest to her: "Sis, you should take your time and make sound decisions. You've been alone for awhile, and you may be getting too eager. I say this with love and I hope you are keeping a clear head about things." Then, leave her alone, and let her fall on her face. You can't stop a grown woman from making her own choices when it comes to matters of the heart. She's only a little anxious because she has been lonely, and thinks he's what she's been looking for.

As time goes by, little by little she will wake-up from the dream-state. In only four-weeks, that's all it is. It isn't likely it will last long enough for her to go anywhere with this guy. It will burn-out as fast as it started. Especially if they've already had sex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2016):

Hi

A well known tactic of abusive men is to rush the 'relationship' along at a very fast pace while sweeping the woman off her feet so she has no time to question. Another tactic is to isolate their girlfriend/wife from their friends and family (as in taking her to his country) so when they start the abuse, the woman has no support system.

I don't know if this man is abusive or not, but those two things in your post stood out to me.

Your sister sounds as if she is ripe for the picking and is ready to believe this is love as she so badly wants it to be. I'm not sure about your sister's mental stability either as she is getting very worked up over little things such as him not coming over, rather quickly. It sounds as if nothing else in her life has any meaning other than this man, which makes me a bit worried for her. He may not be coming over so she feels as if she's losing him and therefore may be more likely to leave with him to go to his country. I may be wide of the mark, but remembering every little detail is also a tactic to make someone feel loved. Your gut instincts are not to be dismissed either.

As I say I don't know what this man is like or if he is abusive, but to better arm yourself with information so you can see whether he is or not by future behaviour he might display, I would recommend that you read, 'Why Charming Men Can Make Dangerous Lovers'. Don't remember the author but the title alone will find it.

If you suspect him of being abusive, see if you can get your sister to read this book also.

It may open her eyes.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 August 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntLike you, I would have all sorts of alarm bells ringing if someone I knew was dating this guy. However, she is an adult and needs to make her own decisions (and mistakes, if that is what this turns out to be.

I would encourage her to bring him round to family functions and joint outings as much as possible. That way you can get to know him and engage him in conversation to find out more about him. The more contact you have with him, the more you will (hopefully) get to know about him. Don't push him away as your sister will just cling to him even more.

As for your sister, she sounds like she needs her self esteem and confidence building up, otherwise she will fall for anyone who tells her what she wants to hear.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2016):

Thank you some much Honeypie for your advice. I'll wait, even though I am pretty much sure that she won't ask for my opinion. I did ask her however what she would do in a foreign country and she said that she was finally putting her private life above her career and that she would follow him wherever he went. In her head it's a done deal - he would support her financially because he has money. Maybe he said something of the sort.

Btw, she was never focused on her career but obsessed over her unsuccessful private life (diagnosed with a mild personality disorder). That's why all of this is a bit scary.

I'll just sit tight and wait for her to ask.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 August 2016):

Honeypie agony auntIf she ASKS for advice of what you think/feel tell her but do it gently.

You could bring up that moving for love is a great idea when two people KNOW each other and have for a good while I'd say minimum 1 year - if she talks about moving.

You can also take the "let's be practical" stance and ask her what she would do in "his" country, how well she knows the area he is from, customs, culture etc.

MAKE her think without being hyper-critical.

Sounds like she was her "Happily Ever After" and rather ignore reality so she can keep that dream in her head. Which is why I say... give her FOOD for thought rather than point out his "flaws/red flags".

A fantasy is great and it's EASY to get caught up in one, but that doesn't mean cast caution to the wind.

It's only been 4 weeks, it might burn out real quick. That often happens when people take and make "instant" relationships. So again, give her food for thought, let her be the one to realize she needs to slow down instead of her making a major mistake because she wants to "prove" you wrong..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2016):

To be honest I can't see where is the problem. He has already been to her bed and he is leaving tomorow. So everything is done and finished.

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